The SG community is no stranger to the works of Chuck Palahniuk. The term "Suicide Girl," after all, is credited to one of Palahniuk's books, Survivor. "Thank God someone has benefited from the Internet," Palahniuk said of SG. "It's not just eBay and Amazon. Somebody has made a name that's not just monetary but a cultural icon."

Cultural icon has a nice ring to it, and surely Palahniuk himself falls into the same category. For the generation that came of age and entered adulthood during Fight Club's choke hold on popular culture in the late '90s, the book was a sounding board for everything we hated about middle class complacency. It was more than a book, it was a call to arms, inspiring a whole new crop of Marla Singers and Tyler Durdens.

But for those already deep within the pages of Palahniuk's world before Brad Pitt entered into the equation, books like Survivor and Invisible Monsters were the cult favorites we devoured with an insatiable curiosity for the disturbing, twisted lives Palahniuk brought to print.

After the success that David Fincher's film adaptation of Fight Club brought Palahniuk in 1999, the author went on to release Choke (2001), Lullaby (2002), Diary (2003), Haunted (2005), and Rant (2007) to mixed reviews. Some loved 'em, some hated 'em, but certainly no one could ignore them.

Palahniuk's newest offering, Snuff, is of a pornographic nature and hits shelves May 20.

According to Random House, Inc:

To get you in the mood, the fine folks over at Palahniuk's official site have released a new promo video for the book.

Some of you already have the Snuff release date marked on your calendar. For the others, what do you think about the "under-acknowledged presence of pornography in contemporary life"?

Oh no! A massive, planet-wide catastrophic event has crippled society. And, look, over there, here comes another massive, planet-wide catastrophic event! I hope it doesn't cripple society too! Oh shit, it did? Ghah...

Not since the twin artistic triumphs of first Deep Impact and then Armageddon have two similarly themed movies gone head to head at the box office. Well, not exactly head to head. What's the phrase for when one person goes, they keep score, and then the other person goes? Well, that's what happened in '98, and what's happening here.

The major difference being, these movies don't look atrocious. First out of the gate, the Mark Walberg starring, M. Night Shyamalan directed, The Happening.



Perhaps the most unrealistic aspect of the trailer happens in the opening seconds when Wahlberg mentions having read something in The New York Times. Highly unlikely. I guess we can rule out him using a Method Acting technique. Do puff pieces on yourself and the sports page count?

I picture the first take, "I was eating The New York Times today--" CUT! M. Night pulling him aside, "Mark, actually, you read papers, you read them, okay? You don't eat them. Ready to try it again?"

To sum up the trailer, some sort of biological attack ruins life for the rest of us. This being an M. Night film, I'm going to take a few stabs at guessing the twist ending.

- The attacks aren't actually happening on Earth, but rather, Earth 2. A planet nearly indistinguishable from ours in every way but one: in that world, Mark Wahlberg doesn't get to be in movies. He really is an obscure grade school teacher. Nice place, I bet.

- People aren't really dying, they're sleeping, and will soon wake up refreshed and revitalized, with a cure for society's ills and a new appreciation for Lady in the Water.

- It's a dream. In a dream. The end is just quick cut of 50 people waking up in a cold sweat, finally stopping at a golden robot in the year 3089 who then gets up and eats breakfast. This robot, of course, is played by M. Night.

This looks good, and I do like Night's previous films, but c'mon -- if you can point to one believable, well delivered Wahlberg-line in that entire trailer I'll eat my Unbreakable DVD.

Next up, Blindness starring Juliane Moore. Based on my second favorite book of all-time, Blindness. Written by the top-notch, none can compare genius that is Jose Saramago. Yeah, I'm a big fan, so this is definitely a biased take on the trailer. And as is the case with people who like a book perhaps a bit too much and then have to wade through an hour and a half long movie version, I'm kinda nervous.

Do I risk tarnishing the memory of the book? Will I not be able to reread the book withought picturing Ms. Moore and that super-handsome dude from that other thing I can't think of? I know people say, "Relax, just enjoy the movie as a separate thing," but it doesn't always work like that. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is a phenomenal book, but when I think about it, I can't help but picture McMurphy as the in-no-way large or intimidating Jack Nicholson.

Ignore it completely? That seems impossible, too. Fucking choices... they really stink.

Here it is:



It does look good. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say there's no way it can match the book.

So many questions. Which disaster movie starring people who were in Boogie Nights will America choose? Are people sick of M. Night? What would suck worse, blindness or having Mark Wahlberg as your teacher? Who knows, I'm just glad Saramago's The Cave is safe. No one's fucking making a movie about an old man's gentle reluctance to move into a shitty mall-complex.




TheCoolerKing is the shittiest driver in Liberty City

Bill Cosby is making a hip-hop album. That was the seemingly insane story months ago and I recall it being mentioned here with some amusement. However, as it turns out, he doesn't actually rap on the album. Ghah! Damn you, music gods! Why must you be so fickle! How dare you tease then not deliver such an atrocious bounty!

Cosby merely produces the album because, in his words:

While Bill rapping as Bill would've been a delightful trainwreck, I sincerely believe Bill rapping as Fat Albert had a twenty-percent shot of being legit good.

This close call caused me to think of other atrocious rap-missteps. Not of the intentional, overly played and unfunny, "rapping granny" variety... but sincere, heartfelt attempts to step into the genre.

Who better to start with than Gwyneth Paltrow? Perhaps the only context so unbelievable as to force you to ask the question, "That Gwyneth Paltrow?" Yes.

Sure, like Bill she doesn't actually rap, and rather, sang the chorus. But on the other hand, she's fuckin' Gwyneth Paltrow! Onstage. With Jay-Z. Making music.

I'll second the "historic" part. When you've got Gwyneth-fucking-Paltrow performing at a Jay-Z concert and she isn't even the least credible person on stage, you've got something epic. Fucking Coldplay guy? Was Michael Buble not around? Why not just a giant vagina statue that sheds tears loudly? They're all around the same spot on the testosterone-meter, right?

Moving down the list... or up? I can't tell which direction we're going. Let's just say, moving along. We find the following offering from Dee Dee Ramone. Is this made worse due to the Ramones' rock dominance? Or worse? Again, who can tell?

