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  • FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 15 2006 10:00 AM

Chris Gore’s Footage Fetishes: Get Sars Wars not Star Wars

Submitted by Chris_Gore

Edited by Chris_Gore

Tags: star wars dvd sars

This week George Lucas, amidst whining from hardcore fans (okay, like me), gave in and released the theatrical versions of original Star Wars trilogy on DVD. Now you can finally see Han Solo shoot first brutally murdering an innocent Greedo on DVD. Well, legally, that is.



Like a lot of long-suffering fans, I happen to already own a set of bootleg DVDs mastered from the original Criterion Collection Star Wars Laser Discs. And oddly enough, that is exactly what folks are buying now – the versions of Star Wars, Empire and Jedi on DVD that just hit stores were directly taken from the 1993 laser disc masters. Now, I am truly an idiot and a movie geek with a light social calendar and budget which has allowed me the disposable funds to purchase Star Wars every single time it has been released. The films have come out more than ten different times with varied packaging and features on VHS, in limited editions, special editions, signature editions, three separate times on laser disc including the Japanese versions, and even with packaging marked “for the last time.”

I will begrudgingly admit that I happen to own every version of Star Wars ever released and have spent more than a grand in so doing. However, consider first that I am not normal, yes, I fit that “collector” mode. And while I could complain that the recent DVD releases of these original theatrical versions are not anamorphic, the real reason to reconsider a purchase of Star Wars this time, and by reconsider, I mean “complain,” is that there is a gi-normous boxed set of all six Star Wars movies being readied for release in 2007 that will cost about $200 dollars and contain not only the original films, but the prequels and new special features not seen in any previous release such as deleted scenes from Star Wars, Empire and Jedi. So, if you are thinking of holding out, now is a great time. But since I won’t be doing that myself, I implore you to hang onto the cash and while you wait for the official announcement of this huge new boxed set, I would like to recommend that you check out the following Star Wars-related DVDs for your amusement.


Os Trapalhoes na Guerra Dos Planetas (AKA The Brazilian Star Wars)
Sure, I could mention the Turkish Star Wars, but everyone knows about that foreign crap classic. This 1978 Portugese kitsch “crapsterpiece” is about as awful as good-bad cinema gets, in fact, it’s something of a perverse pleasure. The title loosely translates as “The Tramps in the Planets War,” or something, anyway, the movie feels like a bad episode of a shot-on-video Sid & Marty Krofft TV show from the seventies. The Tramps prance around in ridiculous Star Wars ripped off costumes in search of a princess while being pursued by a Darth Vader-looking dude who speaks like a really pissed off Mexican wrestler. If I went on to explain the convoluted plot in detail, I would quickly begin to sound like a child explaining an illogical yet magical world that only exists in the theater of the mind. While the other DVDs mentioned in this piece can be easily found in stores or on the net, I had to order Os Trapalhoes na Guerra Dos Planetas directly from Brazil via a web site and it took six months to arrive, so good luck finding it. But if you do, you will have the distinction of owning a DVD that no one else has, or probably even wants.


Jar Jar Binks: The F! True Hollywood Story
Follow Jar Jar Binks in this E! True Hollywood Story style tale of his rise and fall as we see Binks rise from child star, to alcoholic mess.


StarWoids: Double Disc Special Edition
This 1999 documentary following Star Wars fans who waited in line for Episode I is now available in a special edition with more commentary, and a parade of women in Slave Leia outfits.


Hardware Wars
This spoof classic and perhaps the very first fan film made in the late 1970s, has finally gotten the special edition treatment. Now you can see digital toasters battle it out in space as they were meant to be seen.


Sars Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis
This Thai exploitation film written and directed by Taweewat Wantha is like Kill Bill meets Dawn of the Dead. A cast of goofy characters violently take on bird flu-infected zombies. Combining anime, digital effects and armies of blood-thirsty zombies, the film is painfully aware of its own ridiculousness as one character proclaims, “…zombies, snakes, this film is going for the big bucks.” It really has nothing to do with Star Wars at all, but Sars Wars sounds close enough and contains more random limbs being chopped off than all the Lucas space fantasy movies combined.

Gore gone!

Chris_Gore is an author, a filmmaker, the creator of Film Threat, and plans to trade in a box of used Star Wars DVDs at Amoeba Records so he can get all three seasons of nip/tuck on DVD, which he will probably watch and then trade in months later anyway.

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Comments
whiteyford

whiteyford

Clermont, FL
February 2005

SEP 15, 2006 10:22 AM

what? no comments? where are all the true Star Wars fans around here?

:::raises hand:::

Short of the original laserdisc platters, I've also got every friggin' release of SW...I've got a box full of SW videos that I can't figure out what to do with. I've the original VHS releases of the original series still wrapped in plastic...its like I'm afraid to open it or something.

+wf+

Chris_Gore

Chris_Gore

Los Angeles, CA
September 2005

SEP 15, 2006 10:31 AM

The new DVDs, while not awesome, are better than turning over a CAV laser disc six times! If you are curious, you can see my collection of Star Wars on super 8/vhs video/laser/dvd from Attack of the Show on YouTube here.

Avalon13Chase

Avalon13Chase

Baltimore, MD
June 2006

SEP 15, 2006 10:35 AM

I got the new discs after work tuesday and stayed up and watched them all.
and yeah I own copies of the above mentioned films, not sure if i should be proud or embarrassed.
...one day ask me about my brazilian star wars drinking game..
because you have to be ass drunk to enjoy this movie

Chris_Gore

Chris_Gore

Los Angeles, CA
September 2005

SEP 15, 2006 10:48 AM

You actually OWN the Brazilan Star Wars?! Plus 50 experience points for you! In fact, level up! Um, I'm speechless.

