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Small Time Anchor, Big Time Problems

TUESDAY DECEMBER 18 2007 8:00 PM

Submitted by TheCoolerKing. Edited By erin_broadley.

TAGS: Alycia Lane, TV anchor, Philly!, cops, assholes

Usually when I do one of these bash-a-celeb pieces (Or pseudo-celeb... celeb-ish? Let's just say an aspiring celeb-adjacent), there's a fairly good chance that people will attempt to defend the celeb's honor. Someone's a fan, someone thinks their actions were justified, someone paid 11 dollars to watch them skulk around a burned-out NYC and feels unless they say something it'll have been in vain, etc.

That will not happen with this piece. It is beyond the realm of even remote possibility.

PHILLY ANCHOR Alycia Lane is scheduled to appear on TV tomorrow night in "Celebrate the Season," an annual special highlighting holiday cheer in the Delaware Valley. Not so fast.

The suits at CBS 3 and the CW Philly may have to reconsider broadcasting the special since Lane was arrested early yesterday on charges of punching a New York City cop in the face.

According to the police complaint, the Emmy-winning anchor yelled at the female police officer, "I don't give a f--- who you are, I'm a f---ing TV reporter, you f---ing dyke," according to Philadelphiawilldo.com, a Philadelphia Weekly blog.

"I'm a fucking TV reporter." Doesn't really carry the weight of, say "I'm the fucking president," or "I'm the fucking anti-christ." Even a "I'm your worst fucking nightmare," would've been better. Sure, it's less specific, but it doesn't immediately conjure an image of you chuckling for no reason before throwing to the "holiday kittens" story.

And c'mon, everyone knows local TV doesn't count. Maybe her Philly cred would've carried weight back in Philly... in the parking lot of her studio... maybe. Not in NY. I'm not sure Katie Couric gets away with a move like this.

The Daily News exclusively reported Lane's arrest yesterday on PhillyGossip.com. She was nabbed at 2:04 a.m. at 17th Street and 9th Avenue in lower Manhattan, said New York City police spokesman Sgt. Carlos Nieves.

Lane, 35, her current honey, Q102 morning host Chris Booker...

Finally! An actual celebrity! That's what I'm talking about.

I bet he giggled and pushed the button on a "toilet flush" sound effect after she hit the cop.

...and another couple were in a cab behind a slow-moving unmarked cop car, the New York Post reported. One of the males jumped out and headed to the police vehicle, screaming, "I don't care if you're a cop, drive faster!" the newspaper said.

They didn't list this guy's profession. I'm gonna guess "full-time genius." He gets grants to just sit around and use that giant brain of his.

The officers got out and identified themselves to Lane and company, and Lane began to take photos, according to the paper. The female cop asked her to step back and that's when Lane lost it, according to the Post.

You just know that on top of everything, she's a shitty photographer but at cocktail parties will bend your ear about her "art" and to tell you how "different the world seems through a camera lens."

Lane was charged with one count of assault with intent to cause physical injury to an officer, Nieves said.

The 10th Precinct officer suffered laceration wounds to her face, Nieves said.

Later in the story Lane's lawyer denies she struck anyone. That's a tough call, credibility-wise: The word of a lawyer vs. physical proof actually scratched into someone's face. Decisions, decisions...

Lane made national headlines in May when the New York Post reported that she had e-mailed bikini photos of herself to married NFL Network anchor Rich Eisen, which upset his wife, Suzy Shuster. Lane said she and Eisen had been platonic friends for 10 years.

What's Suzy's problem? After all, Lane is a TV reporter! It was probably official TV reporter business, civilians never understand that shit.

Besides, who doesn't send their good friends bikini photos. I know I do. It's called being friendly.

Here's a bonus, Lane's CBS3.com profile.

Star Sign: Taurus -- 100%!!!

Dream Interview: Living or Dead: Dr. Condoleezza Rice; Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Surprisingly, the likelihood of these interviews ever happening are no worse than they were prior to the incident.

First TV appearance: 1997 KSNT-TV Topeka, Kansas -- Washington D.C. Correspondent

Probably okay to go ahead and fill-in the "Last TV Appearance" too.

Why I am a journalist: To make a difference in people's every day lives by educating them on the big and small stories that affect us all -- both locally and globally.

"Oh and to loudly announce to people that I'm a journalist midway through a heinous public display. And for the children!"

Number of pets: 2 dogs
Favorite sports team: I'm a Philly girl now -- The Eagles of course!!!
Favorite author: All three Bronte' sisters

Do they put out a fashion magazine?