At least the prior two had connections to making music (Paltrow sang in a movie) and/or played instruments. The next guy did not. (Please, no jokes about the skin flute.) Yes, it's Ron Jeremy's hip-hop album, titled Unwrapped. He only appears to rap on two tracks, though worry not, the majority of the rest of them appear to be written about his penis and are performed by other rappers. Sort of odd, considering the much documented homophobia of the rap world. Despite looking, I wasn't able to find a sample. However, I'm going to assume after a second or two of him rapping you'll be begging for the now, relatively pleasant sounds of him grunting his way through a money-shot.

Next, we have a guy who plays a "rapper pro-wrestler" character deciding to go one further and make a rap album. His piledriver was more legit and Hillbilly Jim had more street cred, but that didn't stop WWE's John Cena from engaging in the following fake rap battle. Really, don't even bother clicking, it's just gonna ruin your next ten minutes...

Finally, we have the ill-advised rap debut from Axl Rose himself, off of Use Your Illusion II... an album otherwise pretty awesome. Here's a YouTube clip, somehow, made no worse at all by the presence of a generic Internet weirdo singing along.

Looks like we're 0 for five, and likely worse, as I've probably missed many terrible examples of this inane sub-genre. Let this be a warning, and let's let this trend end here.




TheCoolerKing is New York bound

The A-Team was my favorite prime time show growing up. More action packed than "Knight Rider", less lame super-copter based than "Air-Wolf" and, unfortunately, less immediately canceled than "Manimal".

The show had, in all likelihood, the greatest theme song/opening credit sequence of the '80s. It explained the premise, shot up a logo with bullets and then gave you 15 explosions.

It featured one of the coolest variations on the rag-tag yet somehow super elite fighting force, certainly one of the best ever on TV.

And, I'll say this, the show kinda holds up. I don't mean in some ironic way, either.

Every single episode followed the following formula, and it worked like a charm: Innocents are preyed upon by bad men. Innocents reach out to mythical crack commando squad, only to meet a dead end but, aha! actually the dead end was their leader in disguise. Commando squad humbles bad men, then gets trapped by bad men in a room fully stocked with items that are easily turned into weapons. Commandos defeat bad guys and narrowly evade the one-step-behind US government.

The bad men reached across all genres, too. Small-time mobsters, cattle barons, drug dealers, evil tow truck companies, Asian mobsters, farmers, etc. Everything short of space aliens.

A highlight for me would be the inevitable point when B.A. Baracus (Mr. T!), the muscle of the group, would square off against the opposing team's equally beefed-up thug. It would usually be a guy who closely resembled B.A. body-wise but was another ethnicity. Or another black guy but sans mohawk. Giant muscled Asian guy, giant muscled redneck, giant muscled samoan guy...

This fellow was usually introduced when "Face" or "Murduck" would attempt to take him on, after dispatching many lesser foes, only to hurt their hand on his barrel chest. At which point B.A. would step in and the real fight would begin. Often culminating in another show trademark, the from below, slow-motion shot of a man being hurled through the air and, typically, into a window.

Now all that glorious magic is back:

Were this Michael Bay or some similar shitheel I'd be concerned but John Singleton of Boyz n the Hood could do a top-notch job here. With the right cast. Here's the way I think it should go.

The A-Team

John "Hannibal" Smith - The team's calm, super-cool leader, a brilliant tactician, colonel and master of disguise. That's right, only a master could play both an unconvincing elderly Asian man and climb into a Godzilla costume. Played by the great George Pepard.

Who it should be: George Clooney (who was once rumored to be involved) or Nathan Fillion... And just a second ago I had a flash of a prime Tommy Lee Jones doing an impossibly amazing job...

Who they'll get: Tough to say, hopefully Clooney


Templeton Peck aka "Faceman" Handsome, fast talking, con man with a way with the ladies. Often given demanding missions along the lines of "procuring a jet engine from a deserted farmhouse" which he'd accomplish by donning fake glasses and kissing a girl.

Who it should be: "Sawyer" from LOST seems obvious, probably because he's a con man, but he's fictional so it might be hard to get him. Jude Law if he did this kind of film. I'm tempted to say Brad Pitt, but I'll go with Matthew McConaughey.

Who they'll get: Vince Vaughn


B.A. Baracus The muscle. The guy who kicks most of the asses as well as the resident mechanic. I mean, we've all seen Mr.T, right? Like that.

Who it should be: Ice Cube has been rumored for this part but I don't like it. He's awesome but too old, too small. I thought about former Cube co-star Terry Crewes, but he's a bit too comic. I'll go with the the sleek, scaled down bad-assery of Gbenga Akinnagbe aka Chris Partlow from The Wire. Whoa.

Who they'll get: This dude in a "fake muscles" t-shirt.


"Howling Mad" Murdock The literally insane "wildman" who also provided pilot duties. Played by Dwight Schulz, who still seems to turn up on things.

Who it should be: James Callis (Baltar) from Battlestar Galactica. Cause he'd be great and because it'd be nice to have someone from a version of Battlestar in both versions of the A-Team. Or maybe Will Arnett.

Who they'll get: Adrien Brody or Jim Carrey





Yes, like you, TheCoolerKing loves it when a plan comes together

Why did those seven castaways spend 15 years on that uncharted desert isle? Maybe they were too stoned to give up finding new uses for coconuts.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...

The actress was arrested in her home state of Idaho back on October 18th, while on her way home from a surprise birthday party. Wells had been pulled over by party-pooping Teton County Deputy Joseph Gutierrez, who noticed the tiny ship, uh, car was doing a little swerving.

What a buzzkill, huh? He must've been a fan of I Dream of Jeannie.

Now, back to the title of this little celebrity cannabis number...

Why the "Part 2," you ask? Because of the link between this story, Wells and the "extracurricular activities" of Gilligan himself, the late Bob Denver.

Jeez, first Moses, now Mary Ann...who will end up third in the SG Newswire Drug Story Trifecta? My money's on Thomas Edison. You'd have to be on something to come up with the light bulb. You heard it here first, kids.

thefreak always prefered Mary Ann over Ginger, despite his love of redheads. The fact she's a fan of the ganja pretty much clinches it.

The release of the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull trailer this week was greeted with mild interest, excitement, and ultimately, disappointment... from me. Early script problem rumors aside it seems they may have taken too long to make this latest installment. Way too long. I hope the "coming up with the title part" wasn't what delayed them because if it was, they honestly could've used a bit more time.

Hunting for some crystal sculpture? Sounds like an excursion to my mother's dust-filled living room. Perhaps next time (please, no next time) Indy can hunt for a Franklin Mint, commemorative Elvis plate.

