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Aging Action Movie Characters: How They Rank

SUNDAY FEBRUARY 17 2008 6:00 AM

Submitted by TheCoolerKing. Edited By TheCoolerKing.

The release of the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull trailer this week was greeted with mild interest, excitement, and ultimately, disappointment... from me. Early script problem rumors aside it seems they may have taken too long to make this latest installment. Way too long. I hope the "coming up with the title part" wasn't what delayed them because if it was, they honestly could've used a bit more time.

Hunting for some crystal sculpture? Sounds like an excursion to my mother's dust-filled living room. Perhaps next time (please, no next time) Indy can hunt for a Franklin Mint, commemorative Elvis plate.

The implausibilty of Indy bouncing around (yeah, I know they mock his age, but it doesn't quite work) caused me to think about just how implausible it was, by comparison, to other aging heroes of the cinema.

(note: character's age is the oldest it was while portraying that character)

John Rambo: Rambo franchise
Actor's Age: 61
Character's Age: 60
Having a character tied to a specific war which we can use to gauge age certainly limits your prospects for ignoring time's passage. There's a reason Iron Man, in the new film, is presented as a Gulf War vet as opposed to one from Vietnam as was originally the case.

In spite of that limitation, Stallone still throws the weights around regularly and despite some odd, uh, "Hollywood-ized" portions of his face, still looks like a bad-ass.

It doesn't strike me as unrealistic that he could wield rocket launchers and guns against bad guys while taking cover in the jungle. Well, no more unrealistic than it did in his prime. The fact that Rambo probably "juices" makes this all the more possible.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Rocky Balboa: Rocky franchise
Actor's Age: 58
Character's Age: 59
The whole Rocky comeback thing seemed ridiculous until George Foreman came out of retirement to pummel the heavyweight champion of the world at the age of 45. Still, the idea that the Nevada State Athletic Commisson would sanction even an exhibition match between the current champ and a 59-year-old faded legend, without even one tune-up fight, is insane.

The idea that he'd acquit himself well, isn't that crazy. The heavyweight division is slightly better now then it was a few years ago, but it's still a horrid mess. Part of me thinks the George Foreman of today would have a decent shot of KO-ing this useless goliath. Is Foreman a better fighter, pound for pound, than Rocky Balboa? Is a prime Clubber Lang? Could Rock have destroyed Joe Frazier, as Foreman did? The answers are, of course, no, no and yes.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Terminator (T-800 model)
Actor's Age: 60
Character's Age: It's a robot. (7 kilojewels? 54 parsecs? who knows?)
The Terminator is, as we all know, a cyborg. Though different actual cyborgs appear in each film, the "model" is the same. And yet, somehow, the character in Terminator 3 seems to be suffering the effects of aging found most commonly in Earth humans... Hmm, curious. However the jacked-up Arnold looked close enough to the original (when clad in trademark leather jacket and glasses) to make an effective killing machine. And he could walk just as stiffly then as he did in his prime.

If he ever again appears in the role they better come up with some "computer virus" excuse for why he looks like a 60 year old man but, so far, so believable.

DIVE ROLLS - 4/5


James Bond: Never Say Never Again
Actor's Age: 53
Character's Age: unknown
This movie had some flaws but Connery's age wasn't one of them. It's the only (unofficial) Bond film that I can recall addressing his age. Bond comes out out retirement to pull off a mission eerily similar to his first. Maybe it's a Connery thing, cause I was able to suspend disbelief even as recently as the horrid Entrapment. Buying Connery as a 69-year-old cat burglar was far easier than attempting to buy Catherine Zeta-Jones as an actress. Maybe it was all the slimming, black, cat burglar suits?

Bond at his current age might be a stretch but I'd pay good money to see him appear as the villain in the next 007 installment.

