My world has just changed forever. I wake up day in and day out, assuming I live in a post-Seagal word. Assuming that the most I'd hear of Seagal these days would be an arrest for drunk driving or some altercation somewhere. How wrong I was. The Seagal era continues. I want to say ""stronger than ever" but that seems like an exaggeration. Let's just say the state of the Seagal era is "strong."

Okay, what? TWO Seagal bombshells in one day? One would've been more than enough, two is just greedy. Tomorrow, when I wake up to no Seagal news it's gonna feel like a cold, empty Seagal-less void. It's like eating two feasts back to back only to know the next day brings starvation. I almost don't want to eat.

Let me get this straight, 1) Steven Seagal is a cop?!?! How has this escaped my notice? And for ten years? That sort of implies he's actually pretty decent at his job and that it's not a total stunt...This is really something that has happened on our world? And it isn't national news?

And 2) Um, WE GET TO WATCH HIM BE A COP ON TV?! Unbelievable.

"Musical activites" makes me nervous. Hopefully we're talking about the music created when a fist bounces off a bad guy's skull. The sweet sounds produced when a pool cue collides with a Haitian drug kingpin's ribs. Not, um, you know, shitty sax-filled jazz.

Hopefully "philanthropic activities" refers to his donating punches to lawbreakers, and volunteering his time, free of charge, to the pursuit of arm-breaking and kneecapping all those who defy him.

Uh, thanks Variety, is that who Steven Seagal is? He's that guy? Not the president of France, Steven Seagal? Good to know.

The only people who don't know who Steven Seagal is have been living in a cave the past twenty years, and chances are they're living there to avoid detection by Seagal who sent them running to the cave in the first place. So, yeah, anyone reading Variety knows who Seagal is.

Also, Under Siege is still the best rip-off 'Die Hard on a boat, balcony spaceship, etc., movie' ever made. To re-cap, he's a chef on a boat taken hostage by villains... who also happens to be an ex Navy Seals. Or was it Green Beret? Special Forces? Well, you get the idea. And Tommy Lee Jones is the main bad guy.

The ONLY way that was ever going to happen was to put Steven Seagal in a reality show. That's a fact, ask any expert. You wanna publicize the plight of the people of Louisiana? Then you gotta take Seagal. It's just like how JCVD was actually made to draw attention to the perils of not making your bank robbery proof. People needed to know about it.

Think about that first sentence: "Seagal 'helps fight crime because he...'" Someone really said that. And it wasn't in reference to a movie. If you had walked into my bedroom twenty years ago while I was watching Out For Justice or Hard to Kill or Punch to Neck and said to me, "Hey man, pretty cool, right? Uh, by the way, someday Seagal will fight REAL crime on the planet Earth and they'll make it a TV show," I would've either exploded in tears of joy, or I would've pummeled the lunatic who'd broken into my house and spouted crazy talk. And now, that reality is here.

A guy robbing a convenience store will hear an offscreen, "Hey shitbag... looks like you've got more than ten items..." Then look up to see Steven Seagal say, "Here's two more." (delivers two punches) And WE GET TO SEE IT.

A drunk driver will get pulled over to hear, "Looks like you've been drinking and driving... You like drinking so much, you're Mr Drink-guy, right? Why don't you try drinking my fist. (punch)

A guy speeding will get pulled over to hear, "What's your hurry? You need to get somewhere fast? A regular 'Mr. Hurry' we got here. How about I show you my shortcut...Let me see here, according to this map, you were going...TO SLEEP." (punches guy)

A jaywalker will hear, "You like crossing against the light? That your thing? That gets you off, right? Well you didn't just cross the street...you crossed ME...and that makes me, cross. When I get cross I cross you off a list. The list of people I don't punch in the face. This automatically adds you to my list of people I DO punch in the face. Also, I'm wearing a cross." (punches guy)

TheCoolerKIng is SuicideGirls' "Culture" and "Celeb" editor (we'll use those terms loosely). Click HERE for further reading. He's also doing this: HowToBeatUpAnything

Mad Men is one of the best shows on TV that most people still don't watch. Despite a huge ad campaign (one worthy of the fictitious Sterling Copper agency, only their version would've been hatched while eighty-percent inebriated, which I doubt was the case in real-life), and a recent Emmy win, Mad Men seems unable to grab much of an audience outside of critics and the small group of non-idiots who managed to somehow hear about it and give it a shot.

Yeah, I'm assuming the majority who tuned in and then out were idiots. I realize the Emmy's were only last week and the show might do well this Sunday as a result of their win, but... The critical acclaim and awards seem to ensure that the show will be around awhile either way, but, it'd be nice to see it become a huge hit.

What's so great 'bout it, you ask? I'll tell you. I whittled this list down from the original 129 most awesome things about Mad Men. (Is 129 a good joke large number to indicate something is fantastic? I toyed with using 284. Shit, that would've been good. Ahh well, too late now. Why on Earth did I insist on carving these articles onto stone tablets and then shipping them to SG headquarters?? It seems so short-sighted now.)

The 9 Best Things About Mad Men

1) The women actually look the way women should look. Curvy and real and not like buffalo hide drawn tightly over the the face of a small porcelain dollhead that's then used to top a pencil. Take the character Joan for instance. (Played by the actress who also portrayed Mal Reynolds' wife in Firefly, which I think probably makes her my favorite actress according to a convoluted Venn diagram that I'm guessing would look like her rack.) Okay, sure her curves are actually just padding but it still counts. And sure, the women on the show are objectified within an inch of their lives, and that gets awkward but, the fact that they look like actual women is great.

2) The drinking! They somehow manage to take one of the best things ever and then make it look better and cooler than you remember it being. I actually ran to my bar after the credits rolled to see if I'd have as much fun as they did. I thought I was an alcoholic before I started watching this show. Wow. It does for drinking what Big Night did for eating.

3) John Slattery

4) The moment when head of accounts Duck Phillips sends his beloved family dog out into the wilds of New York so that he can presumably drink himself to death in peace. I don't know how I feel about this scene, not pleasant obviously, repulsive yes, but holy shit, it's crazy damn original. I can't imagine any other show giving us a moment like that

4) The scene where Don Draper's daughter mixes him a drink. Cute, and kind of weird. But think of the convenience! I'm pro-child labor as long as the kids are only making drinks. That's not so hard, right? You get tired, take a sip! It's win, win.

5) Pete Campbell, the once uppity, now castrated accounts guy. Any other show would've continued to build him as a nemesis for Don using over the top scheming and bad guy antics to turn him into a cartoon. On this show he's humbled and has his robot-like insides ripped out for all to see. Every week we get to watch him flail about and alienate people with no clue as to why things are happening and why humans behave the way they do. He could teach robot lessons to Cylons.

6) Salavatore Romano. I don't understand why he's so unhappy. He's got a great career, totally hot wife, and that one dude from Belle Jolie totally wanted to be his best friend! Why so sad?! Last season all he did was make loud showy comments about what he'd do to such-and-such woman in front of his male co-workers, what happened to that passion? I bet he winds up dumping his wife just so he can play the field. You can take the man out of the lady, but you can't take the ladies(-man) out of the man... or something.

7) The show was created by Mathew Wiener, one man who had an idea and a vision for a show. Not a team of Pete Campbell-esque "writers" all chiming in with notes and ideas for a premise that was churned out by Simon Cowell.

8) The title sequence and theme song. I don't really know enough about such things to even break down why they're so great. if I tried, I imagine I'd use a word like "spare." Maybe, "pristine" if I was feeling bold. Oh, also "bold."

9) Don Draper. I'm not sure a cooler character has ever existed. I hate these kind of comedic clichés, but if I didn't, I'd say Don was the result of Cary Grant, Fonzie's leather jacket and an iPhone getting into that machine that turned Jeff Goldblum into The Fly. That's how cool he is.




TheCoolerKIng's column appears each Sunday at SuicideGirls.com. Click HERE. He's also doing this: HowToBeatUpAnything

A perfect storm of douchiness. That's what I seem to be staring into.

Before I get to that, I realize mocking or despising Paris Hilton is neither original nor hard. It's been done. A lot. People are kind of sick of it. I don't care. The facts remain the same. She is atrocious and really shouldn't be tolerated on any level. Ideally, there'd be two kinds of people in this world, those who despise Paris Hilton, and those who haven't yet heard of Paris Hilton. But nope, that second group may not exist and, alarmingly, there's a third group of people who adore her, and seem to think she is somehow doing her own thing, representing the ladies etc. These people are wrong.

In a similar though slightly more respected category is Ryan Seacrest. (Wow, quick sidebar –– what are the chances of that? I'm sorry, that never happens –– you're discussing Ryan Seacrest and he's not even the worst part of the story, that is a rare occurence my friends.)

So, Seacrest, yeah... He's been rightfully mocked but then went through a weird period where people insisted he was good at his job and moved things along nicely on American Idol ,etc. Others even praised his business sense and empire-building skills. (Yeah, that guy's the best, the dude who pipes up during a discussion about TV or film or whatever to say "yeah he may suck but he's a really good businessman." When did that become something to admire? Who gives a shit? I mean, good for him but it doesn't excuse his general shittiness.)

There you go. I just shot some fish in a barrel. To sum up, they stink. But hey, just keep stinking on your own time far away from me and the things I enjoy. He should stick to American Idol or horrendous radio or whatever his day job is ("he works so hard!" again, who cares?). And she should agree to stay away from any channels not ending in an an exclamation point, and all will be fine...

But it doesn't seem like that's going to happen.

Wha..Are you kidding me? I almost don't know how to react to that. Like, the gall involved in that statement, is mind-boggling... They do know that "scripted shows" require people to act (and read), right? Separately, neither one of these simpletons should be anywhere near any sort of scripted show, so the fact that they're teaming up is... unbelievable.