The implausibilty of Indy bouncing around (yeah, I know they mock his age, but it doesn't quite work) caused me to think about just how implausible it was, by comparison, to other aging heroes of the cinema.

(note: character's age is the oldest it was while portraying that character)

John Rambo: Rambo franchise
Actor's Age: 61
Character's Age: 60
Having a character tied to a specific war which we can use to gauge age certainly limits your prospects for ignoring time's passage. There's a reason Iron Man, in the new film, is presented as a Gulf War vet as opposed to one from Vietnam as was originally the case.

In spite of that limitation, Stallone still throws the weights around regularly and despite some odd, uh, "Hollywood-ized" portions of his face, still looks like a bad-ass.

It doesn't strike me as unrealistic that he could wield rocket launchers and guns against bad guys while taking cover in the jungle. Well, no more unrealistic than it did in his prime. The fact that Rambo probably "juices" makes this all the more possible.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Rocky Balboa: Rocky franchise
Actor's Age: 58
Character's Age: 59
The whole Rocky comeback thing seemed ridiculous until George Foreman came out of retirement to pummel the heavyweight champion of the world at the age of 45. Still, the idea that the Nevada State Athletic Commisson would sanction even an exhibition match between the current champ and a 59-year-old faded legend, without even one tune-up fight, is insane.

The idea that he'd acquit himself well, isn't that crazy. The heavyweight division is slightly better now then it was a few years ago, but it's still a horrid mess. Part of me thinks the George Foreman of today would have a decent shot of KO-ing this useless goliath. Is Foreman a better fighter, pound for pound, than Rocky Balboa? Is a prime Clubber Lang? Could Rock have destroyed Joe Frazier, as Foreman did? The answers are, of course, no, no and yes.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Terminator (T-800 model)
Actor's Age: 60
Character's Age: It's a robot. (7 kilojewels? 54 parsecs? who knows?)
The Terminator is, as we all know, a cyborg. Though different actual cyborgs appear in each film, the "model" is the same. And yet, somehow, the character in Terminator 3 seems to be suffering the effects of aging found most commonly in Earth humans... Hmm, curious. However the jacked-up Arnold looked close enough to the original (when clad in trademark leather jacket and glasses) to make an effective killing machine. And he could walk just as stiffly then as he did in his prime.

If he ever again appears in the role they better come up with some "computer virus" excuse for why he looks like a 60 year old man but, so far, so believable.

DIVE ROLLS - 4/5


James Bond: Never Say Never Again
Actor's Age: 53
Character's Age: unknown
This movie had some flaws but Connery's age wasn't one of them. It's the only (unofficial) Bond film that I can recall addressing his age. Bond comes out out retirement to pull off a mission eerily similar to his first. Maybe it's a Connery thing, cause I was able to suspend disbelief even as recently as the horrid Entrapment. Buying Connery as a 69-year-old cat burglar was far easier than attempting to buy Catherine Zeta-Jones as an actress. Maybe it was all the slimming, black, cat burglar suits?

Bond at his current age might be a stretch but I'd pay good money to see him appear as the villain in the next 007 installment.

DIVE ROLLS - 4/5


John McClane: Live Free or Die Hard
Actor's Age: 52
Character's Age: unknown (let's say 52?)
Action Hero Note: If you're an aging action character back for one last score, and have the option to inject some fresh blood into your act by shaving off your receding hairline, do it. A tanned, bald head apparently takes a few years off. McClane still looks good. Maybe it's the "everyman" factor of the character. The fact that he never looked great to begin with. I'd see another Die Hard installment between now and his 56th birthday. Fifty-seven, if he finds something else to shave off.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Ralph "Papa" Thorson (Steve McQueen): The Hunter
Actor's Age: 50
Character's Age: unknown
Not a classic film, I know. More memorable for being McQueen's last, than anything else. And it's not a horrible movie. (He does get to hang out with a visor-less Geordi La Forge. Or, if you'd prefer, a book-less, "guy from Reading Rainbow.") But McQueen looks tired and not that excited about things and rightfully so, as he was battling cancer throughout the filming. That eliminates age as the culprit, as I've no doubt a healthier McQueen would've done more here. Of course, I've still seen this movie at least six times.

DIVE ROLLS - 2/5


William Munny: Unforgiven
Actor's Age: 62
Character's Age: unknown
Not technically an action film though it does address the topic here as Eastwood is an aging action star portraying an aging "action character." The verdict? This movie is flawless and his age is a non-factor for three reasons

1) He's supposed to be old and behaves accordingly. He's a bad shot, at first.

2) While he is shooting and killing younger men he isn't doing so while also somersaulting through a plate glass window, sliding across a bar, and simultaneously killing more than six people. Though the constraints of the time period are partially the reason, at no point does he dangle from a helicopter while kicking bad guys.

3) He's Clint Eastwood.

DIVE ROLLS - 5/5


Blade: Blade franchise
Actor's Age: 45
Character's Age: unknown (Are vampires on the same calendar as us?)
Fourty-five is pretty young, Snipes has some (apparently jail-free) years in front of him. Despite the presence of a junior-team of Vamp slayers intended to take over for him in the last Blade film, he did okay. There may've been less spin-kicking, I can't recall. Since the character's half-vamp and therefore, half immortal, he could keep up the killing for as long as he's physically able.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


James Braddock (Chuck Norris): Missing in Action franchise
Actor's Age: 48 (during the last MIA film)
Character's Age: unknown (but like Rambo, a Vietnam vet. I'm sure I could mock up an approx age range but, would that really enhance this piece?)
What would an action movie star round-up be without Chuck Norris!?(Answer: slightly more A-list... and slightly less Hucka-bish)

I've seen all three "Braddock" films and the only thing I can remember about any of them is the scene where a burlap sack containing a rat is placed and tied over Braddock's head. After much "flailing about" the bag is removed to reveal... a dead rat! In Braddock's mouth! The movie should've ended there. Sequels could've been done with other animals in place of the rat. I guess he looked okay for 48 but I casn't see ranking it higher than the other movies on this list.

DIVE ROLLS - 1/5


Indiana Jones: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Actor's Age: 66
Character's Age: unknown
From the trailer we see that he's jumping, whipping and elbowing baddies much as he did in prior installments. Raiders...was perfect, Temple... was decent and Crusade... was fun. This one looks kind of stale. He looks tired. The jokes seem not as fresh as you'd like and well, crystal skulls, man... I'm holding out hope that it proves me wrong but I'm not sure I see it. As of this moment.

