My world has just changed forever. I wake up day in and day out, assuming I live in a post-Seagal word. Assuming that the most I'd hear of Seagal these days would be an arrest for drunk driving or some altercation somewhere. How wrong I was. The Seagal era continues. I want to say ""stronger than ever" but that seems like an exaggeration. Let's just say the state of the Seagal era is "strong."

Okay, what? TWO Seagal bombshells in one day? One would've been more than enough, two is just greedy. Tomorrow, when I wake up to no Seagal news it's gonna feel like a cold, empty Seagal-less void. It's like eating two feasts back to back only to know the next day brings starvation. I almost don't want to eat.

Let me get this straight, 1) Steven Seagal is a cop?!?! How has this escaped my notice? And for ten years? That sort of implies he's actually pretty decent at his job and that it's not a total stunt...This is really something that has happened on our world? And it isn't national news?

And 2) Um, WE GET TO WATCH HIM BE A COP ON TV?! Unbelievable.

"Musical activites" makes me nervous. Hopefully we're talking about the music created when a fist bounces off a bad guy's skull. The sweet sounds produced when a pool cue collides with a Haitian drug kingpin's ribs. Not, um, you know, shitty sax-filled jazz.

Hopefully "philanthropic activities" refers to his donating punches to lawbreakers, and volunteering his time, free of charge, to the pursuit of arm-breaking and kneecapping all those who defy him.

Uh, thanks Variety, is that who Steven Seagal is? He's that guy? Not the president of France, Steven Seagal? Good to know.

The only people who don't know who Steven Seagal is have been living in a cave the past twenty years, and chances are they're living there to avoid detection by Seagal who sent them running to the cave in the first place. So, yeah, anyone reading Variety knows who Seagal is.

Also, Under Siege is still the best rip-off 'Die Hard on a boat, balcony spaceship, etc., movie' ever made. To re-cap, he's a chef on a boat taken hostage by villains... who also happens to be an ex Navy Seals. Or was it Green Beret? Special Forces? Well, you get the idea. And Tommy Lee Jones is the main bad guy.

The ONLY way that was ever going to happen was to put Steven Seagal in a reality show. That's a fact, ask any expert. You wanna publicize the plight of the people of Louisiana? Then you gotta take Seagal. It's just like how JCVD was actually made to draw attention to the perils of not making your bank robbery proof. People needed to know about it.

Think about that first sentence: "Seagal 'helps fight crime because he...'" Someone really said that. And it wasn't in reference to a movie. If you had walked into my bedroom twenty years ago while I was watching Out For Justice or Hard to Kill or Punch to Neck and said to me, "Hey man, pretty cool, right? Uh, by the way, someday Seagal will fight REAL crime on the planet Earth and they'll make it a TV show," I would've either exploded in tears of joy, or I would've pummeled the lunatic who'd broken into my house and spouted crazy talk. And now, that reality is here.

A guy robbing a convenience store will hear an offscreen, "Hey shitbag... looks like you've got more than ten items..." Then look up to see Steven Seagal say, "Here's two more." (delivers two punches) And WE GET TO SEE IT.

A drunk driver will get pulled over to hear, "Looks like you've been drinking and driving... You like drinking so much, you're Mr Drink-guy, right? Why don't you try drinking my fist. (punch)

A guy speeding will get pulled over to hear, "What's your hurry? You need to get somewhere fast? A regular 'Mr. Hurry' we got here. How about I show you my shortcut...Let me see here, according to this map, you were going...TO SLEEP." (punches guy)

A jaywalker will hear, "You like crossing against the light? That your thing? That gets you off, right? Well you didn't just cross the street...you crossed ME...and that makes me, cross. When I get cross I cross you off a list. The list of people I don't punch in the face. This automatically adds you to my list of people I DO punch in the face. Also, I'm wearing a cross." (punches guy)

TheCoolerKIng is SuicideGirls' "Culture" and "Celeb" editor (we'll use those terms loosely). Click HERE for further reading. He's also doing this: HowToBeatUpAnything