I am sick of this motherfucking hype on this motherfucking internet!

If you’re like me, that’s what you were screaming every day back in June whenever Snakes on a Plane was mentioned. New Line Cinema’s Snakes (or SOAP for some of you web hipsters) barely made the number one spot with a disappointing $15 million in its first weekend of release. Only days before, industry experts were predicting an easy win with a $30 million dollar opening due to the colossal internet buzz. Now, I am personally not a fan of “boxoffice talk” – basing the merits of a film entirely on how much money it generates. I believe there are more important things to consider when evaluating the success of a movie. I can name plenty of truly awful films that were, “The number one movie at the boxoffice,” many of which you would not even remember. While a list of number-one-at-the-boxoffice-turds would be too large to compile here, some that come to mind include (I’m kidding, none of these came to mind, I had to do some research) Message in a Bottle, Hide and Seek, The Watcher, Just Like Heaven, Flubber, Driven, The Wedding Planner, Beverly Hills Ninja, and Patch Adams. Do any of these ring a bell? Do you recognize any great films among this group? C’mon, these are all number one movies… yeah.

So, anyway, I seemed to be the only one who found it odd that there could be fans of a movie that had not yet been seen. Internet hype drove the perception that Snakes would go down as a “cult favorite.” And the studio bought into this by capitalizing on its strange cult status. So, in the aftermath of the Snakes web hype fizzle and boxoffice bomb, what have we learned? While I’ve heard many reasons for the supposed failure of Snakes, to me it's very clear: A “cult classic” cannot be created.

Cult films cannot be manufactured.
Cult films cannot be marketed.
Cult films cannot be hyped.
Cult films cannot be forced down audiences retinas.

By its very title, Snakes on a Plane was positioned as cult with a helping of kitsch. This is something you just can’t produce by slapping a quote on a poster that reads: “Destined to be a cult classic.” It comes off as contrived, which it was. The fickle movie-going public (which is not necessarily comprised of film fanatical web freaks) saw the film for what it was – a bad B-movie and nothing more. It was designed to be bad and it succeeded. And since there is such a thing as a “good” bad movie, on this level, Snakes fit the bill perfectly. I personally found Snakes to be a lot of fun. It’s the kind of cheesy flick you’d be perfectly satisfied to see on DVD, or for me, at the drive-in. But a Cult classic?

For a film to truly earn the moniker of “Cult” with a capital “C,” the following rules must apply:

- A Cult film must be discovered. This can happen at a film festival or at the drive-in or at an arthouse theater or at the video store or on a bootleg video or maybe even on the internet sometime soon, but generally not in wide release at a multiplex. Y’know, like Todd Haynes’ Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story, which can only be obtained as a bootleg. (Or it can be seen here online.)

- A Cult film must shun mainstream audiences by avoiding the trappings of mass appeal. Y’know, like George A. Romero’s original Dawn of the Dead which was released unrated and was only seen at urban and porn theaters since regular theaters refused to screen it.

- A Cult film must create controversy with regard to ratings or, at the very least, it must cause some trouble. Y’know, like Terry Gilliam’s Brazil, which was recut by the studio and dumped with a limited release.

- A Cult film must be made by fearless filmmakers who are not afraid to offend the general public’s sensibilities. Y’know, like John Waters’ Pink Flamingos, in which drag queen Divine devours fresh poodle poop in one glorious, uninterrupted take. Or John Waters’ Female Trouble in which Divine attempts to kill her family on Christmas. Or John Waters’ Desperate Living in which lesbian wrestlers, well, you get the picture.

- A Cult film must have at least some of the following elements: blood, nudity, sex, bad acting, and bizarre violence rarely witnessed at the movies or even in the history of humanity. Y’know, like seeing a head ripped off, kicked into the street and then taken to a pawn shop, like in David Lynch’s Eraserhead.

- A Cult film must have quotable dialog. This is important since the quote can be used as a barometer to test the coolness of potential friends and lovers. In an everyday conversation, I might say something like, “Look at ‘em, ordinary fucking people, I hate ‘em.” If you know what movie I’m talking about, then we can definitely hang. (Hint: Harry Dean Stanton said this.)

- A Cult film must provide laughs in a non-traditional way and sometimes, unintentional way. Y’know, like Harold and Maude in which suicide attempts become a laugh riot. Or like Showgirls where the unintentional hilarity stems from the earnestness of the story.

- A Cult film must be bad in a good way. Y’know, like Ed Wood’s Plan 9 from Outer Space.

- A Cult film must be initially hated by critics and then hailed by critics who change their minds years later when they finally admit that they “get it.” Y’know, like the 1932 version of Freaks by Tod Browning.

- A Cult film must be difficult to sell, to classify or sometimes even difficult to describe. Y’know like The Big Lebowski, which is about this weird guy and he has a rug and these other guys pee on it and he goes bowling with his friends and he smokes some pot and then, uh… never mind.

- A Cult film must endure the test of time and find its audience years after its original release. If you see it on the shelf at a video store more than 10 years after it first came out and it still seems like a cool movie worth seeing, then that film's Cult status has been earned. Y’know, like The Warriors from 1979, which was recently immortalized as a video game.

- And, most importantly, a Cult film must be considered a failure upon its initial release. Y’know, like Repo Man.

By fulfilling most of these terms, Snakes on a Plane could indeed become a real Cult classic. But only time (and maybe DVD sales) will tell.

Gore gone!

Chris_Gore is an author, a filmmaker, the creator of Film Threat, and is hoping his own film, My Big Fat Independent Movie, becomes a Cult classic.