DIVE ROLLS - 1/5






TheCoolerKing did stand-up in front of a Cylon! Life ain't so bad...

Yes, it's not just wishful thinking. According to this recent and widely reported article, the gloriously dysfunctional Bluth famliy that introduced us to the "never nude" is back. Chocolate-dipped, frozen banana stands, Segway treks and ambitiously amateur street illusions gone awry ... It's not just back, but it's tempting the silver screen.

Other people like...

And, maybe, for the two or three of you who feel the show ran its course, said all it needed to say and that anything more would be an amalgamated bit of excess, there's this:

Amazing. That is easily the best news I've heard all week. (Sorry "newborn son," that's just how I feel. Maybe some day you'll be able to give me the joy and laughter that that show delivered for three seasons... but, let's be honest, that's pretty unlikely.)

More than amazing, that news has entered into legit, "too good to be true" territory. And yet, there it is, in print, with quotes and everything. Part of me just wants to "wait" for the movie. Do nothing but sit there and pine for the impending wave of incredible. An overreaction, you might say, if this were a conversation. Well, can you think of better entertainment related news? I tried to, and in spite of the initial, head-exploding factor I managed to tamp down, here's what I came up with.

Things That Come Close to Being as Exciting as the News of an Arrested Development Movie

-- The announcement of a new show consisting of nothing but Dennis Farina punching people in the face. Specifically, Dennis enters a bare room, walks over to the chair, then punches the person seated in the chair. Maybe 10 of these per show? I bet they could even work out some sort of product placement for different chairs. Dennis punching Jon Cryer on a Barcalounger! Dennis decking the guy from "Survivor" on a folding chair! Dennis clobbering this fellow on a lyre-backed dining chair!

-- Carlos Mencia getting deported. Ahh, the sweet, sweet irony. "Carlos" finally forced to reveal his non-Mexican lineage, yelling in vain about actually being a German/Honduran, whose name is actually Ned Holness...

-- "The Wire" getting another season... and then another... One more, after that, who's up for it? Infinity?

-- Jay Leno's upcoming retirement. Actually, the week before his retirement, for him to suffer the same fate "cops in movies" suffer the week before theirs. No, not death, merely a hospital stay that invigorates some new hotshot out to avenge him, coupled with the utterance of the phrase, "I'm getting too old for this shit."

-- The announcement of no more "Bud Light: Real Men of Genius" ads. Let's be honest, making piss-poor swill for undemanding types to suck down during happy hour is a full-time job. Stick to it, and leave the warmed over comedy to Jay Leno. (Not technically entertainment news but, they seem to find themselves pretty entertaining, so they're on the list.)

Things Equal in Excitement to the News of an Arrested Development Movie

-- A "Deadwood" movie. Or, at the very least, the two HBO movies we were promised.

-- Joss Whedon getting a new show. A show which is (not to get greedy) actually promoted and then aired in the correct order.

-- The WGA strike ending. This one looks close to happening. At last.

However, make note: The fact that this happened (is happening?) should not in any way increase your hope of the prior entrant in this category also happening. The odds are still less than those of Floyd Mayweather ever fighting someone with a pulse.

-- The part of my brain that retains the memory of Juno, getting plucked out by a skilled and covered-by-my-insurance surgeon. He then uses that brain sliver to clone a beast that will seek out and destroy the ridiculously named screenwriter responsible, preferable before she can write so much as a grocery list. (A list no doubt filled with vintage Mr. T cereal and neon shoe-laces. Hah!) He will not record her last "quirky, deadpan" reference. Perhaps something hilarious involving Conrad Bain! And M.A.S.H. notes! And remember that other thing!)

Things Greater in Excitement to the News of an Arrested Development Movie

-- The ghosts of Steve McQueen and Lee Marvin coming back from the dead to, um, make more movies, fight robots and crime and um... also, uh, shit, I'm blanking... Er, yell at terrorists and, like, hang out and shit!

--Nothing else.



TheCoolerKing is proud to celebrate his 17th SG reference to Mr. Lee Marvin

Ok, you see this? This is Meet The Spartans.



This needs to stop. Like, right fucking now!

The genre of Parody/Slapstick movies has gone from my absolute favorite to most despised. More so than musicals. It's a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions. The entire world would be mourning if they knew what was good for them.

Top Secret? Hot Shots? UHF? Naked Gun? Spaceballs? These movies are as brilliant as they are timeless and I'm hard pressed to find anybody that disagrees with me.

And just so we're all clear here, I work for a company that deals heavily with the movie industry. (So do 16 year old Blockbuster clerks. What's your point?) I see things. I know things. These movies? They suck. This isn't an opinion either. I know, it totally sounds like one, but you'll have to trust me. This is science we're dealing with. Bad science.

Now, these two douchebags (Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer) have somehow gained a monopoly on the entire genre. Their combined lack of understanding of the craft is equivalent to 3 Uwe Bolls! THREE!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!

You can even tell from the moment the preview pops up that it's the same crack team of knuckleheads! I'm convinced that they're one of those weird anomalies that fell upwards in Hollywood, starting off as some executive's genital scrubber. It's not just the "______ Movie" titles, but it's this weird subliminal veil of shit over the camera lens that gives it away the moment I see it. Thats the best way I can explain it. If you handed me a random production still, I would tell you it's a "Retarded Movie" and then crush your facial bones with the other hand.

Team America is the only recent example I can think of, love it or hate it, that got the point of making fun of big budget action films. Even though there's really never been a live action movie about an American-Based Global Police Force, it was just like 90% of every big budget action film from the last 25 years. Their cookie cutter "female interest," the machismo soundtrack and overly-reluctant hero are just some examples how you can make fun of movies that haven't even been green lit yet.

And if you're going to make a parody of a particular movie, get into it. Deconstruct the shit out of it. Don't just fling satirical poo at anything that crawled through the box office. Pick a target and maim it like a Roman Lion!

Kentucky Fried Movie was actually brilliant enough to play the best of both worlds. They tackled late 70s pop culture with disjointed sketches that SNL wished they could do and then crammed a short, but complete parody of Enter The Dragon into the middle of it.



UHF took on TV in the late 80s using a low-budget station willing to do anything. The Naked Gun took on Cop Dramas/Noir. Austen Powers nabbed not just Bond movies, but all the crazy French Spy flicks and even The Prisoner for Pete's sake! And none of them are held down by timely gags centered around Nike Commercials or 6th place American Idol contestants. NONE!!