Avalon13Chase

Avalon13Chase

Baltimore, MD
June 2006

SEP 15, 2006 10:54 AM

Chris_Gore said:
You actually OWN the Brazilan Star Wars?! Plus 50 experience points for you! In fact, level up! Um, I'm speechless.



I went through a collecting phase a year or so ago, where if it was SW or related i needed it..someone found it and gave it to me..and its my secret shame i think

RudieCantFail

RudieCantFail

I'm lost
January 2006

SEP 15, 2006 10:59 AM



Chris_Gore said:
Now you can finally see Han Solo shoot first brutally murdering an innocent Greedo on DVD. Well, legally, that is.



The original Star Wars, as well as Empire, and Jedi have been available for several years now in the boxed set, which is why when I saw the comercials for the individually packaged DVDs Iooked over at my DVD rack and thought "Why would I want to buy those when I already have them?"
Now I got mine for Christmas, so I really don't know whether or not they were legally acquired, but I'm guessing my mom didn't buy them off the street complete with the cellophane wrapping and nice box and all that.

Chris_Gore

Chris_Gore

Los Angeles, CA
September 2005

SEP 15, 2006 11:19 AM

Hey RudieCantFail-
<<<The original Star Wars, as well as Empire, and Jedi have been available for several years now in the boxed set,>>>

What we're discussing is the original theatrical versions of Star Wars, which have never been legally available on DVD. What you must have are the special editions of those films, which contain a lot of unnecessary digital effects and cute robots and Greedo shooting first. So, you haven't seen the versions as seen in theaters, unless you have old VHS copies or your mom has a bootleg connection.

MisterSatan

MisterSatan

Portland, OR
August 2002

SEP 15, 2006 11:23 AM

Dude, fuck the Star Wars box set. Where can I buy the horrible* foreign rip-offs?

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

*Horribly BRILLIANT.

mydogfarted

mydogfarted

Oakland, NJ
June 2003

SEP 15, 2006 11:40 AM

The Holy Trilogy is back in it's unmolested form. Now if someone can make Episode 3 disappear never to be seen again by human eyes, I may call off my Jihad on George Lucas.

RudieCantFail

RudieCantFail

I'm lost
January 2006

SEP 15, 2006 12:01 PM

Chris_Gore said:
Hey RudieCantFail-
<<<The original Star Wars, as well as Empire, and Jedi have been available for several years now in the boxed set,>>>

What we're discussing is the original theatrical versions of Star Wars, which have never been legally available on DVD. What you must have are the special editions of those films, which contain a lot of unnecessary digital effects and cute robots and Greedo shooting first. So, you haven't seen the versions as seen in theaters, unless you have old VHS copies or your mom has a bootleg connection.



Touché, I guess I'm not a fan on the same caliber as you guys. Where I come from simply owning any copy of Star Wars qualifies you as an obsessive fan.

Vestril

Vestril

Coronado, CA
February 2003

SEP 15, 2006 12:26 PM

My hope is that Lucas will get shot someday soon so someone with a soul re-releases the theatrical versions on their own and re-treated. I used to like George. He used to be cool. I think my moment of true clarity came when he put Hayden Christiansen at the end of Return of the Jedi. I was crying for weeks.

Chris_Gore

Chris_Gore

Los Angeles, CA
September 2005

SEP 15, 2006 01:58 PM

Just try froogle.com and look up the titles and you'll find a source to get these foreign versions.

AceT

AceT

Portland, OR
April 2004

SEP 15, 2006 02:48 PM

I got the DVD bootlegs on eBay several years ago for about $30 for the lot. Around the same time Virgin MegaStore was selling the Japanese laserdisc versions for some obscene amount, like over $200.

And yes, I too will end up owning five different versions of this fucking thing when all is said and done. That doesn't include the time I was scammed way back in 1997 for two laerdisc sets I never got.



This isn't limited to Star Wars though, there's a handful of other movies and series I've bought at least three times each with a minor update or additional footage and featurettes I just had to get. And Chris Gore didn't help any by telling me what they were every DVDuesday. Enabler!

malkav11

malkav11

Saint Paul, MN
July 2003

SEP 16, 2006 01:07 AM

I keep vaguely considering buying the Star Wars movies. I know I ought to have them, being a huge SF geek and a movie fan both.

But....I've seen them. Several times. And there's always a better release waiting in the wings. And I have other things to spend money on. So I haven't yet bought them. Maybe I never will.

Actually, come to think of it, I only have six live-action movies on DVD. The first two Matrix movies, the first Lord of the Rings Extended edition (it was the collector version, which I was not insane enough to shell out for since the extras weren't worth the massive price increase. My mother's husband's relatives, on the other hand..), The Craft (which I got cheap, never fear, but I love that movie in a guilty sort of way. Fairuza Balk = hot.), Donnie Darko, and Sting's weird-ass movie Brimstone & Treacle, bought largely because it was cheap and at the time I didn't have Netflix.

Horrorflick

Horrorflick

Detroit, MI
February 2003

SEP 16, 2006 12:19 PM

I actually gave my copy of the first Matrix movie away after the second one came out. As good as the first one may or may not have been, those other two are, wow... The brothers W should have been chained to an Escalade and thrown into a 200 foot-deep lagoon of pig-shit along with all the proofs of those movies...

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