Jonathan Kesselman's Suicide Watch: Swiss Family Mohammed

Recently it came to my attention that the Turkish school curriculum has begun to feature Islamified versions of classic childrens' stories.Pinocchio, Tom Sawyer and other characters have been converted to Islam in new versions of 100 classic stories on the Turkish school curriculum…The clumsy insertions by Islamic publishing houses have caused controversy in Turkey, which has been a strongly secular state since the 1920s...

Give me some bread, for Allah's sake," Pinocchio says to Geppetto, his maker, in a book stamped with the crest of the ministry of education…"Thanks be to Allah," the puppet says later…In The Three Musketeers, D'Artagnan is told that he cannot visit Aramis…An old woman explains: "He is surrounded by men of religion. He converted to Islam after his illness…Tom Sawyer may always have shirked his homework, but he is more conscientious in learning his Islamic prayers. He is given a "special treat" for learning the Arabic words.I tend to agree with these Turkish publishing houses -- many of these “classic” pieces of literature have gotten just a tad bit stale. So, SG readers, for this weeks “Suicide Watch,” I, Jonathan Kesselman, have decided to try my hand at tinkering with a few of my favorite stories…

1) Animal Farm

This book must be banned! Pigs are unholy, filthy, swine!

2) Morty Glick (AKA Moby Dick)

Ishamael narrates the tale of Captain A-rab, the tyrannical skipper of the Pequod. A-rab is driven by a monomaniacal desire to kill Morty Glick, the Infidel Jew who took his leg. Also, there’s a big, white whale that swims and stuff.

3) Portnoy’s Complaint

Alexander Portnoy rants about his sex life for exactly one sentence. He is then shot in the head by a soldier of Allah; the rest of the book consists of 300 blank pages.

4) Pippi Longstocking

Pippi Longstocking, a super-strong, red-headed, pig-tailed, budding lesbian is the head of a Swedish terrorist cell. Pippi instructs her beloved next-door neighbors, Tommy and Annika, in the science of bomb building and the logistics of orchestrating a suicide attack. All of this is, of course, funded by her father, Efraim, who is having intercourse with Mr. Nilsson.

5) Of Mice And Men

Lennie and George toil on a farm in Salinas, California. An anxious Lennie often asks George to tell him about their future. George placates Lennie by telling him that someday they’ll get a farm of their own where they’ll “live offa the fatta the lan’.” -- after that they’ll blow up the Empire State Building on behalf of the merciful Allah, killing themselves in the process. Lennie will be able to pet all 72 of his virgins in heaven.

6) To Kill and Mock A Jew

Self-explanatory.

7) Lolita

Humbert Humbert-Ali becomes infatuated with his stepdaughter. He marries her, brutally rapes and beats her, slashes her face so that no other man will ever want anything to do with his property, and then eventually sells her on the black market. Everyone’s cool with it.

8) Crime And Punishment

A megalomaniacal Russian contractor believes he is “super-human,” and takes a job re-building schools in Bagdhad. He is kidnapped by members of Al-Qaeda for his crime, and is subsequently beheaded. His death is captured on video and distributed on an Islamic Website. A kid in Omaha downloads it, recuts it to Ok Go’s ‘Here It Goes Again,’ and distributes it on You Tube. The video gets 200 million hits, the kid in Omaha is courted by all of the major film studios, and signs a 3 picture deal with Warner Brothers.

9) Are You There God Allah, It’s Me, Margaret

Margaret, a pre-teen with one Christian Parent, and one Jewish Zionist Pig Parent, is conflicted about finding her one true religion. In the story, she also buys her first bra, has her first period, and performs exercises with her girlfriends in an attempt to increase her bust size. At school, she meets a wise teacher named Dr. Abdullah Yusuf Azzam. He instructs her in the ways of Islam. She converts, murders her Infidel parents, and switches from belted sanitary napkins to maxi-pads.

10) War And Peace

There will be no peace, only war, until the Infidels of the West and the Zionist Scourge convert to Islam or are eradicated from the planet!

Now it's your turn, dear SG readers. In the comments section below, throw out some ideas of your own. Not only is it a lot of fun, but young Islamic fundamentalist minds need your shaping!!!...

(I would like to extend a special thank you to SG editor Helen_Jupiter for turning me on to the Telegraph article.)

Jon_Kesselman is the filmmaker responsible for THE HEBREW HAMMER. He is currently co-writing and directing Odd Todd for Paramount, writing and directing The Orbit Of Bob for Nickelodeon, and producing Confessions Of An Ivy League Bookie with Andrew Fierberg and Steven Shainberg. Incidentally, he is also sexy, devilishly handsome, super-smart, brilliantly funny, sexy, and exceedingly modest.

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