Gah, my brain hurts already. Just do me a favor and DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE!!! Don't even download it! In the meantime, I'm going to sleep, where my non sequitur dreams have better jokes.

OctEgon isn't really sure what to put down here at the bottom, but noticed that all the other articles had some witty remark, so consider this his.

"What do you want to get out of Scientology?"

That's what the guy sitting across the chintzy Formica table from me wanted to know.

“Ummm…”

Seven days earlier I'd seen the same insane footage you had. Tom Cruise laying out what Scientology means to him in a soon-to-be-banned indoctrination video. It was everywhere, even parodied by former SG columnist Jon Kesselman. After multiple viewings I was able to discern this much.

1) We can safely say, Tom's "pro-Scientology." Oh yeah. Maybe you thought the connections were overblown, exaggerated even. Nope. He loves the shit out of Scientology. Loves it like you love, well, probably nothing. Maybe drugs.

2) Scientologists are just as into acronyms as the rest of us. If there’s any common ground, at all, to be found among E-meter using, Suppressive Person hating Scientologists and the rest of us fun-loving thetan-filled jerks it’s that we all enjoy shortening our words into catchy sequences of letters. It’s fun, rewarding, and probably saves time once people have got ‘em down. That’s gotta be worth something, right? “We’re not so different, you and I… Oh, what’s that? You guys believe… Oh. Heh, okay, TCB!”

3) Sometimes the above statement will be followed up with a “whooshing airplane sound.” Possibly this plane is piloted by John Travolta.

4) Scientology can be summed up with the assessment, “You’re either doing it, or you’re not.” You may have noticed that this is something Scientology shares with every other activity on the planet. Also, Tom claims to be able to tell if you’re actually doing it, or not. Not unlike the messy room I grew up in. I could either clean it or not, but I wasn’t going outside until I did. Similar to Tom, my mother knew whether I’d really cleaned or just piled stuff in the closet. Stuff I didn’t want found. Or found out. Cough.

Here are some highlights:

Midway through my planned snide remark I realized, “Shit, I think I kinda remember hearing about him saving people from some accident a while back.” That scrapped that cheap shot. For him. But where the hell’s Jenna Elfman been? I haven’t seen her so much as helping change a flat-tire on the Cahuenga Pass. Travolta? Lady from "Cheers"? Maybe a little less Scientology, and a little more Try-entology, huh, guys.

Tom, I’m a little unclear on that “not onboard, onboard” part, can we go over it one more time?

Also, “putting your ethics in someone,” is that an outpatient procedure? What if I’m not sure where someone’s ethics have been, but he IS a Scientologist, is this still something you’d recommend or…

You can call yourself anything you like but I’ve found that the most effective authorities are the ones actually recognized by someone, um, not included in the “authority.”

And, also, I’m sorry, you’re the authority on drugs… AND the mind? And rehabbing criminals? I’d be more inclined to believe you if you just picked one thing. It’s like this restaurant near me that claims to have the best burgers… hot dogs… chicken and seafood on the west coast. I’d have let “hot dog” slide but, yeah you’re overreaching just a bit with that other stuff. Especially considering you’re located inside an old railcar on the Sunset Strip.

He goes on, and there are newer leaked clips around, one, notable for the ill-advised, possibly criminal line “Why ask permission? We are the authorities.” But I think we get the gist. Sure, I enjoy snarkily writing jokes that shit on someone’s misguided beliefs as much as the next guy, but, this time I felt like going slightly further. This is bigger than the typical asinine news story and maybe it required something beyond just reading something. Which brings me to the opening line, delivered by my new Scientological pal, at the headquarters of Scientology conveniently located on L. Ron Hubbard Drive.

The electronic billboard out front offers a “Free Personality Test,” between flashes touting the worldwide to-date sales of Dianetics. (More than 10.) I wasn’t sure what to expect. Wall to wall drones frantically covering sacred texts as I walked through the glass doors seemed a bit much, but I had to at least take a look, right? Maybe they had something? Maybe something worthwhile? Could I honestly say, one way or the other, without having gone down there firsthand to experience it? The answer is, of course, yes, I could’ve, but I went to the trouble anyway.

People flit about in oddly nautical attire, white-shirt adorned with the shoulder decorations of a Princess Cruise veteran. I asked about taking the free test and they led me to a mostly empty classroom, walls crammed with various charts and photos of prior successes. A dumpy, middle-aged fellow made his way through the test. Two hundred questions including the following:

1) Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which you later regret?

(Wow, it’s like they could see into the future!)

2) Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?

(A question no doubt included to placate the “world’s most boring Scientologist,” who’s looking to make a few pen pals.)

98) Would you use corporal punishment on a child, aged ten, if it refused to obey you?

(If I told “it” once, I told it a thousand times, stay out of daddy’s secret drawer.)

I answered the questions as honestly as possible, though some were perhaps intentionally vague. I was told to wait in the lobby after the test’s completion, while they analyzed my score. The receptionist broke up her occasional iPhoning to tell me, “It would only be a few more minutes.” (iPhone? What, no Hubbardyne 6000?)

Several awkward, and yes, seemingly haze-covered people entered and exited. Then “Ruben” beckoned me into a depressingly office-like cubicle. (Where’s the burnished steel? The moon rock?) The ultimate how-full-of-shit-are-they conclusion rested on my results.

My scores were all over the map, though with several firmly in the “Attention Urgent” category. His analysis? “You sometimes get frustrated when you put things off, only to discover that it’s now to late to do them …” This seemed incredibly insightful until I recalled checking the “+” box next to the question reading “Do you sometimes put things off, and then realize it’s too late to do them.”

Similar to his conclusion that I often “find myself going off in many directions at once.” Which is exactly the way the question I marked “yes” to, read. (as indicated again, by a plus sign) On the off chance I wasn’t following, he then proceeded to draw a circle representing “me,” and added “arrows” indicating “me going off in many directions.” If only there was a box I could check indicating, I understood what words meant, and don’t often require diagrams when not defusing bombs. Another analysis/consulting-of-the-answer-I-gave-earlier resulted in yet another diagram. This one: an “X” representing me, next to a line blocking me from a scribble representing my “goal.” Nice. Finally, after several free movie screening offers, a request for me to purchase a book and, “if I was in a hurry to get there,” classes, the question came…

"What do you want to get out of Scientology?"