DIVE ROLLS - 4/5


John McClane: Live Free or Die Hard
Actor's Age: 52
Character's Age: unknown (let's say 52?)
Action Hero Note: If you're an aging action character back for one last score, and have the option to inject some fresh blood into your act by shaving off your receding hairline, do it. A tanned, bald head apparently takes a few years off. McClane still looks good. Maybe it's the "everyman" factor of the character. The fact that he never looked great to begin with. I'd see another Die Hard installment between now and his 56th birthday. Fifty-seven, if he finds something else to shave off.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


Ralph "Papa" Thorson (Steve McQueen): The Hunter
Actor's Age: 50
Character's Age: unknown
Not a classic film, I know. More memorable for being McQueen's last, than anything else. And it's not a horrible movie. (He does get to hang out with a visor-less Geordi La Forge. Or, if you'd prefer, a book-less, "guy from Reading Rainbow.") But McQueen looks tired and not that excited about things and rightfully so, as he was battling cancer throughout the filming. That eliminates age as the culprit, as I've no doubt a healthier McQueen would've done more here. Of course, I've still seen this movie at least six times.

DIVE ROLLS - 2/5


William Munny: Unforgiven
Actor's Age: 62
Character's Age: unknown
Not technically an action film though it does address the topic here as Eastwood is an aging action star portraying an aging "action character." The verdict? This movie is flawless and his age is a non-factor for three reasons

1) He's supposed to be old and behaves accordingly. He's a bad shot, at first.

2) While he is shooting and killing younger men he isn't doing so while also somersaulting through a plate glass window, sliding across a bar, and simultaneously killing more than six people. Though the constraints of the time period are partially the reason, at no point does he dangle from a helicopter while kicking bad guys.

3) He's Clint Eastwood.

DIVE ROLLS - 5/5


Blade: Blade franchise
Actor's Age: 45
Character's Age: unknown (Are vampires on the same calendar as us?)
Fourty-five is pretty young, Snipes has some (apparently jail-free) years in front of him. Despite the presence of a junior-team of Vamp slayers intended to take over for him in the last Blade film, he did okay. There may've been less spin-kicking, I can't recall. Since the character's half-vamp and therefore, half immortal, he could keep up the killing for as long as he's physically able.

DIVE ROLLS - 3/5


James Braddock (Chuck Norris): Missing in Action franchise
Actor's Age: 48 (during the last MIA film)
Character's Age: unknown (but like Rambo, a Vietnam vet. I'm sure I could mock up an approx age range but, would that really enhance this piece?)
What would an action movie star round-up be without Chuck Norris!?(Answer: slightly more A-list... and slightly less Hucka-bish)

I've seen all three "Braddock" films and the only thing I can remember about any of them is the scene where a burlap sack containing a rat is placed and tied over Braddock's head. After much "flailing about" the bag is removed to reveal... a dead rat! In Braddock's mouth! The movie should've ended there. Sequels could've been done with other animals in place of the rat. I guess he looked okay for 48 but I casn't see ranking it higher than the other movies on this list.

DIVE ROLLS - 1/5


Indiana Jones: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Actor's Age: 66
Character's Age: unknown
From the trailer we see that he's jumping, whipping and elbowing baddies much as he did in prior installments. Raiders...was perfect, Temple... was decent and Crusade... was fun. This one looks kind of stale. He looks tired. The jokes seem not as fresh as you'd like and well, crystal skulls, man... I'm holding out hope that it proves me wrong but I'm not sure I see it. As of this moment.

DIVE ROLLS - 1/5






TheCoolerKing did stand-up in front of a Cylon! Life ain't so bad...

 

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xfinitex

xfinitex

East Lansing, MI
August 2005

FEB 17, 2008 10:14 PM

OctEgon said:
I'm more worried about Shia LaDouche being in this.



To be honest, I'm not too concerned. I was ok with his performance in Transformers and I think he'll be able to pull off the role here decently. And besides, you can always ignore him for the fact that Karen Allen is back and that will be thoroughly awesome.

XamaX_is_Dead

XamaX_is_Dead

La Mesa, CA
March 2007

FEB 19, 2008 02:35 AM

TheCoolerKing said:

Trahern said:
...Want to hear more about the Cylon, dammit.


willam9 said:
i'm more interested in which cylon it was...


Number Six...