Why not set out to build a rocket ship to the Neptune? Or cure cancer? Honestly, those options are just as much in your wheelhouse and just as likely for you to succeed at, as developing a show.

I know I'll regret saying this but I almost want to see this abomination. Just to be able to have some new refrence point for awful. To be able to look at it for a few seconds, quantify it in some way, and then forget it ever existed, so that I can go on to enjoying nice things in the world.

There's more.

Oh-for-two Seacrest, some nice work there... In fact, SHE DOES NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS. She doesn't work hard, and she takes herself very seriously. Did you really have to lie? There was no other way you could think of to compliment her?

Like, "Um, yeah, well, she's a person... and they put people on TV shows, so as you can see that's a pretty good fit right there."

Or just come right out and say "There are quite a few terrible shows on the air, why shouldn't I make some money off of one... And who better to appear in a terrible show than Paris?"

Somewhat off topic, but equally annoying is the headline for the article.

Picture some mouth-breather sounding out that sentence, getting to the ellipsis, kinda freaking out, then finishing. "What the- Ohhhh... Hahahahaha. Oh, E!, you saucy devil you... for a minute there I thought you meant that they'd gotten together in a "you know" way, hehehe! but okay, I see what you meanted to be readinged. Me like joke."

Seacrest and Hilton. I defy you to come up with a worse combo. I dare you. It's like the polar opposite of peanut butter and chocolate. Like whatever the oppsosite is, they're that, if when you ate it it would give you malaria.

Hitler and Dane Cook? Stabbings and global warming? You can't do it can you...?




TheCoolerKIng enjoys good TV and would like there to be more of it...His column appears each Sunday at SuicideGirls.com. Click HERE for more.

BY THE COOLER KING

The world is full of assholes. An unending sea of roiling, bubbling assholes, growing, spawning combining to bring forth even bigger, and bigger assholes on a minute by minute basis. A sea so massive in scope that it’s become nearly impossible to stand out in if you’re anything short of a murderer. All this makes Jennifer Lopez’s latest offering even more special... impressive even.

Not only did she manage that impressive feat, she went further, managing to embody nearly everything wrong with America today in one single statement. I’m not sure most could do this even if trying. A coked-up Donald Trump doesn’t might not even be able to hit that mark every time.

Bravo. I mean, really, well done. Before I attempt to break that bullshit down, consider that this was a statement made to A PUBLIC ORGANIZATION. This wasn’t some late night drunken confession to a close friend who saw dollar signs. This wasn’t in some diary stolen from her house. Not only does she think this way, (which I’m sure a few jerk-holes here and there do) she thinks it’s okay to express this thought to the public.

Things Ruining America Found Within Jennifer Lopez

People are spoiled - Pretty easy to grasp. She takes things for granted. does not value them. Cares nothing for objects which other people create. half-heartedly attempts to recycle them before blaming someone else ("it's a shame" in regards to their not taking children's clothes. Yes, indeed, THAT'S the shame. That part) and then throwing the clothes away. And then telling the world about it.

Kids don’t appreciate anything - Kids get this way by getting handed things they o not appreciate. Also, by witnessing shitty people act shitty. Made worse when aforementioned shitty person is a parent.

Kids are selfish - They get this way by feeling they deserve things more than others. Things like soon to be discarded designer clothes.

People are selfish - See above. Those kids grow up and ruin things. Also, see, almost any newspaper headline.

People are wasteful - They reveal this by discarding designer clothes.

People are shallow - They think designer labels mean something. I mean, they do, to a degree. Some are quite nice. Nice enough I'd dare to not throw out after one wearing.

People are lazy – Putting together outfits is fun! Sure, using the word "outfit" leaves you open to ridicule but you get what I mean. Finding ways to recombine old shit with new shit and designer shit is challenging and to be much more vaule than simply throwing on a designer dress. C'mon.


That’s it. Is there really anything currently plaguing this planet she country she missed? She did everything with the exception of murder, and, as far as I can tell, she doesn’t covet her neighbor's wife.





TheCoolerKing is Comic Con bound

SuicideGirls Visits Set of Friday the 13th, Part 1

by Ryan Stewart


"Hey Jason, over here!" I yell across the outdoor cafeteria tent to a hulking, 6'5 man in gruesome deformity makeup who has just finished filling his plate at the fixins table. That's when he, Jason Voorhees, turns toward me and slowly starts walking my way. Normally, this is the part where you would run for your life, but luckily Jason doesn't do his killin' until after lunch. When I say lunch, by the way, I mean 2:30 in the morning -- Friday the 13th is on night call for nearly the entire duration of its shoot and I've been lucky enough to visit the Austin, Texas set on one of the final nights of production before everything wraps. There will be no wrap party after everything closes down, a policy on all Platinum Dunes films instituted after they realized that most of the cast members in their films wrap (read: die) long before the actual end of the shooting schedule. Instead, they do something like a "halfway done" party.

Derek Mears, the giant, imposing actor who is donning the Red Wings mask and hard plastic machete this time around -- I got to hold both! -- is surprisingly the nicest, most outgoing person I'll end up meeting the entire trip. Before sitting down with him for lunch in the cool Austin air along with a few other journalists, we've already had a chance to visit with him in his trailer and discuss the ins and outs of this film, which is set for release in February 2009 and can best be described as a tonal remake that chooses many of its plot elements and inspiration from the first three films in the Friday the 13th series. To say any more than that at this point is absolutely forbidden, as is to quote from any of the half-dozen or so extensive interviews I conducted during my trip. All of that will be coming in time, but for now I can only tease you by saying that I learned way more than I bargained for on this particular set visit and from talking to others who came on previous visits, and there's probably very little about the film that isn't known to me at this point. So, at the risk of provoking angry comments, let's get this out of the way:

• What's the plot of the film? Surprisingly, I probably know all of it except the ending, but I think all I can say is that it does take place at Camp Crystal Lake.

• Which of the actresses in the film get naked, if any? I could provide guidance on that, but I won't. But nudity is an imperative. No PG-13 nonsense here.

• What does Jason look like in the film, and does his look evolve at all? Good question -- I'm not telling.

• Do recurring characters from the previous films show up here? Pamela Voorhees? Tommy Jarvis? Past survivor girls? The ghost of Crazy Ralph? Again, all good questions.

• Could I describe any of the kills in this film? I could describe at least one in detail, yes, but I won't.

• When will we see a teaser trailer for this film? I think I'm allowed to say they are rushing to get something ready for ComicCon.

• Will there be Jason-POV shots and "ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma"? Hmmm ... what do you think?

• This remake draws its inspiration from the first three of the original series, you say? What does that mean? Stop asking me questions!

Here's one thing I can say now -- I've rarely been on a more collaborative, intense movie set than this one, with the cast and crew huddled around the monitors before and after each take and making creative decisions on the fly, seemingly to the betterment of the film. Director Marcus Nispel was rarely within my line of sight during my visit -- he's notoriously press shy and didn't want to be bothered -- but while he was putting his actors through the ringer I got to watch scenes unfold from a few feet away via the monitors and the cast members on hand seemed more like athletes than actors, charged up and intensely focused and ready to be called back onto the field at a moment's notice. That is, of course, when they weren't dodging darts from a Nerf-style dart gun being wielded by Derek Mears. (I eventually took one in the chest that was intended for producer Brad Fuller.)

Lead cast members on hand who I got to sit down with during the night aside from Derek Mears included Jared Padalecki, a dude who looks exactly like a Calvin Klein underwear model but who seems like a down to Earth, reasonable fellow. Then there was Danielle Panabaker, a very cute young lady who comes across as really young -- I doubt that she pre-dates Jason Takes Manhattan -- but also very much on her game and seemingly bemused about being in a Friday the 13th film. Then there was Amanda Righetti, who is a touch older and was the most generous with her time, considering that she was working the entire night. With dirt on her arms and clothes and her hair somewhat slicked back, she would continually go from the little interior set where she was filming multiple set-ups of a high-energy scene back to the little crew area in front of the monitors, where our small group of journalists had set up camp. Despite clearly being exhausted, she rallied in order to talk to us before we left for the night and was more coherent and charming than one could hope for.

Friday the 13th already wrapped its location filming around Austin, including at a local lake that's standing in for Crystal Lake, but while I was on the set I was taken around to various interior set-ups all within a few yards of each other. A set tour is always amusing because you can literally walk five feet and go from a character's living room to something completely different -- they even stack these structures on top of one another for easy access. At one point I climbed the stairs of a makeshift, Jenga-like structure that contained a couple of different sets for the film and got to hear the lowdown on each one. It's movie magic! My tour guide for the most part was producer Brad Fuller, who strikes me as one of the most genuine, passionate guys you'd ever want to meet in this business. If I had been taping everything he told us that night, I'd probably have three hours of tape and it would all be fascinating -- he never runs out of interesting stuff to say. A lot of what he had to say about Friday the 13th in particular will probably remain off-the-record until release day, but some of it I will be able to reveal in Part 2 of this set report.

As I said before, I did get to actually hold the mask at one point during the night, which was certainly a highlight for someone who grew up on the Friday the 13th films. When we sat down with the film's special effects make-up guru, he went into great detail about how he designed the mask this time around. Turns out he got hold of one of the old fiberglass masks from Friday the 13th, Part 3D and used that as his template to create a high-strength resin copy that's designed to take punishment and not be dented or cracked. Other elements of Jason's look and filming the actual kills were also discussed -- the amount of blood, the technique of coordinating a kill for maximum effect, the things he learned from maestro Tom Savini, the subtle mixture of practical and non-practical effects, and much more. Later on we also sat down with the director of photography and talked about how he approached Friday the 13th in terms of lighting and coloring, creating a mixture that works for the tone of the film and so forth. It's only when you sit down with these craftsmen that you really get an appreciation for how much time and energy they put into their work.