“I think I’ve got it, thanks”*




* Actually, I hemmed and hawed, then said I “wasn’t sure.” I also admitted my biggest problem was laziness which, thankfully, he didn’t respond to with a crudely drawn diagram of me sitting in a recliner eating a sandwich

Who likes paying taxes? Not me. I bet you don't as well. But what do we do about it? Not a thing. Unless you count whining as "doing something." You do? Look, we're really getting off topic here...

You know who doesn't like taxes and doesn't do nothing about it? That's right, the originator of a foolproof gambling strategy known for paying off a staggering fifty percent of the time, Wesley Snipes.

I've no doubt Wesley does plenty of things we don't. Third-tier actresses, direct-to-video movies, and, quite possibly, time. None of those are as impressive as the stunt that might land him there. The US Governent comes to him and ask for the money he owes them and he not only says "no" but goes on to state, "Actually, YOU OWE ME MONEY. Millions of dollars, in fact, and I'm here to collect."

That's likes some unholy offspring of "balls" and "stupidity" they cook up in a lab somewhere using a test tube, tweezers, and a Barry White CD. I'm guessing you pick it up on the black market (the only place Passenger 57 shops) and then inject it directly into your spine. Wesley's body is like 43% that shit.

Okay, he didn't actually say it, his actions did, but tell me that doesn't sound like every Wesley Snipes character ever. I think he really thinks he's a Snipes' character. I don't see any other explanation.

I'm not saying this isn't true, that there might not be a long lost, legally binding interpretation of a loophole forgotten by all... but if there was, is it really likely that the man bringing it to our attention would be WESLEY SNIPES?

A school teacher years from now standing in front of the Wesley Snipes' statue on the lawn of the White House. "That's right, kids, this great man starred in both Jungle Fever and White Men Can't Jump before going on to free the people of our land from the tyranny of paying taxes!"

"Then he cured my cancer with his breath and made gold fall from the sky... which, actually, injured many, many people. Most of them ended up only breaking even, after the medical costs... but live and learn, I never said he was perfect! "

Again, another example of how one Mr. Snipes differs from you and I. It's almost staggering, the lack of similarity. I'd have replied to my accountant, "Oh, okay. Heh, guess that was stupid. No millions for me then, is that what you're saying? Cool."

There's no transcript here (And why Snipes doesn't travel with a 24 hour on-duty court reporter is beyond me, and potentially one of the greatest oversights of the '90s.) but I'd bet anything his response was a terse, "Well... then file it again." even though, as we both can see, that's not in any way a response to the accountant's statement. It kinda even doesn't make sense.

I'm an idiot and know next to nothing of the law, but even I can see that this sounds... um, not so great.

I'm going to again bet that if we had the documents Snipes submitted in front of us, we wouldn't find a single "question mark" on them. But, good luck.

I'm torn. We've had celebs in jail before, but not an "action hero." This third act could be nuts. US government vs. Wesley Snipes... Let's find out. It's bound to be better than Undisputed.


TheCoolerKing still enjoys the shit out of the first Blade movie. And 2 was cool, also. I guess... I mean, "he guesses."

Will Smith, America's next top Scientologist, is in the news because of some comments he made to a Scottish reporter about Adolf Hitler. (Why are celebrities discussing Hitler in their press junkets?)

Okay, the "reprogramming" comment sounds a little bit like Scientology. We know that Smith and Tom Cruise are buddies and that in order to be a friend of Cruise you at least have to look down the rabbit hole.

Before I go on with my original point, let me stop here. "Don't know nothing?" "How you gonna not know nothing…?" Will Smith, those questions, posed in the double negative, have plagued many seekers for years. Thanks for bringing them up. I personally don’t know how I'm not gonna know nothing about no Scientology and still attack somebody - it's not not dangerous and ignorant, that's not not for sure.

But bad grammar and friendships founded on brainwash aside, I'm actually here to defend Will Smith a tiny bit.

Many groups are up in arms about Will's comments.

I see their point. Imagine that at your shitty public school, the Holocaust is no longer part of the curriculum. Imagine that you only seem to hear about the Holocaust when celebrities are interviewed for their press junkets. (Again, why?) Imagine that Will Smith talks of a heady concept of getting into the origins of evil in a one-sentence sound bite which almost, humanizes Hitler so much that you never get to fully absorb the atrocity that his regime caused. The concept that all people are basically born good is a little too mature for young minds (and apparently older minds too who are freaking out about his comments.)

Will Smith should avoid pontificating about Hitler's intentions when doing press junkets but what he said isn't completely off-base from a psychological (sorry Scientologists, we know you don’t approve of it) standpoint. Most evil is really the result of fear and ignorance and some diabolical need to control.

Most world religions do tip-toe around the idea that (unfortunately) God loves everybody, from the organic farmer to the dictator. We don’t know if there is Heaven or Hell or God or anything. Evil humans might be "born" evil. Evil humans might pay for their sins in some kind of afterlife scenario. Evil humans may just die with no consequence to their soul. Evil humans might be reincarnated into a tapeworm. We don’t know but it's always interesting to turn over in our minds but let's save that for when we're drunk, high, or writing a college paper, not in the press.


But I think Will was trying to have a semi-philosophical discussion around the fact that the origin of evil or evil-doing might not always be in the front lobe of the evil-doers conscience. I think it is important to think about what might have stopped Hitler - perhaps we can use it to stop the obliteration of democracy in our own countries. I do think it is irresponsible to think of what might have stopped Hitler in terms of his personal daily mental health regime. Of course we can psychoanalyze Hitler to death and popular culture has attempted this many times, but what is more important is to look at what the apathetic people who fell under his spell - allowing him to come to power.

Will did eventually try to explain away his statement:

I think Will Smith's biggest mistakes here are:

1.) Trying to have a philosophical discussion with a reporter about the mind of a man who commits genocide.

2.) Hanging out with Tom Cruise and rehashing that sophomoric argument that 'all religions are basically messed up fairy tales so what's wrong with Scientology?'

I don’t see what good it's going to do to have Barack Obama come to the rescue or for the masses to boycott I Am Legend. It seems like Will Smith is just another victim of Tom Cruise's web of influence. Let's all say a prayer to Xenu that this thetan will come around eventually and be the everyman we once loved.