TheCoolerKing is a broken down, old man

49 Comments

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Clidna

Emo, ON

January 2005

DEC 19, 2007 11:15 AM

adjunct said:

TheCoolerKing said:

adjunct said:
CoolerKing, srsly. You took a story that has been the laughing stock of an entire city, an event so ridiculous that it caused the Governor of the state to personally call in to one of the most hated sports talk shows in the country to comment, the last in a long line of absurd publicity gaffes from an embarassing anchorbot, and you came up with this? I mean, srsly.

Um, I'm honestly not sure what you're saying... Me mocking a story a day after it broke is really that hard to fathom? Or, what, exactly? It's not like it's the talk of a nation. Pick up a non-philly paper if you can...

Or maybe go listen to the Governer's take again, if that's more yer style. Really, I won't be offended...

You managed to unfunny a carnival of stupidity while also apparently missing a day and a half worth of news on the story. I know you've got to pad the quota and all, but ....

Srsly, TCK, you really need to just stop doing the job that people are apparently so jealous of. Srsly.

Clidna

Emo, ON

January 2005

DEC 19, 2007 11:15 AM

ohash said:
Was there any mention of her being drunk? Because seriously?..who shouts out that kind of egotistical blather unless they are either drunk on booze or drunk on power. And I promise you, she doesn't have enough power to be drunk on that.

Some people are cheap drunks

adjunct

Philadelphia, PA

July 2002

DEC 19, 2007 12:23 PM

Clidna said:
Srsly, TCK, you really need to just stop doing the job that people are apparently so jealous of. Srsly.

If someone else has a job out there where I can rehash outdated news stories while missing the actual humorous elements, I'll take .... oh. I see you're my competition.

CategoryError

Delta, BC

September 2006

DEC 19, 2007 01:49 PM

"Even a "I'm your worst fucking nightmare," would've been better."

I laughed.

Postblank

New Brunswick, NJ

June 2004

DEC 19, 2007 02:05 PM

I'm glad she's getting pulled, she's TurboCunt 3000 based on what several people that worked in that station told me.

SirPsychoSexy

Ridgewood, NJ

January 2004

DEC 19, 2007 02:21 PM

Clidna said:

adjunct said:

TheCoolerKing said:

You managed to unfunny a carnival of stupidity while also apparently missing a day and a half worth of news on the story. I know you've got to pad the quota and all, but ....

Srsly, TCK, you really need to just stop doing the job that people are apparently so jealous of. Srsly.

srsly.

Faytal_Kraydel

Upper Darby, PA

November 2007

DEC 19, 2007 03:28 PM

I read about this in the local paper the other day, and general consensus of the city (or at least those I've talked to) is: lolz

emperorreagan

Baltimore, MD

January 2004

DEC 19, 2007 09:16 PM

RudieCantFail said:

emperorreagan said:
While I'm all for anyone that wants to punch a cop in the face...

Well that's a brilliant attitude.

Because, of course, all cops are just authoritarian assholes out to ruin your good time.

Just maybe the point of the statement was to be contrarian, given theCoolerKing's statement prefacing the article:

Someone's a fan, someone thinks their actions were justified, someone paid 11 dollars to watch them skulk around a burned-out NYC and feels unless they say something it'll have been in vain, etc.

That will not happen with this piece. It is beyond the realm of even remote possibility.

jatibb

I'm lost

February 2007

DEC 20, 2007 06:49 AM

ms. lane. i know reporters and you, mam, are no reporter

TheFly

Eagle Springs, NC

November 2003

DEC 20, 2007 08:05 AM

scylis said:
i don't get it. but then, i'm mostly Dutch. as a lad, the impression was given that dykes were there to be fingered so that you could become the town hero.

Sadly, I know four people right off that wouldn't get that.

EditCrazyDJ

I'm lost

December 2007

DEC 20, 2007 12:16 PM

700 000 a year! and willing to fight like a ny'er!

Bip

Washington, DC

January 2006

DEC 30, 2007 07:27 AM

They didn't list this guy's profession. I'm gonna guess "full-time genius."

This job is not as easy as one would think. I tried it in 2003 but had to give it up because of the monthly Hawking commitment. I just could'nt handle it.

crispy

NEWSWIRE

Philadelphia, PA

JAN 07, 2008 02:18 PM

She's been fired ... um, I mean, "Released from her contract."

CBS 3 (KYW-TV) announced today that Alycia Lane has been released from her contract effective immediately.

CBS 3 President and General Manager Michael Colleran stated, "After assessing the overall impact of a series of incidents resulting from judgments she has made, we have concluded that it would be impossible for Alycia to continue to report the news as she, herself, has become the focus of so many news stories. We wish to make clear that we are not prejudging the outcome of the criminal case against Alycia that is pending in New York. We understand that Alycia expects to be fully vindicated in that proceeding. We hope that is the case and we wish her the best in all her future endeavors."