Letter Of Apology To Mel Gibson

8/23/06

Mel Gibson
Betty Ford Center
39000 Bob Hope Dr.
Rancho Mirage, CA 92270

Dear Mel Gibson--

Let me start by saying that I am a huge fan of your films! Braveheart, Mad Max, The Lethal Weapon movies…god damn, son, are you fucking kidding me!? You are a MOVIE STAR -- with a capital M! And as I reread my own sentence, I’m noticing that there are also other letters that are capitalized in there, too! You ROCK!

So, I’ve been reading a lot lately about your incident in Malibu. Man, talk about media overreaction, right? I personally wanted you to know, that I, Jonathan Kesselman, still think you are AWESOME! I hope the Betty Ford Clinic people are treating you nicely. Is the food good? Tell Courtney Love I said, “What up, yo!”

Anyway, the real reason I’m writing is to apologize. I have to tell you, this is probably the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write in my entire life. As I sit here in front of my keyboard, I’m seriously contemplating whether or not I should even tell you this; however, seeing all of this nasty flack you’re taking for some of the things you said about “certain people” of a “certain ethnic/cultural/religious/” background, I figured I should set the record straight. I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest for some time, and I couldn’t think of a better person to tell than you. So, here goes…

The Jews did not kill Jesus. I did.

First off, I just want to say that I know there a lot of people out there that are probably all pissed off about the dead Jesus thing, and I totally get that. And if it's any consolation at all Mel, I feel really, really awful about the whole situation. But the fact is, I couldn't sit back any longer, and allow the Jewish community as a whole to take responsibility for the actions of just one person. And while yes, I am technically Jewish, I think it would be unfair to blame the murder of a major deity on one group just because that group just so happens to have something in common with me. I mean, I love eating sushi and reading on the toilet, but that doesn't mean that the Sushi Eaters or the Toilet Readers killed Christ, right?

Hell, you made Bird On A Wire, but that doesn’t make you responsible for ALL bad movies, right?

So Mel, at this point you're probably asking, "Hey Jon, what happened? What went wrong?" Well, in a nutshell, I was young and impulsive, shit got out of hand, and I killed the son of god. But it was an accident. I swear.

Never mind what your pop or “The Bible” tells you -- here's really what went down. So, I was chilling out in Jerusalem with some of my boys, when this dude with long hair wearing some sweet Birkenstock-y type sandals and a flowing white robe that he totally copied from The Polyphonic Spree, comes cruising down the street. There were a whole lot of what I can only describe as fan boys chilling out with him, hanging on to his every word. I mean I'll hand it to the guy -- you subtract the Manson Family haircut and the nightgown from his overall look, and this dude was sort of a pimp. Anyway, so the guy walks by, and I overhear him tell his crew stuff like, "I am Jesus. He who believes in me will also do the works that I do," and "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth," and so on and so forth. Which is cool. I mean I didn't have a problem with any of that stuff. But suddenly, he turns to one of his homies and tells him, "I am the king of the Jews." And that's when the problem started.

You see, anyone who knows me, already knows that I'm the original "King Of The Jews." I mean, not only is it my nickname, but it's like, my thing. I’m not kidding, Mel. I have it written with a sharpie on the side of my sneakers, I have a K.O.T.J. crown tattoo on the inside of my thigh, and at one point, in junior high, I even had the barber use his #2 clippers to write "Jew King" on the back of my head. You see what I'm saying!? "The King Of The Jews" is my thing.

So naturally, I was peeved when I heard Jesus frontin'. And because it was over two thousand years ago and I wasn't as mature as I am today, I got all hot and heavy about it. So, I got right up into Jesus' grill, and I was like, "Yo dude, why you gotta front?" And he was like, "I'm sorry my son, I do not know of what you speak." And then I was all, "Nigga please! You know you're bitin' my style, dawg! You're going around tellin' all your crew that you're the 'King Of The Jews,' when everyone here already knows that that shit belongs to me!" Jesus looked at his posse kind of funny, and for a minute I thought I was going to have to get all freaky deaky on him, but he just played it off all cool-like, and was all, "We only request that you let us pass. I mean you no harm." Damn! Now I was even more upset, because he was trying to use that Mahatawata Ghandi non-violent reverse psychology shiit on me. He was trying to flip the script, and make me look like the asshole. But I was on to his little plan.