SuicideGirls' Top Ten Films of 2007

By Ryan Stewart


It was a crowded, cut-throat year in which audiences were ready to say good riddance to entire subgenres of film -- good luck in 2008, torture porn and Iraq-guilt movies! -- as well as a year in which the increasing omnipresence of a cohesive, online movie media and the rapidly-shrinking, theater-DVD window began to radically change old ways of distributing and marketing films. In this atmosphere of uncertainty it was, surprisingly, the old lions of cinema who made the biggest collective stand, delivering several well-crafted films of singular vision that echoed the most daring work of their early years. Directors such as Paul Verhoeven, William Friedkin and Tim Burton were firing on all cylinders in 2007, while younger filmmakers such as Joe Wright and Paul Thomas Anderson continued to establish themselves as the masters of today's generation. Wright especially, with only two films under his belt, is showing himself to be as preternaturally skilled in the art of filmmaking as Stanley Kubrick.

It was a poor year for actresses -- Oscar bean-counters are scratching their heads over who deserves accolades -- and a bad year for counting on audiences to indulge risk-taking, as the makers of Grindhouse found out. It was an exceptional year for Westerns, as is any year in which more than one is actually released. It was also a year that christened many new stars in front of the camera and behind -- Diablo Cody, Carice van Houten and Tim Olyphant were among those who burst onto the main stage in 2007 and are unlikely to leave it. Creating a list that recognizes the best of the best in this year's movies is no easy task. But here goes...



1. Atonement

A single word, unimaginably dirty and out of place for upper-crust 1935 England, accidentally enters the mind of an innocent child and together, the word and the child form a virus that wrecks several lives. Thirty five-year-old Joe Wright has created an unlikely masterwork from Ian McEwan's acclaimed, complex novel about a little girl's mistake that causes a chain reaction of tragedy and leaves her with a lifetime of overwhelming shame and a powerful urge to put things right again, in any way possible. Wright's ice-cold precision as a filmmaker, his deliberate and attention-grabbing shot compositions and his innate understanding of how to move and even gut-punch an audience make him one of the most formidable directors of his generation. Atonement is the best screen romance since David Lean's 1945 classic Brief Encounter.


2. Black Book

Paul Verhoeven's childhood experiences of war were followed by a lifetime lost in the dreams of cinema, and those two seas of memory come crashing together in the Dutch master's very best movie. I call it a movie deliberately -- with echoes of John Sturges and a dozen other influences, this is a smashing, thrilling adventure story about a Jewish girl in Nazi-occupied Holland who comes to realize that safety is only for those who join the resistance. Her black hair dyed platinum blonde, her fear swallowed, Rachel transforms herself into a Nazi bed-hopper and a daring spy. Carice van Houten is, at the very least, the find of the decade -- she may be the best new face since Garbo. Note that this small film was enough to land her her next two projects, starring opposite Tom Cruise in Valkyrie and Leo DiCaprio in Body of Lies. She's the real deal.


3. There Will Be Blood

During a candid moment late in this film, early California oilman Daniel Plainview expresses his personal philosophy, "I don't like most people. I want to earn enough money to get away from them." It's that last part, the implied promise that once he has his own security, he'll go away and stop siphoning off the resources of the poor and the credulous, that somehow sets him up as possibly morally superior to his religious alter-ego, Eli Sunday, a shameless evangelical charlatan with no such insights into his own black heart. Two of America's founding lynchpins, big business and big religion, are treated to their own masterfully-observed dual biopics in this, a huge but welcome departure for cinematic showman and iconoclast P.T. Anderson. The childish quarrel between Plainview and Sunday over who is the more righteous conman gets more depressing and soul-sucking by the minute and before it's all over, see title.


4. Days of Darkness

The sexual fantasies of men, a subject often mined for comedy in the movies, is given a serious and thorough examination in Days of Darkness. This incredible French-Canadian film comes from Denys Arcand and follows a Walter Mitty type in his late 40s whose declining libido and increasingly chaotic fantasy life seem to portend the coming of old age and death. Is the tendency to fantasize a kind of inborn optimism -- a method of constantly visualizing best-case scenarios? When elaborate sexual fantasies can no longer bloom in the mind, when there's no longer an ideal for a man to seek out (in vain or not) is that nature's way of telling him it's time to die? This film certainly thinks so. Days of Darkness has serious things to say about growing old, the boundaries of make-believe, resigning yourself to reality, and what constitutes happiness -- it's a must-see for serious film lovers.


5. Bug

There have been movies before about two people who were "wrong for each other" but not like this. Agnes, a small-town waitress who has been emotionally frozen since her son disappeared out of a grocery cart years ago, has the cosmically bad luck to run into Peter, a drifter who turns out to be a psychically damaged drug fiend with yarns to spin about military experiments gone awry and complaints of bugs crawling beneath his skin. Somehow these two people unlock the deepest self of each other, and they pass one lonesome night by doing drugs and trading sad stories, all while an underlying tension hums ever louder. William Friedkin's Bug offers amazing insights into how emotional vulnerability can impair judgment and make you participate in another person's delusions. Ashley Judd, always something of a green-screen actress without the green-screen, finds her perfect niche here as a woman who walks around blind to reality.


6. The Nines

This clever little magician's box of a movie, unfairly overlooked on its opening, was made for a song but entertains more than any ten blockbusters. A meditation on the nature of reality set in the land of unreality, L.A., the film honeycombs its way through three overlapping and intersecting stories, each starring Ryan Reynolds as a different character -- a popular actor, a reality TV showrunner and a video game developer -- all of them struggling through a personal crisis. Also, each of these characters may ultimately be the same character, in the sense of being a vessel for a mischievous God who is body-hopping in order to get a ground-level view of what the hell is happening on Earth, to the consternation of two opposing angels. There's also a conspiracy involving koala bears who control the planet's weather, but I need to see it again before I get that deep into it.


7. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Andrew Dominik's strange and beautifully sleepy hagiography of notorious outlaw Jesse James contains some of Brad Pitt's best work. Portraying James at a hard-lived 34 years, with greasy black hair and the penetrating eyes of a snake, Pitt gives a performance that sometimes borders on the anachronistic -- I doubt Jesse James exhibited that peculiarly modern strain of anti-social madness -- but the character works on its own level, as an object of simultaneous revulsion and adulation for the spindly loser Robert Ford, a third-tier hanger-on who ultimately shoots James from behind while he's dusting a picture on the wall. A late scene, of Ford and his equally worthless brother Charley earing a living by enacting the assassination on stage for the public, takes on chilling dimensions when the dead Jesse James seems to somehow move the spirit of Charley towards not wanting to play the victim any more.