Super nice and really cool.




and smokin hot. i would imagine, since she is hot on the show. i need my BSG fix!

Gerry_D

Gerry_D

Los Angeles, CA
May 2003

FEB 21, 2008 12:57 AM

Bill Munny FTW

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

FEB 21, 2008 01:32 AM

kilojoule

and if you gave Terminator 3 a 4/5 i really have no desire to read the rest.

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

FEB 21, 2008 02:52 AM


Yep, I misspelled kilojoule... Next you'll tell me that it isn't actually a way to measure a cyborg's age.

and if you gave Terminator 3 a 4/5 i really have no desire to read the rest.


Forget the "rest," I'm curious how you read up to the part you did without realizing I'm ranking the character's believability, age-wise, and not movie quality.

NatasKaput

NatasKaput

Bozeman, MT
December 2002

FEB 24, 2008 09:56 PM

A. Harrison Ford is 66 and he could still kick your ass
B. not only was he Indiana Jone, but he was Han fucking Solo
C. he is the only person on this list to save an actual life, witch make him a real fucking hero

squee_

squee_

Grand Marais, MN
September 2004

FEB 25, 2008 01:12 PM

Strega said:

ChocolateJesus said:
And I gotta disagree with The Cooler King. I was very pleased with the trailer, and never once thought Ford looked tired. This movie is right next to Dark Knight in my must-see summer movie list.



+1

I thought it looked fantastic. And Harrison looks sexier than ever. I can't wait.



You just have a thing for old men. Perv.
tongue

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

FEB 25, 2008 02:26 PM

TheCoolerKing said:


Yep, I misspelled kilojoule... Next you'll tell me that it isn't actually a way to measure a cyborg's age.

and if you gave Terminator 3 a 4/5 i really have no desire to read the rest.


Forget the "rest," I'm curious how you read up to the part you did without realizing I'm ranking the character's believability, age-wise, and not movie quality.



Well, if you want to get technical, the only reason that the T-800 is considered a cyborg and not an android is because of the living tissue on the exterior.

The T-1000, and the T-X are both considered Androids, well actually the T-X is considered a Gynoid because the characteristics of that specific android make her seem to be female, some also use the term Feminoid.

Seeing that the T-800 is of older technology and still runs on a processor, there would be numerous ways to measure it's life expectancy.

I would assume the head of Bill Gates to be preserved in a jar, and the Terminator Operating System would need reset at least once a week, while system updates will make him lag, and sooner or later, one of the system updates will contain a virus that will shut the T-800's system down, either that or he will start shouting "DO YOU WANT A LARGER PENIS? ASK ME HOW!". As with all the movies the T-800 will eventually kill itself.

Now i believe the T-1000 and the T-X to be Unix operating systems, because no matter what kind of beating they take, the operating system still functions. It doesn't scramble, it's updates are actually functional, and with a little knowledge, simple processes can be altered to bring out new functions. Unfortunately, they're still battling a Windows based operating system, the reason the Windows based operating system keeps winning so much is because, people believe the Unix operating systems are "hard to understand" and require too much programming. That and they don't have happy little icons you click, unless you make them.

As far as the life cycle of a Cyborg, kilojoules would probably be only one way to measure it's life expectancy. Seeing that the kilojoule measures heat, electricity and mechanical work, there are many other functions of a T-800 that have to be taken into consideration.

The living tissue on the exterior of the machine is one. Any living tissue has a life expectancy, if you consider "failure" of the living tissue on the exterior of the machine an issue of Cyborg age, then it could be measured in decades, maybe centuries. Seeing the beating the living tissue is taking, with gun shots, fire and other things, i can't see that living tissue lasting 100 years, so decades would probably be a better age measurement.

Then you get into processor clock cycles. Most CPU's life expectancy is measured in clock cycles, if you overclock a CPU, you shorten it's life expectancy. You're running more cycles than what it was manufactured to run. Heat, cold, water, dirt and other such wonderful things come into play with CPU's. I never heard if the processor in a T-800 was overclocked.

