Yeah, that's right. Twenty dollars in cold hard cash to the person who can find an original or funny moment in Mike Myers' new film The Love Guru. I'm not sure I've seen a more laugh-free, cringe-worthy trailer in all of my life.

They need to create two new words meaning SHIT and GARBAGE, put them in a box and encourage them to sire offspring, then use that new bastard child-word to describe this debacle.

I'm not sure Myers has ever been funny, but people often make an argument for Wayne's World. I didn't like Austin Powers at all, but I know some respectable types who did. I seem to vaguely recall enjoying So I Married An Axe Murderer in high school, though I could be wrong about how it holds up. But this new offering, holy hell... I'd like to hear from the person out there who chuckled at this stale, ham-fisted stereotype. It honestly seems like something out of an early '90s time capsule, also containing a Hootie & The Blowfish cassingle, tribal tattoos and a gigapet. Although, by comparison, those things are hilarious.

I don't know where to begin. How about with the fact that half the gimmick of this "character," the sex-schtick, has been lifted from Austin Powers. Then there's the never-not-riotously funny gag of bouncing a midget around the set. The midget featured here has had this role role before. It took me a few seconds to remember where. Oh yes, that's right, in Austin Powers. I wonder if they re-used the footage and just CGI'd new outfits onto him. Oh wait, I forgot midgets are funny. I meant "get new doll clothes" for him.



Again, 20 bucks to the person who finds the so-called comedy of The Love Guru. Not as easy as it sounds, as you actually have to watch the movie to complete this mission. No fun for anyone. The other option is attempting to extract something funny from the trailer, also impossible, even with high-tech microscopes and the use of freeze frame. There is however a large portion of "not funny" present.

- The first gag, a funny sounding town name that when spoken slowly reads as "hair-in-my-keister." That's right, the first thing you see to sell the movie, is a joke that my shut-in drunken uncle would frown at. Think about what that jokes inclusion means. It means that numerous, NUMEROUS people read that line in the script or heard it ad-libbed and then said "Yes... that's REALLY funny. Put it in."

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing," seems pretty appropriate here.

All I'd have hoped for is that a moderately funny man or assistant or grip, had done ANYTHING.

- This is followed by a CGI-adult Mike Myers' head pasted onto a kid Mike Myers' body. This is funny because, you see, Mike Myers is actually an adult. He is NOT a kid. But for the purposes of hilarity, he is a kid here. A kid with an adult's head. Trust me when I tell you I type this with tears of laughter rolling down my face. Wait, sorry, I meant the opposite of laughter-tears. What's the kind for when bad stuff happens? Those.

- Then the Guru abruptly stands up in a teeny-tiny midget office like they have nowhere, and smashes the teeny-tiny ceiling. Nope, they don't even bother to give him a proper excuse like, something startling him, he merely lurches upwards for no good reason to deliver the money shot of awesome that is a ceiling breaking. He somehow entered a tiny room, sat down and instantly forgot where he was. If only people watching this movie could master the same trick. The only way that joke could get worse is if you saw it twice, and fortunately, I bet you'll see it three more times before the "movie" ends. Dare we hope for a messy version? Then one involving maybe an unseen tree branch? Oh man, are you listening God?

- The next gem is JT himself, Justin Timberlake, donning tight shorts and a funny wig. A different funny wig than the one Myers wears. And a different funny mustache, too. They at least went that far... JT should stick to making watered down R&B, which my friends-who-dance tell me he's quite good at. What he isn't good at, is this.

- Myers' then remarks regarding Timberlake that "it looks like he's smuggling a schnauser," a joke you might remember from real-life appearances at offices across the land, often used when describing a European seen on a recent beach trip. Another trailer has a version of the "I had a hat like that... then I got a job," line also famous for being found comedy, in use since the '80s. Why not, right? Great call, guys.

- Hah! His little pillow-car beeps when it backs up! Like trucks do! But it's not a truck, you see, it's a...

You've seen this joke before, too, in various sitcoms and films. An actual funny take on the premise is George from "Seinfeld" attempting to work "beep beep" into a conversation, to get Jerry to back the story up, and getting called out on it. A moment far funnier than this entire film. Oh, and one written over ten years ago. Those Foster Farms chickens are right, who needs freshness? Those chickens, by the way? Also funnier than this movie. A full list of things funnier than this movie is impossible but would contain: Tucker Carlson, forks, malaria, stab wounds to the eye, paper, paper cuts and the letter G.

I can't go on. The muscles in my body responsible for cringing have collapsed from over exertion.


This shit movie has a price on its head. The bounty is out. 20 BUCKS! Mailed personally to you from SG headquarters. Claim it if you dare.






TheCoolerKing looks forward to the inevitable comparison of Mike Myers' success and bankroll with his own, comment from an unfunny fellow with a poor mastery of the caps lock.