A perfect storm of douchiness. That's what I seem to be staring into.

Before I get to that, I realize mocking or despising Paris Hilton is neither original nor hard. It's been done. A lot. People are kind of sick of it. I don't care. The facts remain the same. She is atrocious and really shouldn't be tolerated on any level. Ideally, there'd be two kinds of people in this world, those who despise Paris Hilton, and those who haven't yet heard of Paris Hilton. But nope, that second group may not exist and, alarmingly, there's a third group of people who adore her, and seem to think she is somehow doing her own thing, representing the ladies etc. These people are wrong.

In a similar though slightly more respected category is Ryan Seacrest. (Wow, quick sidebar –– what are the chances of that? I'm sorry, that never happens –– you're discussing Ryan Seacrest and he's not even the worst part of the story, that is a rare occurence my friends.)

So, Seacrest, yeah... He's been rightfully mocked but then went through a weird period where people insisted he was good at his job and moved things along nicely on American Idol ,etc. Others even praised his business sense and empire-building skills. (Yeah, that guy's the best, the dude who pipes up during a discussion about TV or film or whatever to say "yeah he may suck but he's a really good businessman." When did that become something to admire? Who gives a shit? I mean, good for him but it doesn't excuse his general shittiness.)

There you go. I just shot some fish in a barrel. To sum up, they stink. But hey, just keep stinking on your own time far away from me and the things I enjoy. He should stick to American Idol or horrendous radio or whatever his day job is ("he works so hard!" again, who cares?). And she should agree to stay away from any channels not ending in an an exclamation point, and all will be fine...

But it doesn't seem like that's going to happen.

Wha..Are you kidding me? I almost don't know how to react to that. Like, the gall involved in that statement, is mind-boggling... They do know that "scripted shows" require people to act (and read), right? Separately, neither one of these simpletons should be anywhere near any sort of scripted show, so the fact that they're teaming up is... unbelievable.

Why not set out to build a rocket ship to the Neptune? Or cure cancer? Honestly, those options are just as much in your wheelhouse and just as likely for you to succeed at, as developing a show.

I know I'll regret saying this but I almost want to see this abomination. Just to be able to have some new refrence point for awful. To be able to look at it for a few seconds, quantify it in some way, and then forget it ever existed, so that I can go on to enjoying nice things in the world.

There's more.

Oh-for-two Seacrest, some nice work there... In fact, SHE DOES NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS. She doesn't work hard, and she takes herself very seriously. Did you really have to lie? There was no other way you could think of to compliment her?

Like, "Um, yeah, well, she's a person... and they put people on TV shows, so as you can see that's a pretty good fit right there."

Or just come right out and say "There are quite a few terrible shows on the air, why shouldn't I make some money off of one... And who better to appear in a terrible show than Paris?"

Somewhat off topic, but equally annoying is the headline for the article.

Picture some mouth-breather sounding out that sentence, getting to the ellipsis, kinda freaking out, then finishing. "What the- Ohhhh... Hahahahaha. Oh, E!, you saucy devil you... for a minute there I thought you meant that they'd gotten together in a "you know" way, hehehe! but okay, I see what you meanted to be readinged. Me like joke."

Seacrest and Hilton. I defy you to come up with a worse combo. I dare you. It's like the polar opposite of peanut butter and chocolate. Like whatever the oppsosite is, they're that, if when you ate it it would give you malaria.

Hitler and Dane Cook? Stabbings and global warming? You can't do it can you...?




TheCoolerKIng enjoys good TV and would like there to be more of it...His column appears each Sunday at SuicideGirls.com. Click HERE for more.