There's not much more I can say at this point without having the crew actually dispatch Jason to my apartment with a weed-whacker, so I will close for now by thanking everyone at Warner Bros. and Platinum Dunes for inviting me down for a really fun night in Austin. If the vibe I got on set was accurate, these people have put an enormous amount of time and energy into re-launching the Friday the 13th series with panache and style and have taken special care to cherry-pick all the best elements from the previous films and re-imagine them here. Whenever I heard people make obscure references to the earlier films in the producers' presence throughout the night, they were never thrown off their game -- they seemed to know those movies by heart and that's obviously who you want shepherding this thing. When I can say more, I shall return!

Normally I wouldn't be too excited about (or even interested in) two famous people "fighting" unless they were actually fighting. But normally, one of those two people isn't Clint Eastwood.

Since Clint no longer makes the kind of movies he used to, featuring him shooting evil in the stomach, then kicking it in the balls (the balls of evil are an elusive target, and made of cast iron and broken dreams. Fortunately, they're also highly susceptible to an Eastwood-kick), I guess I have to settle for him verbally battering his foes in the media. Ahh, whatever, it's still Eastwood, right?

The first jab jab was thrown by Spike Lee, he of the one good movie, a few weeks back at Cannes. Not at Clint, though, but the Cohen brothers. I guess he had to warm up for a foe the likes of Eastwood. Notch a win over a less-worthy opponent, to build confidence.

Ahh yes, because there is one way and ONLY one way to portray death onscreen. And judging by most of his recent efforts, this means putting it into an un-watchable movie.

Yes, you idiot, not everyone is making ham-fisted, clumsy bullshit where death needs to be given the weight of an elephant. There are many, many genres and even many more ways to convey something as complicated as death, than you might know about. Some people take a humorous look at it. Some revel in it's gore and enjoy a good onscreen demise. Some find a way of illustrating it's seriousness by seemingly treating it lightly. And in fact, some people make movies that are three times as good as yours. The rest settle for making them twice as good.

Not looking good for the upcoming Clint-battle. Maybe he should pick another tune-up, possibly against a Uwe Boll-type. Nope, he starts swinging.

Fighting a bit out of his weight class... As evidenced by Clint's retort in a great interview published Friday.

Already awesome.

Fucking Clint, he's still got it. Spike woke up a sleeping dragon. A squinty-eyed, leather-skinned dragon with a low rumble for a voice... Actually, it occurs to me that that describes pretty much all dragons, as well as Clint Eastwood. Hey that analogy went in a full circle!

And he has this to say about his next film, a period film taking place in a pre-integrated Los Angeles.

Clint Eastwood is swearing! Fuck yeah!

And here's the knockout blow. A verbal uppercut. Or possibly a verbal left hook, it's hard to get the conversions totally accurate.

Not realizing he's out of his league Spike fired back with the following, and proved himself to be kind of a fucking moron.

Riiight. Because Clint replying to your initial attack must mean that he thinks he's a boss on some southern civil war-era plantation and that he can order you around, not that he merely took issue with your words. Nope, he's a racist trying to bully a black man. Wow.

Yes, that's what he said, he said insignificant. He didn't just point out that the movie focused on a specific picture of soldiers raising a flag, in which no black soldiers appeared.

Clint may fire back (yeah, I know I was using a boxing metaphor, not a shooting one, it doesn't matter) but he doesn't need to, his points been made. Spike should worry about making movies. Clint should keep being the coolest son of a bitch alive.






TheCoolerKing ranks Clint's top five movies thusly: The Outlaw Josey Wales. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, Unforgiven, High Plains Drifter, and possibly either A Fistful of Dollars, Paint Your Wagon or Two Mules for Sister Sara. Shit, he also loves Pale Rider. And Dirty Harry. And In the Line of Fire.

Yeah, that's right. Twenty dollars in cold hard cash to the person who can find an original or funny moment in Mike Myers' new film The Love Guru. I'm not sure I've seen a more laugh-free, cringe-worthy trailer in all of my life.

They need to create two new words meaning SHIT and GARBAGE, put them in a box and encourage them to sire offspring, then use that new bastard child-word to describe this debacle.

I'm not sure Myers has ever been funny, but people often make an argument for Wayne's World. I didn't like Austin Powers at all, but I know some respectable types who did. I seem to vaguely recall enjoying So I Married An Axe Murderer in high school, though I could be wrong about how it holds up. But this new offering, holy hell... I'd like to hear from the person out there who chuckled at this stale, ham-fisted stereotype. It honestly seems like something out of an early '90s time capsule, also containing a Hootie & The Blowfish cassingle, tribal tattoos and a gigapet. Although, by comparison, those things are hilarious.

I don't know where to begin. How about with the fact that half the gimmick of this "character," the sex-schtick, has been lifted from Austin Powers. Then there's the never-not-riotously funny gag of bouncing a midget around the set. The midget featured here has had this role role before. It took me a few seconds to remember where. Oh yes, that's right, in Austin Powers. I wonder if they re-used the footage and just CGI'd new outfits onto him. Oh wait, I forgot midgets are funny. I meant "get new doll clothes" for him.



Again, 20 bucks to the person who finds the so-called comedy of The Love Guru. Not as easy as it sounds, as you actually have to watch the movie to complete this mission. No fun for anyone. The other option is attempting to extract something funny from the trailer, also impossible, even with high-tech microscopes and the use of freeze frame. There is however a large portion of "not funny" present.

- The first gag, a funny sounding town name that when spoken slowly reads as "hair-in-my-keister." That's right, the first thing you see to sell the movie, is a joke that my shut-in drunken uncle would frown at. Think about what that jokes inclusion means. It means that numerous, NUMEROUS people read that line in the script or heard it ad-libbed and then said "Yes... that's REALLY funny. Put it in."

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing," seems pretty appropriate here.

All I'd have hoped for is that a moderately funny man or assistant or grip, had done ANYTHING.

- This is followed by a CGI-adult Mike Myers' head pasted onto a kid Mike Myers' body. This is funny because, you see, Mike Myers is actually an adult. He is NOT a kid. But for the purposes of hilarity, he is a kid here. A kid with an adult's head. Trust me when I tell you I type this with tears of laughter rolling down my face. Wait, sorry, I meant the opposite of laughter-tears. What's the kind for when bad stuff happens? Those.

- Then the Guru abruptly stands up in a teeny-tiny midget office like they have nowhere, and smashes the teeny-tiny ceiling. Nope, they don't even bother to give him a proper excuse like, something startling him, he merely lurches upwards for no good reason to deliver the money shot of awesome that is a ceiling breaking. He somehow entered a tiny room, sat down and instantly forgot where he was. If only people watching this movie could master the same trick. The only way that joke could get worse is if you saw it twice, and fortunately, I bet you'll see it three more times before the "movie" ends. Dare we hope for a messy version? Then one involving maybe an unseen tree branch? Oh man, are you listening God?

- The next gem is JT himself, Justin Timberlake, donning tight shorts and a funny wig. A different funny wig than the one Myers wears. And a different funny mustache, too. They at least went that far... JT should stick to making watered down R&B, which my friends-who-dance tell me he's quite good at. What he isn't good at, is this.

- Myers' then remarks regarding Timberlake that "it looks like he's smuggling a schnauser," a joke you might remember from real-life appearances at offices across the land, often used when describing a European seen on a recent beach trip. Another trailer has a version of the "I had a hat like that... then I got a job," line also famous for being found comedy, in use since the '80s. Why not, right? Great call, guys.

- Hah! His little pillow-car beeps when it backs up! Like trucks do! But it's not a truck, you see, it's a...

You've seen this joke before, too, in various sitcoms and films. An actual funny take on the premise is George from "Seinfeld" attempting to work "beep beep" into a conversation, to get Jerry to back the story up, and getting called out on it. A moment far funnier than this entire film. Oh, and one written over ten years ago. Those Foster Farms chickens are right, who needs freshness? Those chickens, by the way? Also funnier than this movie. A full list of things funnier than this movie is impossible but would contain: Tucker Carlson, forks, malaria, stab wounds to the eye, paper, paper cuts and the letter G.

I can't go on. The muscles in my body responsible for cringing have collapsed from over exertion.


This shit movie has a price on its head. The bounty is out. 20 BUCKS! Mailed personally to you from SG headquarters. Claim it if you dare.






TheCoolerKing looks forward to the inevitable comparison of Mike Myers' success and bankroll with his own, comment from an unfunny fellow with a poor mastery of the caps lock.

Or, what passes for Indy these days. That may seem harsh but, yeah, he's not the man he was in his prime. But, somehow, shockingly, despite that creaky trailer... Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull isn't awful. It's kind of fun. And easily in the "not horrendous" category. Bravo. Maybe it was my lowered expectations but, yeah, not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Still, there were some moments that really came close to sucking, no doubt thanks to the non-writing, writer of the film, Goerge Lucas. Fucking A. Ah well, here's what I learned, good and bad.

***SPOILERS***



****COOL?****



***OKAYHEREWEGO*****


1) Black leather "greaser" jackets are laughable. Like, they no longer work when used to convey "cool." Or even as basic apparel. Maybe when Brando went with it. Maybe it had some luster years later when the Fonz threw it on. But not now and not when set in the '50s. It's hokey.

This goes for the real world too. A million cheeseball agents are in fact, wrong.

2) Shia LaBeouf is a tool. Well, I didn't technically learn it in this movie, but it was confirmed. And it's not that he even does a horrible job. He's fine here. But, also a tool. How do I know that, since his acting his fine? Just a sense.