I am assuming that the T-800 has some type of hard drive, or file storage system. If it's flash memory, it more than likely is measured by the power supply. If it's a mechanical storage, like the hard drive on a current CPU, i would give it 5-7 years. At 6 years it would start making a ball bearing sound, the write head would eventually fail and ruin the platters, making the machine unusable until the hard drive is replaced, and the operating system restored, unless the T-800 was utilizing back-ups through Skynet, all information it gathered would be lost.

On top of all that, the T-800 is only a series of terminator. You have the T-803, 804, 806, 808, 810, 835 and the 882. They all have different purposes during combat. You also have the upgrade terminators which are model numbers T-850 and the T-888. So unless we choose one specific terminator series to identify, it's kind of like asking "how long will my computer last?" without even letting me know what type of computer you are using.

Of course we will never know what model Arnold actually was, because in T-1 and T-2, he refers to himself as a T-800, but in T-3 he refers to himself as a T-101, but in the special features section of T-3, James Cameron explains that Arnold is a T-850 series, model 101. Evidently models 102, 103 and so forth look like other people besides Arnold.

Would i use kilojoule to describe a Cyborgs age? No. probably not, but you've written your story in the light you want to see. I was just pointing out the fact that you spelled joule, as jewel, and they have two different meanings entirely.

and finally. No i didn't like the way Arnold looked in T-3. In some scenes you could see the make-up caked on, just one more reason i wasn't impressed with T-3, too may plot issues, a main character that was caked in make-up to look like he was younger and too many continuity issues with the story line.

Harrison Ford is one of those people that gets better looking with age, unlike Arnold who just gets older.

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

FEB 25, 2008 03:12 PM

DevilsReject said:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

TheCoolerKing said:


Yep, I misspelled kilojoule... Next you'll tell me that it isn't actually a way to measure a cyborg's age.

and if you gave Terminator 3 a 4/5 i really have no desire to read the rest.


Forget the "rest," I'm curious how you read up to the part you did without realizing I'm ranking the character's believability, age-wise, and not movie quality.



Well, if you want to get technical, the only reason that the T-800 is considered a cyborg and not an android is because of the living tissue on the exterior.

The T-1000, and the T-X are both considered Androids, well actually the T-X is considered a Gynoid because the characteristics of that specific android make her seem to be female, some also use the term Feminoid.

Seeing that the T-800 is of older technology and still runs on a processor, there would be numerous ways to measure it's life expectancy.

I would assume the head of Bill Gates to be preserved in a jar, and the Terminator Operating System would need reset at least once a week, while system updates will make him lag, and sooner or later, one of the system updates will contain a virus that will shut the T-800's system down, either that or he will start shouting "DO YOU WANT A LARGER PENIS? ASK ME HOW!". As with all the movies the T-800 will eventually kill itself.

Now i believe the T-1000 and the T-X to be Unix operating systems, because no matter what kind of beating they take, the operating system still functions. It doesn't scramble, it's updates are actually functional, and with a little knowledge, simple processes can be altered to bring out new functions. Unfortunately, they're still battling a Windows based operating system, the reason the Windows based operating system keeps winning so much is because, people believe the Unix operating systems are "hard to understand" and require too much programming. That and they don't have happy little icons you click, unless you make them.

As far as the life cycle of a Cyborg, kilojoules would probably be only one way to measure it's life expectancy. Seeing that the kilojoule measures heat, electricity and mechanical work, there are many other functions of a T-800 that have to be taken into consideration.

The living tissue on the exterior of the machine is one. Any living tissue has a life expectancy, if you consider "failure" of the living tissue on the exterior of the machine an issue of Cyborg age, then it could be measured in decades, maybe centuries. Seeing the beating the living tissue is taking, with gun shots, fire and other things, i can't see that living tissue lasting 100 years, so decades would probably be a better age measurement.

Then you get into processor clock cycles. Most CPU's life expectancy is measured in clock cycles, if you overclock a CPU, you shorten it's life expectancy. You're running more cycles than what it was manufactured to run. Heat, cold, water, dirt and other such wonderful things come into play with CPU's. I never heard if the processor in a T-800 was overclocked.

