I spent a good part of my childhood habitually masturbating to Kelly Ripa. In the mid-eighties there was small dance show on The USA network called “Dance Party USA”. It was a white person’s “Soul Train” which is a poor man’s “American Bandstand” which is a poor man’s “Watching Hot People Dance at an Actual Party”. Like most of these shows Dance Party USA was shot in Philadelphia. Other things that were shot in Philadelphia include Rapper Beanie Sigel, and the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Every day it was the same thing. I would wake up, steal a Milwaukee’s Best from my friend’s older brother’s tiny refrigerator, hide it in the snow behind East Junior, go to school, learn about things (Math, English, History, etc.), eat lunch (hamburgers, salad, pizza on Fridays), probably go to gym class if it was Tuesday or Thursday, leave school, go behind East Junior, drink the Milwaukee’s Best, go home, turn on Dance Party USA and humiliate my newly pubicized genitals.

If you remember Dance Party USA you know that most of the girls weren’t particularly attractive. They had huge hair and dressed like girls did in the 80’s, which was not-sexy-at-all. No one in the 80’s dressed sexily. Except for Madonna. And Tawny Kitaen. And also Kelly LeBrock. And don’t forget Darryl Hannah (she made quite a “Splash!” Ha-ha!!). And Kelly McGillis in Top Gun. And The Pointer Sisters. And Mia Sara. And Brooke Sheilds. And Pheobe Cates (who was nice enough to show us her boobies). But not Janet Jackson. She dressed sexily in the nineties.

Guess who else knew what it took to dress sexily in the 80’s? That is the answer of Kelly Ripa! Learn it!

I’m a little obsessed with Kelly Ripa. And not only because I used to masturbate into a sock while she slow danced in red pumps. It was also because she wore tube tops. And she wore black nylons, which are my favorite colored nylon. I hate nude-colored nylons. I mean, dress it up, right? Have some fun with the way light hits your leg! Sheesh!

Kelly Ripa had the smile of an angel. And not just any Angel. The kind of Angel that kisses babies on the tummy before they are born. The kind of Angel that blesses puppies with their fuzzy faces. The kind of Angel that makes candy toys out of heaven glitter. If you don’t know the kind of Angel I’m talking about it’s probably because you’re Jewish.

Kelly Ripa left Dance Party USA to become a very skinny actress. She “wowed” critics as Hayley Vaughan Santos on “All My Children. She “left ‘em laughing” as the voice of Batwoman in “Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman.”. She “knocked ‘em Dead” as either Hope or Faith on “Hope and Faith”. And, of course, she “wakes ‘em up” every morning as “Not-Kathy Lee Gifford” on “The Regis and Kelly Show”. What a great career! What a fantastic IMDB page!

I hope that, when Kelly Ripa dies, it won’t be me that killed her. I’m looking forward to going on that show someday and having her know nothing about my small obsession. My wife says that it won’t matter, she’ll probably be flattered because she’s a total whack-job. I don’t know. I just hope to God that she has a good sense of humor. And that she does a movie with nudity.

p.s. my wife would like to clarify that by “whack-job” she meant “fun and bubbly”, not “crazy”. Jeez, get a room you two!

Rob Corddry is an actor. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.