3) George Lucas' insistence on shoving cute animals down our throats in every movies he touches is out of control. Fucking ewoks-- I mean prairie dogs. God damn I was ready for them to start dancing like the gopher at the end of Caddyshack. Ahh and then the monkeys. Close-ups of adorable CGI monkey doing hilarious things, not needed at all in this movie.

4) Harrison Ford is surprisingly jacked up for a man of 65. He's takes his shirt off at one point and is kinda huge. I'm not sure what my point is, but, yeah, he's a force. Which makes the fact that Shia is supposed to be a tough guy and yet, is completely dwarfed by Ford, kinda hard to swallow.

5) Every single ancient temple shown on film will eventually explode. Often after you solve it's mystic riddle but sometimes even when you do something simple like move an idol or grab a torch.

6) Even Spielberg (or Lucas?) isn't above occasionally borrowing an awesome technique for killing a guy onscreen. In this case, the blowgun reversal trick seen first in "Young Sherlock Homes." I thought Spielberg had a hand in that one which would mean he stole from himself but, according to my half-assed Google search, that's not the case.

7) A photograph of Sean Connery conveys more depth and weight and does a better job acting in this movie than the actual Cate Blanchett.

8) The "Crystal Skull" is the worst prop in movie history. Really, how much did this thing cost to make? It looked like a lucite ball filled with crumpled saran wrap. Bill Murray's bowling ball from Kingpin had more wonder to it.

9) It was awesome and quite refreshing to see Indy, or any aging male star, finally date/hook-up with/romance someone close to his own age.

Sure, it was undercut somewhat by the fact that in real life Ford is dating someone close to 30 years his junior, but hey, at least there's finally a film version we can applaud.




TheCoolerKing is excited for the great and once again dominant, Wanderlei Silva!

The SG community is no stranger to the works of Chuck Palahniuk. The term "Suicide Girl," after all, is credited to one of Palahniuk's books, Survivor. "Thank God someone has benefited from the Internet," Palahniuk said of SG. "It's not just eBay and Amazon. Somebody has made a name that's not just monetary but a cultural icon."

Cultural icon has a nice ring to it, and surely Palahniuk himself falls into the same category. For the generation that came of age and entered adulthood during Fight Club's choke hold on popular culture in the late '90s, the book was a sounding board for everything we hated about middle class complacency. It was more than a book, it was a call to arms, inspiring a whole new crop of Marla Singers and Tyler Durdens.

But for those already deep within the pages of Palahniuk's world before Brad Pitt entered into the equation, books like Survivor and Invisible Monsters were the cult favorites we devoured with an insatiable curiosity for the disturbing, twisted lives Palahniuk brought to print.

After the success that David Fincher's film adaptation of Fight Club brought Palahniuk in 1999, the author went on to release Choke (2001), Lullaby (2002), Diary (2003), Haunted (2005), and Rant (2007) to mixed reviews. Some loved 'em, some hated 'em, but certainly no one could ignore them.

Palahniuk's newest offering, Snuff, is of a pornographic nature and hits shelves May 20.

According to Random House, Inc:

To get you in the mood, the fine folks over at Palahniuk's official site have released a new promo video for the book.

Some of you already have the Snuff release date marked on your calendar. For the others, what do you think about the "under-acknowledged presence of pornography in contemporary life"?

Oh no! A massive, planet-wide catastrophic event has crippled society. And, look, over there, here comes another massive, planet-wide catastrophic event! I hope it doesn't cripple society too! Oh shit, it did? Ghah...

Not since the twin artistic triumphs of first Deep Impact and then Armageddon have two similarly themed movies gone head to head at the box office. Well, not exactly head to head. What's the phrase for when one person goes, they keep score, and then the other person goes? Well, that's what happened in '98, and what's happening here.

The major difference being, these movies don't look atrocious. First out of the gate, the Mark Walberg starring, M. Night Shyamalan directed, The Happening.



Perhaps the most unrealistic aspect of the trailer happens in the opening seconds when Wahlberg mentions having read something in The New York Times. Highly unlikely. I guess we can rule out him using a Method Acting technique. Do puff pieces on yourself and the sports page count?

I picture the first take, "I was eating The New York Times today--" CUT! M. Night pulling him aside, "Mark, actually, you read papers, you read them, okay? You don't eat them. Ready to try it again?"

To sum up the trailer, some sort of biological attack ruins life for the rest of us. This being an M. Night film, I'm going to take a few stabs at guessing the twist ending.

- The attacks aren't actually happening on Earth, but rather, Earth 2. A planet nearly indistinguishable from ours in every way but one: in that world, Mark Wahlberg doesn't get to be in movies. He really is an obscure grade school teacher. Nice place, I bet.

- People aren't really dying, they're sleeping, and will soon wake up refreshed and revitalized, with a cure for society's ills and a new appreciation for Lady in the Water.

- It's a dream. In a dream. The end is just quick cut of 50 people waking up in a cold sweat, finally stopping at a golden robot in the year 3089 who then gets up and eats breakfast. This robot, of course, is played by M. Night.

This looks good, and I do like Night's previous films, but c'mon -- if you can point to one believable, well delivered Wahlberg-line in that entire trailer I'll eat my Unbreakable DVD.

Next up, Blindness starring Juliane Moore. Based on my second favorite book of all-time, Blindness. Written by the top-notch, none can compare genius that is Jose Saramago. Yeah, I'm a big fan, so this is definitely a biased take on the trailer. And as is the case with people who like a book perhaps a bit too much and then have to wade through an hour and a half long movie version, I'm kinda nervous.

Do I risk tarnishing the memory of the book? Will I not be able to reread the book withought picturing Ms. Moore and that super-handsome dude from that other thing I can't think of? I know people say, "Relax, just enjoy the movie as a separate thing," but it doesn't always work like that. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is a phenomenal book, but when I think about it, I can't help but picture McMurphy as the in-no-way large or intimidating Jack Nicholson.

Ignore it completely? That seems impossible, too. Fucking choices... they really stink.

Here it is:



It does look good. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say there's no way it can match the book.

So many questions. Which disaster movie starring people who were in Boogie Nights will America choose? Are people sick of M. Night? What would suck worse, blindness or having Mark Wahlberg as your teacher? Who knows, I'm just glad Saramago's The Cave is safe. No one's fucking making a movie about an old man's gentle reluctance to move into a shitty mall-complex.




TheCoolerKing is the shittiest driver in Liberty City

Bill Cosby is making a hip-hop album. That was the seemingly insane story months ago and I recall it being mentioned here with some amusement. However, as it turns out, he doesn't actually rap on the album. Ghah! Damn you, music gods! Why must you be so fickle! How dare you tease then not deliver such an atrocious bounty!

Cosby merely produces the album because, in his words:

While Bill rapping as Bill would've been a delightful trainwreck, I sincerely believe Bill rapping as Fat Albert had a twenty-percent shot of being legit good.

This close call caused me to think of other atrocious rap-missteps. Not of the intentional, overly played and unfunny, "rapping granny" variety... but sincere, heartfelt attempts to step into the genre.

Who better to start with than Gwyneth Paltrow? Perhaps the only context so unbelievable as to force you to ask the question, "That Gwyneth Paltrow?" Yes.

Sure, like Bill she doesn't actually rap, and rather, sang the chorus. But on the other hand, she's fuckin' Gwyneth Paltrow! Onstage. With Jay-Z. Making music.

I'll second the "historic" part. When you've got Gwyneth-fucking-Paltrow performing at a Jay-Z concert and she isn't even the least credible person on stage, you've got something epic. Fucking Coldplay guy? Was Michael Buble not around? Why not just a giant vagina statue that sheds tears loudly? They're all around the same spot on the testosterone-meter, right?

Moving down the list... or up? I can't tell which direction we're going. Let's just say, moving along. We find the following offering from Dee Dee Ramone. Is this made worse due to the Ramones' rock dominance? Or worse? Again, who can tell?

At least the prior two had connections to making music (Paltrow sang in a movie) and/or played instruments. The next guy did not. (Please, no jokes about the skin flute.) Yes, it's Ron Jeremy's hip-hop album, titled Unwrapped. He only appears to rap on two tracks, though worry not, the majority of the rest of them appear to be written about his penis and are performed by other rappers. Sort of odd, considering the much documented homophobia of the rap world. Despite looking, I wasn't able to find a sample. However, I'm going to assume after a second or two of him rapping you'll be begging for the now, relatively pleasant sounds of him grunting his way through a money-shot.

Next, we have a guy who plays a "rapper pro-wrestler" character deciding to go one further and make a rap album. His piledriver was more legit and Hillbilly Jim had more street cred, but that didn't stop WWE's John Cena from engaging in the following fake rap battle. Really, don't even bother clicking, it's just gonna ruin your next ten minutes...

Finally, we have the ill-advised rap debut from Axl Rose himself, off of Use Your Illusion II... an album otherwise pretty awesome. Here's a YouTube clip, somehow, made no worse at all by the presence of a generic Internet weirdo singing along.

Looks like we're 0 for five, and likely worse, as I've probably missed many terrible examples of this inane sub-genre. Let this be a warning, and let's let this trend end here.




TheCoolerKing is New York bound

The A-Team was my favorite prime time show growing up. More action packed than "Knight Rider", less lame super-copter based than "Air-Wolf" and, unfortunately, less immediately canceled than "Manimal".

The show had, in all likelihood, the greatest theme song/opening credit sequence of the '80s. It explained the premise, shot up a logo with bullets and then gave you 15 explosions.

It featured one of the coolest variations on the rag-tag yet somehow super elite fighting force, certainly one of the best ever on TV.

And, I'll say this, the show kinda holds up. I don't mean in some ironic way, either.

Every single episode followed the following formula, and it worked like a charm: Innocents are preyed upon by bad men. Innocents reach out to mythical crack commando squad, only to meet a dead end but, aha! actually the dead end was their leader in disguise. Commando squad humbles bad men, then gets trapped by bad men in a room fully stocked with items that are easily turned into weapons. Commandos defeat bad guys and narrowly evade the one-step-behind US government.