8. It's a Free World

Everyone has the right to earn a living, right? Ken Loach's excellent London-based drama shoots holes in that assertion from multiple vantage points. Angie, a 33-year-old with a child to feed and a start-up employment agency business that she's intensely proud of, begins to find it impossible to resist the increasing pressure from competitors to funnel illegal immigrants to her clients. They're dirt cheap, maximally exploitable, and uneducated -- not passing them on to the factory bosses who employ her starts to smack of overlooking first-round draft-picks. But who is exploiting who? And why does the law overlook Angie's actions and the actions of those who end up exploiting her? It's a Free World deftly explores a subject on which society is still profoundly of two minds. Watch for the scene where Angie is confronted by a crowd of ripped-off workers -- is she screaming at them, "It's all sorted!" or "It's all sordid!" ?


9. Sweeney Todd

Remember Tim Burton? He was the filmmaker who, before disappearing into the wilderness of the studio system for 15 years, made Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and Edward Scissorhands, two films that viewed adulthood itself as a perversion to be mocked and mocked hard with a child's self-righteous, mean-spirited anger. That climactic, jarring-as-hell moment in Scissorhands in which a stabbing occurs -- that's the real Tim Burton. Well, he's back. Sweeney Todd, the ghoulish, almost Elizabethan musical about a London barber hell-bent on grisly revenge for spending his youth in prison on a false charge, could have been candy-appled by Burton (I'm sure Paramount was expecting that) but something about the demon barber awoke the demon in Burton and in this film he uncorks his deepest and most personal filmmaking instincts, both visual and dramatic ones, that haven't been seen on screen since Wino Forever was Winona Forever.


10. Death Proof

It used to be said of Oliver Stone that although he was capable of making bad films, he was incapable of making boring ones. We found out that wasn't true with Alexander, but the maxim still holds true when applied to Quentin Tarantino. No Tarantino film has ever been anything less than exhilarating eyeball-glue and Death Proof is no different. It's a pity that Tarantino's latest arrived handcuffed to a boring Robert Rodriguez zombie picture, but the marketplace took less than six months to sort out that mistake. Half stalker-horror and half revenge-empowerment, with a coat of Tarantino's trademark conversation-heavy scripting over everything, it all combines to create a uniquely weird movie in which both the good guys and bad guys seem to make life and death choices based on how their movie heroes might do it. This film also re-confirms that Tarantino is in the top tier of action directors.


Honorable Mentions: No Country for Old Men, The Girl in the Park, The Bourne Ultimatum, 3:10 to Yuma, Right at Your Door, Lake of Fire, You're Gonna Miss Me, This is England, The Page Turner, Chrysalis.

Just about six short weeks ago Newsweek online profiled Jamie-Lynn Spears, Ms. Britney's little sister.

People Magazine reports this week that Jamie-Lynn Spears is 12 weeks pregnant. Whoops. There goes that dream of "no drama."

Ugh. I find this so depressing. Lynne Spears is surprised that her teenage daughter, although punctual, could become pregnant? Will parents never stop being surprised that their teenage kids are horny? Is the shock here that Jamie would have sex with her boyfriend of three years Casey Aldridge or that they didn’t use birth control? Or that she's keeping the baby?

Unfortunately Jamie-Lynn is keeping the baby and will raise it in Louisiana.

Uh, but Jamie Lynn's acting career takes place in Los Angeles. Who is going to raise this kid? Grandma Spears? Maybe Kevin Federline can help? What's one more mouth to feed?

Why isn't anyone talking about birth control? You don’t have to wait and you don’t have to "put yourself in a position…" (you know what I mean.) You can have sex and use condoms or take a pill! The message that should be sent to teens is that it doesn’t have to be so black and white. The two choices are not just abstinence or motherhood -- there's a whole wide world in between, filled with special moments like learning how to put on a condom and getting spermicide on your fingers.

I know this is just another dumb celebrity story but it reflects how fucked up our culture remains around the subject of birth control, sex and family planning. I suppose one could argue that Jamie-Lynn Spears is getting all the attention because she is the one growing the baby but where is the media coverage on Casey Aldridge? He is 19-years-old and could be facing a felony charge and fatherhood.

Ironically, the home-schooled Jamie-Lynn claimed a few months ago that her favorite subject at "school" was health. Health!

I guess she hadn't hit the lesson plan yet about "stuff that you need to know" to not end up like your older sister. Pity.

Usually when I do one of these bash-a-celeb pieces (Or pseudo-celeb... celeb-ish? Let's just say an aspiring celeb-adjacent), there's a fairly good chance that people will attempt to defend the celeb's honor. Someone's a fan, someone thinks their actions were justified, someone paid 11 dollars to watch them skulk around a burned-out NYC and feels unless they say something it'll have been in vain, etc.

That will not happen with this piece. It is beyond the realm of even remote possibility.

"I'm a fucking TV reporter." Doesn't really carry the weight of, say "I'm the fucking president," or "I'm the fucking anti-christ." Even a "I'm your worst fucking nightmare," would've been better. Sure, it's less specific, but it doesn't immediately conjure an image of you chuckling for no reason before throwing to the "holiday kittens" story.

And c'mon, everyone knows local TV doesn't count. Maybe her Philly cred would've carried weight back in Philly... in the parking lot of her studio... maybe. Not in NY. I'm not sure Katie Couric gets away with a move like this.

Finally! An actual celebrity! That's what I'm talking about.

I bet he giggled and pushed the button on a "toilet flush" sound effect after she hit the cop.

They didn't list this guy's profession. I'm gonna guess "full-time genius." He gets grants to just sit around and use that giant brain of his.

You just know that on top of everything, she's a shitty photographer but at cocktail parties will bend your ear about her "art" and to tell you how "different the world seems through a camera lens."

Later in the story Lane's lawyer denies she struck anyone. That's a tough call, credibility-wise: The word of a lawyer vs. physical proof actually scratched into someone's face. Decisions, decisions...

What's Suzy's problem? After all, Lane is a TV reporter! It was probably official TV reporter business, civilians never understand that shit.

Besides, who doesn't send their good friends bikini photos. I know I do. It's called being friendly.

Here's a bonus, Lane's CBS3.com profile.

Surprisingly, the likelihood of these interviews ever happening are no worse than they were prior to the incident.

Probably okay to go ahead and fill-in the "Last TV Appearance" too.

"Oh and to loudly announce to people that I'm a journalist midway through a heinous public display. And for the children!"

Do they put out a fashion magazine?



TheCoolerKing is a broken down, old man