I am assuming that the T-800 has some type of hard drive, or file storage system. If it's flash memory, it more than likely is measured by the power supply. If it's a mechanical storage, like the hard drive on a current CPU, i would give it 5-7 years. At 6 years it would start making a ball bearing sound, the write head would eventually fail and ruin the platters, making the machine unusable until the hard drive is replaced, and the operating system restored, unless the T-800 was utilizing back-ups through Skynet, all information it gathered would be lost.

On top of all that, the T-800 is only a series of terminator. You have the T-803, 804, 806, 808, 810, 835 and the 882. They all have different purposes during combat. You also have the upgrade terminators which are model numbers T-850 and the T-888. So unless we choose one specific terminator series to identify, it's kind of like asking "how long will my computer last?" without even letting me know what type of computer you are using.

Of course we will never know what model Arnold actually was, because in T-1 and T-2, he refers to himself as a T-800, but in T-3 he refers to himself as a T-101, but in the special features section of T-3, James Cameron explains that Arnold is a T-850 series, model 101. Evidently models 102, 103 and so forth look like other people besides Arnold.

Would i use kilojoule to describe a Cyborgs age? No. probably not, but you've written your story in the light you want to see. I was just pointing out the fact that you spelled joule, as jewel, and they have two different meanings entirely.

and finally. No i didn't like the way Arnold looked in T-3. In some scenes you could see the make-up caked on, just one more reason i wasn't impressed with T-3, too may plot issues, a main character that was caked in make-up to look like he was younger and too many continuity issues with the story line.

Harrison Ford is one of those people that gets better looking with age, unlike Arnold who just gets older.


Hahaha... Fair enough.

I always thought the cyborg designation was a bit dubious, as the skin and eyes of the T-800 seemed to be just simulations of human tissue, rather than the actual thing.

That is close to the sum total of my knowledge of computers/technology.



DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

FEB 25, 2008 03:38 PM

TheCoolerKing said:

DevilsReject said:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

TheCoolerKing said:


Yep, I misspelled kilojoule... Next you'll tell me that it isn't actually a way to measure a cyborg's age.

and if you gave Terminator 3 a 4/5 i really have no desire to read the rest.


Forget the "rest," I'm curious how you read up to the part you did without realizing I'm ranking the character's believability, age-wise, and not movie quality.



Well, if you want to get technical, the only reason that the T-800 is considered a cyborg and not an android is because of the living tissue on the exterior.

The T-1000, and the T-X are both considered Androids, well actually the T-X is considered a Gynoid because the characteristics of that specific android make her seem to be female, some also use the term Feminoid.

Seeing that the T-800 is of older technology and still runs on a processor, there would be numerous ways to measure it's life expectancy.

I would assume the head of Bill Gates to be preserved in a jar, and the Terminator Operating System would need reset at least once a week, while system updates will make him lag, and sooner or later, one of the system updates will contain a virus that will shut the T-800's system down, either that or he will start shouting "DO YOU WANT A LARGER PENIS? ASK ME HOW!". As with all the movies the T-800 will eventually kill itself.

Now i believe the T-1000 and the T-X to be Unix operating systems, because no matter what kind of beating they take, the operating system still functions. It doesn't scramble, it's updates are actually functional, and with a little knowledge, simple processes can be altered to bring out new functions. Unfortunately, they're still battling a Windows based operating system, the reason the Windows based operating system keeps winning so much is because, people believe the Unix operating systems are "hard to understand" and require too much programming. That and they don't have happy little icons you click, unless you make them.

As far as the life cycle of a Cyborg, kilojoules would probably be only one way to measure it's life expectancy. Seeing that the kilojoule measures heat, electricity and mechanical work, there are many other functions of a T-800 that have to be taken into consideration.

The living tissue on the exterior of the machine is one. Any living tissue has a life expectancy, if you consider "failure" of the living tissue on the exterior of the machine an issue of Cyborg age, then it could be measured in decades, maybe centuries. Seeing the beating the living tissue is taking, with gun shots, fire and other things, i can't see that living tissue lasting 100 years, so decades would probably be a better age measurement.