The bad men reached across all genres, too. Small-time mobsters, cattle barons, drug dealers, evil tow truck companies, Asian mobsters, farmers, etc. Everything short of space aliens.

A highlight for me would be the inevitable point when B.A. Baracus (Mr. T!), the muscle of the group, would square off against the opposing team's equally beefed-up thug. It would usually be a guy who closely resembled B.A. body-wise but was another ethnicity. Or another black guy but sans mohawk. Giant muscled Asian guy, giant muscled redneck, giant muscled samoan guy...

This fellow was usually introduced when "Face" or "Murduck" would attempt to take him on, after dispatching many lesser foes, only to hurt their hand on his barrel chest. At which point B.A. would step in and the real fight would begin. Often culminating in another show trademark, the from below, slow-motion shot of a man being hurled through the air and, typically, into a window.

Now all that glorious magic is back:

Were this Michael Bay or some similar shitheel I'd be concerned but John Singleton of Boyz n the Hood could do a top-notch job here. With the right cast. Here's the way I think it should go.

The A-Team

John "Hannibal" Smith - The team's calm, super-cool leader, a brilliant tactician, colonel and master of disguise. That's right, only a master could play both an unconvincing elderly Asian man and climb into a Godzilla costume. Played by the great George Pepard.

Who it should be: George Clooney (who was once rumored to be involved) or Nathan Fillion... And just a second ago I had a flash of a prime Tommy Lee Jones doing an impossibly amazing job...

Who they'll get: Tough to say, hopefully Clooney


Templeton Peck aka "Faceman" Handsome, fast talking, con man with a way with the ladies. Often given demanding missions along the lines of "procuring a jet engine from a deserted farmhouse" which he'd accomplish by donning fake glasses and kissing a girl.

Who it should be: "Sawyer" from LOST seems obvious, probably because he's a con man, but he's fictional so it might be hard to get him. Jude Law if he did this kind of film. I'm tempted to say Brad Pitt, but I'll go with Matthew McConaughey.

Who they'll get: Vince Vaughn


B.A. Baracus The muscle. The guy who kicks most of the asses as well as the resident mechanic. I mean, we've all seen Mr.T, right? Like that.

Who it should be: Ice Cube has been rumored for this part but I don't like it. He's awesome but too old, too small. I thought about former Cube co-star Terry Crewes, but he's a bit too comic. I'll go with the the sleek, scaled down bad-assery of Gbenga Akinnagbe aka Chris Partlow from The Wire. Whoa.

Who they'll get: This dude in a "fake muscles" t-shirt.


"Howling Mad" Murdock The literally insane "wildman" who also provided pilot duties. Played by Dwight Schulz, who still seems to turn up on things.

Who it should be: James Callis (Baltar) from Battlestar Galactica. Cause he'd be great and because it'd be nice to have someone from a version of Battlestar in both versions of the A-Team. Or maybe Will Arnett.

Who they'll get: Adrien Brody or Jim Carrey





Yes, like you, TheCoolerKing loves it when a plan comes together

Why did those seven castaways spend 15 years on that uncharted desert isle? Maybe they were too stoned to give up finding new uses for coconuts.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...

The actress was arrested in her home state of Idaho back on October 18th, while on her way home from a surprise birthday party. Wells had been pulled over by party-pooping Teton County Deputy Joseph Gutierrez, who noticed the tiny ship, uh, car was doing a little swerving.

What a buzzkill, huh? He must've been a fan of I Dream of Jeannie.

Now, back to the title of this little celebrity cannabis number...

Why the "Part 2," you ask? Because of the link between this story, Wells and the "extracurricular activities" of Gilligan himself, the late Bob Denver.

Jeez, first Moses, now Mary Ann...who will end up third in the SG Newswire Drug Story Trifecta? My money's on Thomas Edison. You'd have to be on something to come up with the light bulb. You heard it here first, kids.

thefreak always prefered Mary Ann over Ginger, despite his love of redheads. The fact she's a fan of the ganja pretty much clinches it.

The release of the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull trailer this week was greeted with mild interest, excitement, and ultimately, disappointment... from me. Early script problem rumors aside it seems they may have taken too long to make this latest installment. Way too long. I hope the "coming up with the title part" wasn't what delayed them because if it was, they honestly could've used a bit more time.

Hunting for some crystal sculpture? Sounds like an excursion to my mother's dust-filled living room. Perhaps next time (please, no next time) Indy can hunt for a Franklin Mint, commemorative Elvis plate.

The implausibilty of Indy bouncing around (yeah, I know they mock his age, but it doesn't quite work) caused me to think about just how implausible it was, by comparison, to other aging heroes of the cinema.

(note: character's age is the oldest it was while portraying that character)

John Rambo: Rambo franchise
Actor's Age: 61
Character's Age: 60
Having a character tied to a specific war which we can use to gauge age certainly limits your prospects for ignoring time's passage. There's a reason Iron Man, in the new film, is presented as a Gulf War vet as opposed to one from Vietnam as was originally the case.

In spite of that limitation, Stallone still throws the weights around regularly and despite some odd, uh, "Hollywood-ized" portions of his face, still looks like a bad-ass.

It doesn't strike me as unrealistic that he could wield rocket launchers and guns against bad guys while taking cover in the jungle. Well, no more unrealistic than it did in his prime. The fact that Rambo probably "juices" makes this all the more possible.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Rocky Balboa: Rocky franchise
Actor's Age: 58
Character's Age: 59
The whole Rocky comeback thing seemed ridiculous until George Foreman came out of retirement to pummel the heavyweight champion of the world at the age of 45. Still, the idea that the Nevada State Athletic Commisson would sanction even an exhibition match between the current champ and a 59-year-old faded legend, without even one tune-up fight, is insane.

The idea that he'd acquit himself well, isn't that crazy. The heavyweight division is slightly better now then it was a few years ago, but it's still a horrid mess. Part of me thinks the George Foreman of today would have a decent shot of KO-ing this useless goliath. Is Foreman a better fighter, pound for pound, than Rocky Balboa? Is a prime Clubber Lang? Could Rock have destroyed Joe Frazier, as Foreman did? The answers are, of course, no, no and yes.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Terminator (T-800 model)
Actor's Age: 60
Character's Age: It's a robot. (7 kilojewels? 54 parsecs? who knows?)
The Terminator is, as we all know, a cyborg. Though different actual cyborgs appear in each film, the "model" is the same. And yet, somehow, the character in Terminator 3 seems to be suffering the effects of aging found most commonly in Earth humans... Hmm, curious. However the jacked-up Arnold looked close enough to the original (when clad in trademark leather jacket and glasses) to make an effective killing machine. And he could walk just as stiffly then as he did in his prime.

If he ever again appears in the role they better come up with some "computer virus" excuse for why he looks like a 60 year old man but, so far, so believable.

DIVE ROLLS - 4/5


James Bond: Never Say Never Again
Actor's Age: 53
Character's Age: unknown
This movie had some flaws but Connery's age wasn't one of them. It's the only (unofficial) Bond film that I can recall addressing his age. Bond comes out out retirement to pull off a mission eerily similar to his first. Maybe it's a Connery thing, cause I was able to suspend disbelief even as recently as the horrid Entrapment. Buying Connery as a 69-year-old cat burglar was far easier than attempting to buy Catherine Zeta-Jones as an actress. Maybe it was all the slimming, black, cat burglar suits?

Bond at his current age might be a stretch but I'd pay good money to see him appear as the villain in the next 007 installment.

DIVE ROLLS - 4/5


John McClane: Live Free or Die Hard
Actor's Age: 52
Character's Age: unknown (let's say 52?)
Action Hero Note: If you're an aging action character back for one last score, and have the option to inject some fresh blood into your act by shaving off your receding hairline, do it. A tanned, bald head apparently takes a few years off. McClane still looks good. Maybe it's the "everyman" factor of the character. The fact that he never looked great to begin with. I'd see another Die Hard installment between now and his 56th birthday. Fifty-seven, if he finds something else to shave off.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Ralph "Papa" Thorson (Steve McQueen): The Hunter
Actor's Age: 50
Character's Age: unknown
Not a classic film, I know. More memorable for being McQueen's last, than anything else. And it's not a horrible movie. (He does get to hang out with a visor-less Geordi La Forge. Or, if you'd prefer, a book-less, "guy from Reading Rainbow.") But McQueen looks tired and not that excited about things and rightfully so, as he was battling cancer throughout the filming. That eliminates age as the culprit, as I've no doubt a healthier McQueen would've done more here. Of course, I've still seen this movie at least six times.

DIVE ROLLS - 2/5


William Munny: Unforgiven
Actor's Age: 62
Character's Age: unknown
Not technically an action film though it does address the topic here as Eastwood is an aging action star portraying an aging "action character." The verdict? This movie is flawless and his age is a non-factor for three reasons

1) He's supposed to be old and behaves accordingly. He's a bad shot, at first.

2) While he is shooting and killing younger men he isn't doing so while also somersaulting through a plate glass window, sliding across a bar, and simultaneously killing more than six people. Though the constraints of the time period are partially the reason, at no point does he dangle from a helicopter while kicking bad guys.

3) He's Clint Eastwood.

