BY THE COOLER KING

The world is full of assholes. An unending sea of roiling, bubbling assholes, growing, spawning combining to bring forth even bigger, and bigger assholes on a minute by minute basis. A sea so massive in scope that it’s become nearly impossible to stand out in if you’re anything short of a murderer. All this makes Jennifer Lopez’s latest offering even more special... impressive even.

Not only did she manage that impressive feat, she went further, managing to embody nearly everything wrong with America today in one single statement. I’m not sure most could do this even if trying. A coked-up Donald Trump doesn’t might not even be able to hit that mark every time.

Bravo. I mean, really, well done. Before I attempt to break that bullshit down, consider that this was a statement made to A PUBLIC ORGANIZATION. This wasn’t some late night drunken confession to a close friend who saw dollar signs. This wasn’t in some diary stolen from her house. Not only does she think this way, (which I’m sure a few jerk-holes here and there do) she thinks it’s okay to express this thought to the public.

Things Ruining America Found Within Jennifer Lopez

People are spoiled - Pretty easy to grasp. She takes things for granted. does not value them. Cares nothing for objects which other people create. half-heartedly attempts to recycle them before blaming someone else ("it's a shame" in regards to their not taking children's clothes. Yes, indeed, THAT'S the shame. That part) and then throwing the clothes away. And then telling the world about it.

Kids don’t appreciate anything - Kids get this way by getting handed things they o not appreciate. Also, by witnessing shitty people act shitty. Made worse when aforementioned shitty person is a parent.

Kids are selfish - They get this way by feeling they deserve things more than others. Things like soon to be discarded designer clothes.

People are selfish - See above. Those kids grow up and ruin things. Also, see, almost any newspaper headline.

People are wasteful - They reveal this by discarding designer clothes.

People are shallow - They think designer labels mean something. I mean, they do, to a degree. Some are quite nice. Nice enough I'd dare to not throw out after one wearing.

People are lazy – Putting together outfits is fun! Sure, using the word "outfit" leaves you open to ridicule but you get what I mean. Finding ways to recombine old shit with new shit and designer shit is challenging and to be much more vaule than simply throwing on a designer dress. C'mon.


That’s it. Is there really anything currently plaguing this planet she country she missed? She did everything with the exception of murder, and, as far as I can tell, she doesn’t covet her neighbor's wife.





TheCoolerKing is Comic Con bound