Anyway, my boys were laughing at me, and I was starting to feel like a chump. I told Christ that only one of us could have that title, and that was just how it was gonna have to be. He tried to ignore me and continue walking on by, but I stepped in front of him, blocking his path, looking him right in the eye. And I'm talking steely cold Jet Li eyes. Whaa Paa!!! I told homeboy that the only way to settle this thing was to settle it like men. And, as was the common practice among Jews back in the day in settling beefs like this, I challenged him to a carpentry-off.

Now Mel, I'm not going to bore you to death with all of the bloody little details of the rest of the story. Let's just say that what happened that day happened not because of a lack of carpentry skills on my end, but was purely the fault of that god-damned defective nail gun. I think somebody must have tried to modify the thing into some kind of semi-automatic mode, because the minute I turned it on, it was shink, shink, shink -- throwing nails off in every direction like a Roman candle on the 4th of July. And by the time I figured out how to turn that bad boy off, I looked over to find Jesus pinned spread eagle to the crossbeam he was carrying. And he was as dead as a doornail. No. Scratch that. He was dead from doornails.

So, that's it. That's what went down. But as is the case with old stories, when stuff gets told and retold over the years, things get all discombobulated and changed around. From a purely selfish standpoint, I'm guess I was cool with you not singling me out in J.C.'s death. But this whole blame it on "the Jews" thing is just getting kind of tired and out of hand. I mean, come on Mel, the dude was Jewish himself. He was playing on my team from day one. It's not like he died, and then all of a sudden decided to not be Jewish anymore. It's not like his dying last words were, "Hmm. I think I'll just make up my own religion, name it after myself, and transfer my own religional status to my new made up religion so I can blame my own people for killing me in the first place." In fact, I know that's not what his dying last words were because a) I was there when I killed him, and b) I heard the man talk firsthand, and that's not how he sounded. He used words like "Thou" and "Shall" and "Meek" and "Blessed," and his sentences were usually a lot shorter than that one.

So, in summation, I just wanted you to know the score. I’m sorry you weren’t told about this earlier. As you can imagine, the whole killing of a God thing can be a little bit awkward and embarrassing. But in the future, I guess all I ask is that you please don't go out and blame the Jews, or the Sushi Eaters, or even the Toilet Readers for the death of Christ. I'm the one who did it after all. And I'm sorry.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Baruch Kesselman (AKA King Of The Jews)

PS – I have also included my official “public” apology that my publicist helped me craft. Would you mind taking a look see and letting me know if it needs any more pizzazzing up?

“I would like to extend an apology to the entire Christian faith for the things I have said and done. There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who kills Jesus. I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Christian community for the vitriolic and harmful deeds that I did to Mr. Jesus H. Christ the day I killed him. Please know from my heart that I am not anti-Jesus. I am a public person, and when I do something accidentally in a moment of competition my actions carry weight in the public arena. As a result, I must assume personal responsibility for what I did and apologize directly to those who have been hurt and offended by that action/killing. I call on the Christian Community to help me discern the appropriate path for healing. I am in the process of understanding where that vicious YET TOTALLY ACCIDENTAL murder came from during that prideful display, and I am asking the Christian community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery. Again, I am reaching out to the Christian community for its help. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed.”


Photo Location:
WNBC

Photo Location:
Donatocalabrese

Photo Location: My Contrite Laptop (Again, really sorry JK)

Jon_Kesselman is the filmmaker responsible for The Hebrew Hammer. He is currently co-writing and directing Odd Todd for Paramount, writing and directing The Orbit Of Bob for Nickelodeon, and producing Confessions Of An Ivy League Bookie with Andrew Fierberg and Steven Shainberg. Incidentally, he is also sexy, devilishly handsome, super-smart, brilliantly funny, sexy, and exceedingly modest.