DIVE ROLLS - 5/5


Blade: Blade franchise
Actor's Age: 45
Character's Age: unknown (Are vampires on the same calendar as us?)
Fourty-five is pretty young, Snipes has some (apparently jail-free) years in front of him. Despite the presence of a junior-team of Vamp slayers intended to take over for him in the last Blade film, he did okay. There may've been less spin-kicking, I can't recall. Since the character's half-vamp and therefore, half immortal, he could keep up the killing for as long as he's physically able.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


James Braddock (Chuck Norris): Missing in Action franchise
Actor's Age: 48 (during the last MIA film)
Character's Age: unknown (but like Rambo, a Vietnam vet. I'm sure I could mock up an approx age range but, would that really enhance this piece?)
What would an action movie star round-up be without Chuck Norris!?(Answer: slightly more A-list... and slightly less Hucka-bish)

I've seen all three "Braddock" films and the only thing I can remember about any of them is the scene where a burlap sack containing a rat is placed and tied over Braddock's head. After much "flailing about" the bag is removed to reveal... a dead rat! In Braddock's mouth! The movie should've ended there. Sequels could've been done with other animals in place of the rat. I guess he looked okay for 48 but I casn't see ranking it higher than the other movies on this list.

DIVE ROLLS - 1/5


Indiana Jones: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Actor's Age: 66
Character's Age: unknown
From the trailer we see that he's jumping, whipping and elbowing baddies much as he did in prior installments. Raiders...was perfect, Temple... was decent and Crusade... was fun. This one looks kind of stale. He looks tired. The jokes seem not as fresh as you'd like and well, crystal skulls, man... I'm holding out hope that it proves me wrong but I'm not sure I see it. As of this moment.

DIVE ROLLS - 1/5






TheCoolerKing did stand-up in front of a Cylon! Life ain't so bad...

Yes, it's not just wishful thinking. According to this recent and widely reported article, the gloriously dysfunctional Bluth famliy that introduced us to the "never nude" is back. Chocolate-dipped, frozen banana stands, Segway treks and ambitiously amateur street illusions gone awry ... It's not just back, but it's tempting the silver screen.

Other people like...

And, maybe, for the two or three of you who feel the show ran its course, said all it needed to say and that anything more would be an amalgamated bit of excess, there's this:

Amazing. That is easily the best news I've heard all week. (Sorry "newborn son," that's just how I feel. Maybe some day you'll be able to give me the joy and laughter that that show delivered for three seasons... but, let's be honest, that's pretty unlikely.)

More than amazing, that news has entered into legit, "too good to be true" territory. And yet, there it is, in print, with quotes and everything. Part of me just wants to "wait" for the movie. Do nothing but sit there and pine for the impending wave of incredible. An overreaction, you might say, if this were a conversation. Well, can you think of better entertainment related news? I tried to, and in spite of the initial, head-exploding factor I managed to tamp down, here's what I came up with.

Things That Come Close to Being as Exciting as the News of an Arrested Development Movie

-- The announcement of a new show consisting of nothing but Dennis Farina punching people in the face. Specifically, Dennis enters a bare room, walks over to the chair, then punches the person seated in the chair. Maybe 10 of these per show? I bet they could even work out some sort of product placement for different chairs. Dennis punching Jon Cryer on a Barcalounger! Dennis decking the guy from "Survivor" on a folding chair! Dennis clobbering this fellow on a lyre-backed dining chair!

-- Carlos Mencia getting deported. Ahh, the sweet, sweet irony. "Carlos" finally forced to reveal his non-Mexican lineage, yelling in vain about actually being a German/Honduran, whose name is actually Ned Holness...

-- "The Wire" getting another season... and then another... One more, after that, who's up for it? Infinity?

-- Jay Leno's upcoming retirement. Actually, the week before his retirement, for him to suffer the same fate "cops in movies" suffer the week before theirs. No, not death, merely a hospital stay that invigorates some new hotshot out to avenge him, coupled with the utterance of the phrase, "I'm getting too old for this shit."

-- The announcement of no more "Bud Light: Real Men of Genius" ads. Let's be honest, making piss-poor swill for undemanding types to suck down during happy hour is a full-time job. Stick to it, and leave the warmed over comedy to Jay Leno. (Not technically entertainment news but, they seem to find themselves pretty entertaining, so they're on the list.)

Things Equal in Excitement to the News of an Arrested Development Movie

-- A "Deadwood" movie. Or, at the very least, the two HBO movies we were promised.

-- Joss Whedon getting a new show. A show which is (not to get greedy) actually promoted and then aired in the correct order.

-- The WGA strike ending. This one looks close to happening. At last.

However, make note: The fact that this happened (is happening?) should not in any way increase your hope of the prior entrant in this category also happening. The odds are still less than those of Floyd Mayweather ever fighting someone with a pulse.

-- The part of my brain that retains the memory of Juno, getting plucked out by a skilled and covered-by-my-insurance surgeon. He then uses that brain sliver to clone a beast that will seek out and destroy the ridiculously named screenwriter responsible, preferable before she can write so much as a grocery list. (A list no doubt filled with vintage Mr. T cereal and neon shoe-laces. Hah!) He will not record her last "quirky, deadpan" reference. Perhaps something hilarious involving Conrad Bain! And M.A.S.H. notes! And remember that other thing!)

Things Greater in Excitement to the News of an Arrested Development Movie

-- The ghosts of Steve McQueen and Lee Marvin coming back from the dead to, um, make more movies, fight robots and crime and um... also, uh, shit, I'm blanking... Er, yell at terrorists and, like, hang out and shit!

--Nothing else.



TheCoolerKing is proud to celebrate his 17th SG reference to Mr. Lee Marvin

Ok, you see this? This is Meet The Spartans.



This needs to stop. Like, right fucking now!

The genre of Parody/Slapstick movies has gone from my absolute favorite to most despised. More so than musicals. It's a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions. The entire world would be mourning if they knew what was good for them.

Top Secret? Hot Shots? UHF? Naked Gun? Spaceballs? These movies are as brilliant as they are timeless and I'm hard pressed to find anybody that disagrees with me.

And just so we're all clear here, I work for a company that deals heavily with the movie industry. (So do 16 year old Blockbuster clerks. What's your point?) I see things. I know things. These movies? They suck. This isn't an opinion either. I know, it totally sounds like one, but you'll have to trust me. This is science we're dealing with. Bad science.

Now, these two douchebags (Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer) have somehow gained a monopoly on the entire genre. Their combined lack of understanding of the craft is equivalent to 3 Uwe Bolls! THREE!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!

You can even tell from the moment the preview pops up that it's the same crack team of knuckleheads! I'm convinced that they're one of those weird anomalies that fell upwards in Hollywood, starting off as some executive's genital scrubber. It's not just the "______ Movie" titles, but it's this weird subliminal veil of shit over the camera lens that gives it away the moment I see it. Thats the best way I can explain it. If you handed me a random production still, I would tell you it's a "Retarded Movie" and then crush your facial bones with the other hand.

Team America is the only recent example I can think of, love it or hate it, that got the point of making fun of big budget action films. Even though there's really never been a live action movie about an American-Based Global Police Force, it was just like 90% of every big budget action film from the last 25 years. Their cookie cutter "female interest," the machismo soundtrack and overly-reluctant hero are just some examples how you can make fun of movies that haven't even been green lit yet.

And if you're going to make a parody of a particular movie, get into it. Deconstruct the shit out of it. Don't just fling satirical poo at anything that crawled through the box office. Pick a target and maim it like a Roman Lion!

Kentucky Fried Movie was actually brilliant enough to play the best of both worlds. They tackled late 70s pop culture with disjointed sketches that SNL wished they could do and then crammed a short, but complete parody of Enter The Dragon into the middle of it.



UHF took on TV in the late 80s using a low-budget station willing to do anything. The Naked Gun took on Cop Dramas/Noir. Austen Powers nabbed not just Bond movies, but all the crazy French Spy flicks and even The Prisoner for Pete's sake! And none of them are held down by timely gags centered around Nike Commercials or 6th place American Idol contestants. NONE!!

Gah, my brain hurts already. Just do me a favor and DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE!!! Don't even download it! In the meantime, I'm going to sleep, where my non sequitur dreams have better jokes.

OctEgon isn't really sure what to put down here at the bottom, but noticed that all the other articles had some witty remark, so consider this his.

"What do you want to get out of Scientology?"

That's what the guy sitting across the chintzy Formica table from me wanted to know.

“Ummm…”

Seven days earlier I'd seen the same insane footage you had. Tom Cruise laying out what Scientology means to him in a soon-to-be-banned indoctrination video. It was everywhere, even parodied by former SG columnist Jon Kesselman. After multiple viewings I was able to discern this much.

1) We can safely say, Tom's "pro-Scientology." Oh yeah. Maybe you thought the connections were overblown, exaggerated even. Nope. He loves the shit out of Scientology. Loves it like you love, well, probably nothing. Maybe drugs.

2) Scientologists are just as into acronyms as the rest of us. If there’s any common ground, at all, to be found among E-meter using, Suppressive Person hating Scientologists and the rest of us fun-loving thetan-filled jerks it’s that we all enjoy shortening our words into catchy sequences of letters. It’s fun, rewarding, and probably saves time once people have got ‘em down. That’s gotta be worth something, right? “We’re not so different, you and I… Oh, what’s that? You guys believe… Oh. Heh, okay, TCB!”

3) Sometimes the above statement will be followed up with a “whooshing airplane sound.” Possibly this plane is piloted by John Travolta.

4) Scientology can be summed up with the assessment, “You’re either doing it, or you’re not.” You may have noticed that this is something Scientology shares with every other activity on the planet. Also, Tom claims to be able to tell if you’re actually doing it, or not. Not unlike the messy room I grew up in. I could either clean it or not, but I wasn’t going outside until I did. Similar to Tom, my mother knew whether I’d really cleaned or just piled stuff in the closet. Stuff I didn’t want found. Or found out. Cough.

Here are some highlights:

Midway through my planned snide remark I realized, “Shit, I think I kinda remember hearing about him saving people from some accident a while back.” That scrapped that cheap shot. For him. But where the hell’s Jenna Elfman been? I haven’t seen her so much as helping change a flat-tire on the Cahuenga Pass. Travolta? Lady from "Cheers"? Maybe a little less Scientology, and a little more Try-entology, huh, guys.