Then you get into processor clock cycles. Most CPU's life expectancy is measured in clock cycles, if you overclock a CPU, you shorten it's life expectancy. You're running more cycles than what it was manufactured to run. Heat, cold, water, dirt and other such wonderful things come into play with CPU's. I never heard if the processor in a T-800 was overclocked.

I am assuming that the T-800 has some type of hard drive, or file storage system. If it's flash memory, it more than likely is measured by the power supply. If it's a mechanical storage, like the hard drive on a current CPU, i would give it 5-7 years. At 6 years it would start making a ball bearing sound, the write head would eventually fail and ruin the platters, making the machine unusable until the hard drive is replaced, and the operating system restored, unless the T-800 was utilizing back-ups through Skynet, all information it gathered would be lost.

On top of all that, the T-800 is only a series of terminator. You have the T-803, 804, 806, 808, 810, 835 and the 882. They all have different purposes during combat. You also have the upgrade terminators which are model numbers T-850 and the T-888. So unless we choose one specific terminator series to identify, it's kind of like asking "how long will my computer last?" without even letting me know what type of computer you are using.

Of course we will never know what model Arnold actually was, because in T-1 and T-2, he refers to himself as a T-800, but in T-3 he refers to himself as a T-101, but in the special features section of T-3, James Cameron explains that Arnold is a T-850 series, model 101. Evidently models 102, 103 and so forth look like other people besides Arnold.

Would i use kilojoule to describe a Cyborgs age? No. probably not, but you've written your story in the light you want to see. I was just pointing out the fact that you spelled joule, as jewel, and they have two different meanings entirely.

and finally. No i didn't like the way Arnold looked in T-3. In some scenes you could see the make-up caked on, just one more reason i wasn't impressed with T-3, too may plot issues, a main character that was caked in make-up to look like he was younger and too many continuity issues with the story line.

Harrison Ford is one of those people that gets better looking with age, unlike Arnold who just gets older.


Hahaha... Fair enough.

I always thought the cyborg designation was a bit dubious, as the skin and eyes of the T-800 seemed to be just simulations of human tissue, rather than the actual thing.

That is close to the sum total of my knowledge of computers/technology.





The T-600 and T-700, the Terminator series that was utilized prior to the T-800 Arnold terminator, would be considered Androids. Their outer layer was rubbery, and easily detected by humans, so it was harder to conceal themselves in the presence of the general populous. That and the T-600/700 could still be detected by infrared scans, they showed no heat.

This is why Cyberdyne went with living tissue on the outside of the T-800, along with miniature pumps to make heated blood flow through the exterior tissue. This would simulate blood flow from a wound, and it was heated enough that if an infrared detection system was used on it, it would detect heat from the blood flow and the living tissue, and the operator would assume the T-800 to be human.

The living tissue on the exterior of a T-800 will age, and it will eventually begin to deteriorate, and at some point die. This is why T-800's prior to being put into action, are kept in cryogenic storage, to preserve the living tissue on the outside of the machine. That and we all know from Transformers that the only way to slow a machine down completely, is to put it into a deep freeze.

The only detection device of the T-800 was dogs. This is why in the future scenes of all the Terminator movies, you see human troops with German Shepards or other police/military type dogs.

In my opinion, and this being my personal opinion, it would of been better for the story line of T-3 if they just let Arnold show his age, and explained it away with T-1 and T-2 documentation, he was showing age as to make people believe he was human, rather than cover his age by putting pounds and pounds of make up on him. That or explain it as the fact that he was an older T-800 and that his exterior living tissue was 50 or 60 years old, he was sent back in time because he was the best working machine they had.

Yes. I am a dork, and have spent entirely too much time reading about stuff like this. Just remember, Cyborg = partial living tissue/partial machine, like the Borgs or from Star Trek. Android = complete machine, no living tissue, like C3PO from Star Wars.

ckdexterhaven

ckdexterhaven

Redding, CA
December 2005

FEB 25, 2008 08:58 PM

Oy vey.

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