True Stories by Rob Corddry: Halloween is the Karaoke of Holidays

Halloween is the karaoke of holidays. It’s for people who normally don’t get to use the “costume” side of their brains. These people usually like game nights as well. Conversely, Halloween is for people who wear costumes a little too often. These people like theme parties and usually have sex with more than one person at a time. I like these people way better than the first group, but I would never get financial advice from them.

Halloween is also for children who like candy. That includes all children except the ones with The Diabetes. What a funny disease, huh? You can’t eat sugar? The only thing that’s not funny about diabetes is that the inflicted have a shorter life expectancy. And they can’t drink as much alcohol. What’s sadder than a kid that can’t drink alcohol? How do they take Communion?

Halloween is also for Wiccans. Wicca is a Neopagan religion made popular by Stevie Nicks. Wiccans dress up in robes and worship things like The Air and Mother Earth and Fat Ladies. Wiccans also like to have sex with more than one person at a time. They frequent Renaissance Fairs and grow anachronistic beards. They read J.R.R Tolkien’s other books and drive Subaru’s. Most Wiccans were molested as children. That is a Fact!

Halloween is also for girls who like to dress up as sluts. Sorry, WOMEN who like to dress up as sluts. I was driving down Highland in my Acura (that’s an entry-level luxury sedan!) when I saw two chicks (sorry, WOMEN) walking down the street arm in arm. One was dressed in orange and black tights. She also wore a tight corset and fuck-me eye makeup. My wife pointed out that she was wearing flats, which really ruined the effect. I mean, if you’re going to slut-it-up in public you can’t phone-in the shoes! If you don’t break an ankle on Halloween night you ain’t doing it right! Wow, I should write that down. The other woman was dressed either as a slutty Minnie Mouse, or Jennifer Tilly.

Halloween is also for alcoholic pedophiles. It’s the only day of the year they can get drunk and give little children candy. In fact, it’s encouraged! They ask funny questions like, “What are you dressed as?”, and “Which one is your Mommy”, and “Want to come in and play with the buttons on my remote control?”. What a crazy holiday!

Juvenile delinquents like Halloween. Democrats tend to enjoy Halloween more than Republicans. Handicapped people like Halloween more than normal people but only because they are just happy to be alive or something. Halloween is also for people who enjoy Thanksgiving because, like, “Only about three more weeks!”.

Most of all, Halloween is a holiday for people who like to get scared. These people enjoy horror movies and get married on roller coasters. They drink Mountain Dew and watch documentaries about sharks. They also collect action figures, putting them in the same genus as Wiccans and child molesters. Child Molesters wear costumes as part of their job. See? We’re not so different after all! It takes a village! All I’m saying is, I would love to have sex with more than one person at a time.

The End??

Rob Corddry is an actor. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.