Tom, I’m a little unclear on that “not onboard, onboard” part, can we go over it one more time?

Also, “putting your ethics in someone,” is that an outpatient procedure? What if I’m not sure where someone’s ethics have been, but he IS a Scientologist, is this still something you’d recommend or…

You can call yourself anything you like but I’ve found that the most effective authorities are the ones actually recognized by someone, um, not included in the “authority.”

And, also, I’m sorry, you’re the authority on drugs… AND the mind? And rehabbing criminals? I’d be more inclined to believe you if you just picked one thing. It’s like this restaurant near me that claims to have the best burgers… hot dogs… chicken and seafood on the west coast. I’d have let “hot dog” slide but, yeah you’re overreaching just a bit with that other stuff. Especially considering you’re located inside an old railcar on the Sunset Strip.

He goes on, and there are newer leaked clips around, one, notable for the ill-advised, possibly criminal line “Why ask permission? We are the authorities.” But I think we get the gist. Sure, I enjoy snarkily writing jokes that shit on someone’s misguided beliefs as much as the next guy, but, this time I felt like going slightly further. This is bigger than the typical asinine news story and maybe it required something beyond just reading something. Which brings me to the opening line, delivered by my new Scientological pal, at the headquarters of Scientology conveniently located on L. Ron Hubbard Drive.

The electronic billboard out front offers a “Free Personality Test,” between flashes touting the worldwide to-date sales of Dianetics. (More than 10.) I wasn’t sure what to expect. Wall to wall drones frantically covering sacred texts as I walked through the glass doors seemed a bit much, but I had to at least take a look, right? Maybe they had something? Maybe something worthwhile? Could I honestly say, one way or the other, without having gone down there firsthand to experience it? The answer is, of course, yes, I could’ve, but I went to the trouble anyway.

People flit about in oddly nautical attire, white-shirt adorned with the shoulder decorations of a Princess Cruise veteran. I asked about taking the free test and they led me to a mostly empty classroom, walls crammed with various charts and photos of prior successes. A dumpy, middle-aged fellow made his way through the test. Two hundred questions including the following:

1) Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which you later regret?

(Wow, it’s like they could see into the future!)

2) Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?

(A question no doubt included to placate the “world’s most boring Scientologist,” who’s looking to make a few pen pals.)

98) Would you use corporal punishment on a child, aged ten, if it refused to obey you?

(If I told “it” once, I told it a thousand times, stay out of daddy’s secret drawer.)

I answered the questions as honestly as possible, though some were perhaps intentionally vague. I was told to wait in the lobby after the test’s completion, while they analyzed my score. The receptionist broke up her occasional iPhoning to tell me, “It would only be a few more minutes.” (iPhone? What, no Hubbardyne 6000?)

Several awkward, and yes, seemingly haze-covered people entered and exited. Then “Ruben” beckoned me into a depressingly office-like cubicle. (Where’s the burnished steel? The moon rock?) The ultimate how-full-of-shit-are-they conclusion rested on my results.

My scores were all over the map, though with several firmly in the “Attention Urgent” category. His analysis? “You sometimes get frustrated when you put things off, only to discover that it’s now to late to do them …” This seemed incredibly insightful until I recalled checking the “+” box next to the question reading “Do you sometimes put things off, and then realize it’s too late to do them.”

Similar to his conclusion that I often “find myself going off in many directions at once.” Which is exactly the way the question I marked “yes” to, read. (as indicated again, by a plus sign) On the off chance I wasn’t following, he then proceeded to draw a circle representing “me,” and added “arrows” indicating “me going off in many directions.” If only there was a box I could check indicating, I understood what words meant, and don’t often require diagrams when not defusing bombs. Another analysis/consulting-of-the-answer-I-gave-earlier resulted in yet another diagram. This one: an “X” representing me, next to a line blocking me from a scribble representing my “goal.” Nice. Finally, after several free movie screening offers, a request for me to purchase a book and, “if I was in a hurry to get there,” classes, the question came…

"What do you want to get out of Scientology?"

“I think I’ve got it, thanks”*




* Actually, I hemmed and hawed, then said I “wasn’t sure.” I also admitted my biggest problem was laziness which, thankfully, he didn’t respond to with a crudely drawn diagram of me sitting in a recliner eating a sandwich

Who likes paying taxes? Not me. I bet you don't as well. But what do we do about it? Not a thing. Unless you count whining as "doing something." You do? Look, we're really getting off topic here...

You know who doesn't like taxes and doesn't do nothing about it? That's right, the originator of a foolproof gambling strategy known for paying off a staggering fifty percent of the time, Wesley Snipes.

I've no doubt Wesley does plenty of things we don't. Third-tier actresses, direct-to-video movies, and, quite possibly, time. None of those are as impressive as the stunt that might land him there. The US Governent comes to him and ask for the money he owes them and he not only says "no" but goes on to state, "Actually, YOU OWE ME MONEY. Millions of dollars, in fact, and I'm here to collect."

That's likes some unholy offspring of "balls" and "stupidity" they cook up in a lab somewhere using a test tube, tweezers, and a Barry White CD. I'm guessing you pick it up on the black market (the only place Passenger 57 shops) and then inject it directly into your spine. Wesley's body is like 43% that shit.

Okay, he didn't actually say it, his actions did, but tell me that doesn't sound like every Wesley Snipes character ever. I think he really thinks he's a Snipes' character. I don't see any other explanation.

I'm not saying this isn't true, that there might not be a long lost, legally binding interpretation of a loophole forgotten by all... but if there was, is it really likely that the man bringing it to our attention would be WESLEY SNIPES?

A school teacher years from now standing in front of the Wesley Snipes' statue on the lawn of the White House. "That's right, kids, this great man starred in both Jungle Fever and White Men Can't Jump before going on to free the people of our land from the tyranny of paying taxes!"

"Then he cured my cancer with his breath and made gold fall from the sky... which, actually, injured many, many people. Most of them ended up only breaking even, after the medical costs... but live and learn, I never said he was perfect! "

Again, another example of how one Mr. Snipes differs from you and I. It's almost staggering, the lack of similarity. I'd have replied to my accountant, "Oh, okay. Heh, guess that was stupid. No millions for me then, is that what you're saying? Cool."

There's no transcript here (And why Snipes doesn't travel with a 24 hour on-duty court reporter is beyond me, and potentially one of the greatest oversights of the '90s.) but I'd bet anything his response was a terse, "Well... then file it again." even though, as we both can see, that's not in any way a response to the accountant's statement. It kinda even doesn't make sense.

I'm an idiot and know next to nothing of the law, but even I can see that this sounds... um, not so great.

I'm going to again bet that if we had the documents Snipes submitted in front of us, we wouldn't find a single "question mark" on them. But, good luck.

I'm torn. We've had celebs in jail before, but not an "action hero." This third act could be nuts. US government vs. Wesley Snipes... Let's find out. It's bound to be better than Undisputed.


TheCoolerKing still enjoys the shit out of the first Blade movie. And 2 was cool, also. I guess... I mean, "he guesses."

Will Smith, America's next top Scientologist, is in the news because of some comments he made to a Scottish reporter about Adolf Hitler. (Why are celebrities discussing Hitler in their press junkets?)

Okay, the "reprogramming" comment sounds a little bit like Scientology. We know that Smith and Tom Cruise are buddies and that in order to be a friend of Cruise you at least have to look down the rabbit hole.

Before I go on with my original point, let me stop here. "Don't know nothing?" "How you gonna not know nothing…?" Will Smith, those questions, posed in the double negative, have plagued many seekers for years. Thanks for bringing them up. I personally don’t know how I'm not gonna know nothing about no Scientology and still attack somebody - it's not not dangerous and ignorant, that's not not for sure.

But bad grammar and friendships founded on brainwash aside, I'm actually here to defend Will Smith a tiny bit.

Many groups are up in arms about Will's comments.

I see their point. Imagine that at your shitty public school, the Holocaust is no longer part of the curriculum. Imagine that you only seem to hear about the Holocaust when celebrities are interviewed for their press junkets. (Again, why?) Imagine that Will Smith talks of a heady concept of getting into the origins of evil in a one-sentence sound bite which almost, humanizes Hitler so much that you never get to fully absorb the atrocity that his regime caused. The concept that all people are basically born good is a little too mature for young minds (and apparently older minds too who are freaking out about his comments.)

Will Smith should avoid pontificating about Hitler's intentions when doing press junkets but what he said isn't completely off-base from a psychological (sorry Scientologists, we know you don’t approve of it) standpoint. Most evil is really the result of fear and ignorance and some diabolical need to control.

Most world religions do tip-toe around the idea that (unfortunately) God loves everybody, from the organic farmer to the dictator. We don’t know if there is Heaven or Hell or God or anything. Evil humans might be "born" evil. Evil humans might pay for their sins in some kind of afterlife scenario. Evil humans may just die with no consequence to their soul. Evil humans might be reincarnated into a tapeworm. We don’t know but it's always interesting to turn over in our minds but let's save that for when we're drunk, high, or writing a college paper, not in the press.


But I think Will was trying to have a semi-philosophical discussion around the fact that the origin of evil or evil-doing might not always be in the front lobe of the evil-doers conscience. I think it is important to think about what might have stopped Hitler - perhaps we can use it to stop the obliteration of democracy in our own countries. I do think it is irresponsible to think of what might have stopped Hitler in terms of his personal daily mental health regime. Of course we can psychoanalyze Hitler to death and popular culture has attempted this many times, but what is more important is to look at what the apathetic people who fell under his spell - allowing him to come to power.

