Aging Action Movie Characters: How They Rank
The release of the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull trailer this week was greeted with mild interest, excitement, and ultimately, disappointment... from me. Early script problem rumors aside it seems they may have taken too long to make this latest installment. Way too long. I hope the "coming up with the title part" wasn't what delayed them because if it was, they honestly could've used a bit more time.
Hunting for some crystal sculpture? Sounds like an excursion to my mother's dust-filled living room. Perhaps next time (please, no next time) Indy can hunt for a Franklin Mint, commemorative Elvis plate.
The implausibilty of Indy bouncing around (yeah, I know they mock his age, but it doesn't quite work) caused me to think about just how implausible it was, by comparison, to other aging heroes of the cinema.
(note: character's age is the oldest it was while portraying that character)
John Rambo: Rambo franchise
Actor's Age: 61
Character's Age: 60
Having a character tied to a specific war which we can use to gauge age certainly limits your prospects for ignoring time's passage. There's a reason Iron Man, in the new film, is presented as a Gulf War vet as opposed to one from Vietnam as was originally the case.
In spite of that limitation, Stallone still throws the weights around regularly and despite some odd, uh, "Hollywood-ized" portions of his face, still looks like a bad-ass.
It doesn't strike me as unrealistic that he could wield rocket launchers and guns against bad guys while taking cover in the jungle. Well, no more unrealistic than it did in his prime. The fact that Rambo probably "juices" makes this all the more possible.
DIVE ROLLS - 3/5
Rocky Balboa: Rocky franchise
Actor's Age: 58
Character's Age: 59
The whole Rocky comeback thing seemed ridiculous until George Foreman came out of retirement to pummel the heavyweight champion of the world at the age of 45. Still, the idea that the Nevada State Athletic Commisson would sanction even an exhibition match between the current champ and a 59-year-old faded legend, without even one tune-up fight, is insane.
The idea that he'd acquit himself well, isn't that crazy. The heavyweight division is slightly better now then it was a few years ago, but it's still a horrid mess. Part of me thinks the George Foreman of today would have a decent shot of KO-ing this useless goliath. Is Foreman a better fighter, pound for pound, than Rocky Balboa? Is a prime Clubber Lang? Could Rock have destroyed Joe Frazier, as Foreman did? The answers are, of course, no, no and yes.
DIVE ROLLS - 3/5
Terminator (T-800 model)
Actor's Age: 60
Character's Age: It's a robot. (7 kilojewels? 54 parsecs? who knows?)
The Terminator is, as we all know, a cyborg. Though different actual cyborgs appear in each film, the "model" is the same. And yet, somehow, the character in Terminator 3 seems to be suffering the effects of aging found most commonly in Earth humans... Hmm, curious. However the jacked-up Arnold looked close enough to the original (when clad in trademark leather jacket and glasses) to make an effective killing machine. And he could walk just as stiffly then as he did in his prime.
If he ever again appears in the role they better come up with some "computer virus" excuse for why he looks like a 60 year old man but, so far, so believable.
DIVE ROLLS - 4/5
James Bond: Never Say Never Again
Actor's Age: 53
Character's Age: unknown
This movie had some flaws but Connery's age wasn't one of them. It's the only (unofficial) Bond film that I can recall addressing his age. Bond comes out out retirement to pull off a mission eerily similar to his first. Maybe it's a Connery thing, cause I was able to suspend disbelief even as recently as the horrid Entrapment. Buying Connery as a 69-year-old cat burglar was far easier than attempting to buy Catherine Zeta-Jones as an actress. Maybe it was all the slimming, black, cat burglar suits?
Bond at his current age might be a stretch but I'd pay good money to see him appear as the villain in the next 007 installment.
DIVE ROLLS - 4/5
John McClane: Live Free or Die Hard
Actor's Age: 52
Character's Age: unknown (let's say 52?)
Action Hero Note: If you're an aging action character back for one last score, and have the option to inject some fresh blood into your act by shaving off your receding hairline, do it. A tanned, bald head apparently takes a few years off. McClane still looks good. Maybe it's the "everyman" factor of the character. The fact that he never looked great to begin with. I'd see another Die Hard installment between now and his 56th birthday. Fifty-seven, if he finds something else to shave off.
DIVE ROLLS - 3/5
Ralph "Papa" Thorson (Steve McQueen): The Hunter
Actor's Age: 50
Character's Age: unknown
Not a classic film, I know. More memorable for being McQueen's last, than anything else. And it's not a horrible movie. (He does get to hang out with a visor-less Geordi La Forge. Or, if you'd prefer, a book-less, "guy from Reading Rainbow.") But McQueen looks tired and not that excited about things and rightfully so, as he was battling cancer throughout the filming. That eliminates age as the culprit, as I've no doubt a healthier McQueen would've done more here. Of course, I've still seen this movie at least six times.
DIVE ROLLS - 2/5
William Munny: Unforgiven
Actor's Age: 62
Character's Age: unknown
Not technically an action film though it does address the topic here as Eastwood is an aging action star portraying an aging "action character." The verdict? This movie is flawless and his age is a non-factor for three reasons
1) He's supposed to be old and behaves accordingly. He's a bad shot, at first.
2) While he is shooting and killing younger men he isn't doing so while also somersaulting through a plate glass window, sliding across a bar, and simultaneously killing more than six people. Though the constraints of the time period are partially the reason, at no point does he dangle from a helicopter while kicking bad guys.
3) He's Clint Eastwood.
DIVE ROLLS - 5/5
Blade: Blade franchise
Actor's Age: 45
Character's Age: unknown (Are vampires on the same calendar as us?)
Fourty-five is pretty young, Snipes has some (apparently jail-free) years in front of him. Despite the presence of a junior-team of Vamp slayers intended to take over for him in the last Blade film, he did okay. There may've been less spin-kicking, I can't recall. Since the character's half-vamp and therefore, half immortal, he could keep up the killing for as long as he's physically able.
DIVE ROLLS - 3/5
James Braddock (Chuck Norris): Missing in Action franchise
Actor's Age: 48 (during the last MIA film)
Character's Age: unknown (but like Rambo, a Vietnam vet. I'm sure I could mock up an approx age range but, would that really enhance this piece?)
What would an action movie star round-up be without Chuck Norris!?(Answer: slightly more A-list... and slightly less Hucka-bish)
I've seen all three "Braddock" films and the only thing I can remember about any of them is the scene where a burlap sack containing a rat is placed and tied over Braddock's head. After much "flailing about" the bag is removed to reveal... a dead rat! In Braddock's mouth! The movie should've ended there. Sequels could've been done with other animals in place of the rat. I guess he looked okay for 48 but I casn't see ranking it higher than the other movies on this list.
DIVE ROLLS - 1/5
Indiana Jones: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Actor's Age: 66
Character's Age: unknown
From the trailer we see that he's jumping, whipping and elbowing baddies much as he did in prior installments. Raiders...was perfect, Temple... was decent and Crusade... was fun. This one looks kind of stale. He looks tired. The jokes seem not as fresh as you'd like and well, crystal skulls, man... I'm holding out hope that it proves me wrong but I'm not sure I see it. As of this moment.
DIVE ROLLS - 1/5
TheCoolerKing did stand-up in front of a Cylon! Life ain't so bad...
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