If you’re going to Africa on a humanitarian mission to fight AIDS, don’t take AirTran*. We all want AIDS to be history but eighteen hours of airplane wine and salty nuts will wear you down. I hate AIDS. I wish AIDS had a mouth so that I could punch it. But I’d also like to watch a movie and to feel like I’m a valued member of a “one world alliance” or something. I’d fly anywhere to rid the world of AIDS but next time I’m taking one of those Asian airlines.

Anyway, I’m really hung-over. And contemplating world health crises really makes you feel wonky. I’m watching a flight attendant baby-sit an infant for a beleaguered father and I’m reminded of my own childhood spent in the arms of what we then called stewardesses. I can trace my love of pantyhose back to those five-hour flights (depending on the jet stream) spent in the buxom confines of those dried out hags. There were bars in planes back then and gentlemen wore ascots. Ladies who were tired of giving mile-high handjobs were taken down the spiral staircase to steerage and shot in front of the weary lot. But that’s the life of the son of an amateur magician bent on accruing a Guinness-worthy amount of frequent flier miles. Even today, airplane pillows make me wet my slacks.

But we are talking about AirTran and it’s deficiencies as a world-class international airline. Or maybe we were talking about AIDS. I don’t know, I guess I’m pretty drunk. The truth is, if every AirTran employee donated a nickel to AIDS relief in Africa we would be $47 closer to a vaccine. Think about that AirTran. You should look into your hiring policies.

Tell me if this ever happens to you: while on an intercontinental flight to Africa on a low-cost airline, do you find yourself making excuses to smack a flight attendant on the face? This may seem apropos of nothing but we as a people have no idea how easy it is to get an FAA warning. And when you go to the bathroom, do you find yourself cleaning up after the guy that went in before you to deflect blame for the sodden toilet seat? I have a lot of other questions but right now my focus is on disease.

AIDS is a disease. Africa is a continent. How long is it going to take before we, as a genus, wake up to the fact that AIDS is still killing people? Is it because those people are mostly black? Seriously, is it? For real, I have no idea. Black people have it bad, huh? Especially in detective novels. And remember all that Hurricane Katrina shit? Wow. Let’s all be thankful that storm didn’t hit Africa.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah…

Who invented Africa? This is a great question if you care about stuff. And who invented AIDS? Apparently a lot of people are fighting over that (you know how inventors can be). But the real question is how do we stop people in Africa from wanting to rape other people all the time? That’s a tough one. How do you stop people from wanting to rape everything? We ALL know how awesome rape can be.

Sorry, but I think it’s time for people to shut the fuck up and get me what I want when I ask for it on a goddamn intercontinental flight. I also think its time for people to wake up to the fact that AIDS is something to write about even when you’re really drunk. Guess what? Disease isn’t going to go away. And neither am I. I will hit this fucking call button until my finger is no longer viable you paper-thin husk! God, I have to pee!

In conclusion, let me ask a series of rhetorical questions. Do I want to shove my fist up AIDS’S ass, coloring my fore-arm with its bloody left-overs? Yes. Do I want AirTran to revise its policy against serving a business-class passenger more than the equivalent of two bottles of wine? Yes. But do I think the AIDS crises is over, specifically in Africa? No way. No way Jose. Seriously, Jose, you can forget about that!

Guess what AIDS? You can rape as many babies as you want but I’m not going away. You can hose down the entire black race but we (them) are not giving up. I’m going to keep on fighting and keep on flying because, at the end of the day, a warning is still just a warning. I don’t care what kind of Aviation Administration gave it to you.


*On Monday, September 4th 2006, Rob Corddry was given an official FAA warning by a cunt named Cindy. The name of the airline was changed to “AirTran” to protect her identity. The actual airline was American.

Rob Corddry is an actor. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.