Will did eventually try to explain away his statement:

I think Will Smith's biggest mistakes here are:

1.) Trying to have a philosophical discussion with a reporter about the mind of a man who commits genocide.

2.) Hanging out with Tom Cruise and rehashing that sophomoric argument that 'all religions are basically messed up fairy tales so what's wrong with Scientology?'

I don’t see what good it's going to do to have Barack Obama come to the rescue or for the masses to boycott I Am Legend. It seems like Will Smith is just another victim of Tom Cruise's web of influence. Let's all say a prayer to Xenu that this thetan will come around eventually and be the everyman we once loved.

SuicideGirls' Top Ten Films of 2007

By Ryan Stewart


It was a crowded, cut-throat year in which audiences were ready to say good riddance to entire subgenres of film -- good luck in 2008, torture porn and Iraq-guilt movies! -- as well as a year in which the increasing omnipresence of a cohesive, online movie media and the rapidly-shrinking, theater-DVD window began to radically change old ways of distributing and marketing films. In this atmosphere of uncertainty it was, surprisingly, the old lions of cinema who made the biggest collective stand, delivering several well-crafted films of singular vision that echoed the most daring work of their early years. Directors such as Paul Verhoeven, William Friedkin and Tim Burton were firing on all cylinders in 2007, while younger filmmakers such as Joe Wright and Paul Thomas Anderson continued to establish themselves as the masters of today's generation. Wright especially, with only two films under his belt, is showing himself to be as preternaturally skilled in the art of filmmaking as Stanley Kubrick.

It was a poor year for actresses -- Oscar bean-counters are scratching their heads over who deserves accolades -- and a bad year for counting on audiences to indulge risk-taking, as the makers of Grindhouse found out. It was an exceptional year for Westerns, as is any year in which more than one is actually released. It was also a year that christened many new stars in front of the camera and behind -- Diablo Cody, Carice van Houten and Tim Olyphant were among those who burst onto the main stage in 2007 and are unlikely to leave it. Creating a list that recognizes the best of the best in this year's movies is no easy task. But here goes...



1. Atonement

A single word, unimaginably dirty and out of place for upper-crust 1935 England, accidentally enters the mind of an innocent child and together, the word and the child form a virus that wrecks several lives. Thirty five-year-old Joe Wright has created an unlikely masterwork from Ian McEwan's acclaimed, complex novel about a little girl's mistake that causes a chain reaction of tragedy and leaves her with a lifetime of overwhelming shame and a powerful urge to put things right again, in any way possible. Wright's ice-cold precision as a filmmaker, his deliberate and attention-grabbing shot compositions and his innate understanding of how to move and even gut-punch an audience make him one of the most formidable directors of his generation. Atonement is the best screen romance since David Lean's 1945 classic Brief Encounter.


2. Black Book

Paul Verhoeven's childhood experiences of war were followed by a lifetime lost in the dreams of cinema, and those two seas of memory come crashing together in the Dutch master's very best movie. I call it a movie deliberately -- with echoes of John Sturges and a dozen other influences, this is a smashing, thrilling adventure story about a Jewish girl in Nazi-occupied Holland who comes to realize that safety is only for those who join the resistance. Her black hair dyed platinum blonde, her fear swallowed, Rachel transforms herself into a Nazi bed-hopper and a daring spy. Carice van Houten is, at the very least, the find of the decade -- she may be the best new face since Garbo. Note that this small film was enough to land her her next two projects, starring opposite Tom Cruise in Valkyrie and Leo DiCaprio in Body of Lies. She's the real deal.


3. There Will Be Blood

During a candid moment late in this film, early California oilman Daniel Plainview expresses his personal philosophy, "I don't like most people. I want to earn enough money to get away from them." It's that last part, the implied promise that once he has his own security, he'll go away and stop siphoning off the resources of the poor and the credulous, that somehow sets him up as possibly morally superior to his religious alter-ego, Eli Sunday, a shameless evangelical charlatan with no such insights into his own black heart. Two of America's founding lynchpins, big business and big religion, are treated to their own masterfully-observed dual biopics in this, a huge but welcome departure for cinematic showman and iconoclast P.T. Anderson. The childish quarrel between Plainview and Sunday over who is the more righteous conman gets more depressing and soul-sucking by the minute and before it's all over, see title.


4. Days of Darkness

The sexual fantasies of men, a subject often mined for comedy in the movies, is given a serious and thorough examination in Days of Darkness. This incredible French-Canadian film comes from Denys Arcand and follows a Walter Mitty type in his late 40s whose declining libido and increasingly chaotic fantasy life seem to portend the coming of old age and death. Is the tendency to fantasize a kind of inborn optimism -- a method of constantly visualizing best-case scenarios? When elaborate sexual fantasies can no longer bloom in the mind, when there's no longer an ideal for a man to seek out (in vain or not) is that nature's way of telling him it's time to die? This film certainly thinks so. Days of Darkness has serious things to say about growing old, the boundaries of make-believe, resigning yourself to reality, and what constitutes happiness -- it's a must-see for serious film lovers.


5. Bug

There have been movies before about two people who were "wrong for each other" but not like this. Agnes, a small-town waitress who has been emotionally frozen since her son disappeared out of a grocery cart years ago, has the cosmically bad luck to run into Peter, a drifter who turns out to be a psychically damaged drug fiend with yarns to spin about military experiments gone awry and complaints of bugs crawling beneath his skin. Somehow these two people unlock the deepest self of each other, and they pass one lonesome night by doing drugs and trading sad stories, all while an underlying tension hums ever louder. William Friedkin's Bug offers amazing insights into how emotional vulnerability can impair judgment and make you participate in another person's delusions. Ashley Judd, always something of a green-screen actress without the green-screen, finds her perfect niche here as a woman who walks around blind to reality.


6. The Nines

This clever little magician's box of a movie, unfairly overlooked on its opening, was made for a song but entertains more than any ten blockbusters. A meditation on the nature of reality set in the land of unreality, L.A., the film honeycombs its way through three overlapping and intersecting stories, each starring Ryan Reynolds as a different character -- a popular actor, a reality TV showrunner and a video game developer -- all of them struggling through a personal crisis. Also, each of these characters may ultimately be the same character, in the sense of being a vessel for a mischievous God who is body-hopping in order to get a ground-level view of what the hell is happening on Earth, to the consternation of two opposing angels. There's also a conspiracy involving koala bears who control the planet's weather, but I need to see it again before I get that deep into it.


7. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Andrew Dominik's strange and beautifully sleepy hagiography of notorious outlaw Jesse James contains some of Brad Pitt's best work. Portraying James at a hard-lived 34 years, with greasy black hair and the penetrating eyes of a snake, Pitt gives a performance that sometimes borders on the anachronistic -- I doubt Jesse James exhibited that peculiarly modern strain of anti-social madness -- but the character works on its own level, as an object of simultaneous revulsion and adulation for the spindly loser Robert Ford, a third-tier hanger-on who ultimately shoots James from behind while he's dusting a picture on the wall. A late scene, of Ford and his equally worthless brother Charley earing a living by enacting the assassination on stage for the public, takes on chilling dimensions when the dead Jesse James seems to somehow move the spirit of Charley towards not wanting to play the victim any more.


8. It's a Free World

Everyone has the right to earn a living, right? Ken Loach's excellent London-based drama shoots holes in that assertion from multiple vantage points. Angie, a 33-year-old with a child to feed and a start-up employment agency business that she's intensely proud of, begins to find it impossible to resist the increasing pressure from competitors to funnel illegal immigrants to her clients. They're dirt cheap, maximally exploitable, and uneducated -- not passing them on to the factory bosses who employ her starts to smack of overlooking first-round draft-picks. But who is exploiting who? And why does the law overlook Angie's actions and the actions of those who end up exploiting her? It's a Free World deftly explores a subject on which society is still profoundly of two minds. Watch for the scene where Angie is confronted by a crowd of ripped-off workers -- is she screaming at them, "It's all sorted!" or "It's all sordid!" ?


9. Sweeney Todd

Remember Tim Burton? He was the filmmaker who, before disappearing into the wilderness of the studio system for 15 years, made Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and Edward Scissorhands, two films that viewed adulthood itself as a perversion to be mocked and mocked hard with a child's self-righteous, mean-spirited anger. That climactic, jarring-as-hell moment in Scissorhands in which a stabbing occurs -- that's the real Tim Burton. Well, he's back. Sweeney Todd, the ghoulish, almost Elizabethan musical about a London barber hell-bent on grisly revenge for spending his youth in prison on a false charge, could have been candy-appled by Burton (I'm sure Paramount was expecting that) but something about the demon barber awoke the demon in Burton and in this film he uncorks his deepest and most personal filmmaking instincts, both visual and dramatic ones, that haven't been seen on screen since Wino Forever was Winona Forever.


10. Death Proof

It used to be said of Oliver Stone that although he was capable of making bad films, he was incapable of making boring ones. We found out that wasn't true with Alexander, but the maxim still holds true when applied to Quentin Tarantino. No Tarantino film has ever been anything less than exhilarating eyeball-glue and Death Proof is no different. It's a pity that Tarantino's latest arrived handcuffed to a boring Robert Rodriguez zombie picture, but the marketplace took less than six months to sort out that mistake. Half stalker-horror and half revenge-empowerment, with a coat of Tarantino's trademark conversation-heavy scripting over everything, it all combines to create a uniquely weird movie in which both the good guys and bad guys seem to make life and death choices based on how their movie heroes might do it. This film also re-confirms that Tarantino is in the top tier of action directors.


Honorable Mentions: No Country for Old Men, The Girl in the Park, The Bourne Ultimatum, 3:10 to Yuma, Right at Your Door, Lake of Fire, You're Gonna Miss Me, This is England, The Page Turner, Chrysalis.