I'm really asking. And I'd love nothing more than for you to reply with a detailed list of reasons that shows me exactly what I've been missing.

Obviously, I'm not a fan. But, I'd be happy to put all that aside, for some hard answers. I'll put away my feelings toward his manufactured street-vibe, the bland on-screen energy, the piss poor rap for nine-year-olds. I'm happy to forget all of that, for some answers, some closure and dare I say it, some understanding...

The idea that this humongous gulf separates me (and a few others) and the rest of the planet, has become far too unsettling to manage. How can we be so different? Are we not both flesh and bone? Do we not bleed when stuck and laugh when 30 Rocked? I understand hatred, selfishness, murder, even... but not this.

I've got to know. Why do you welcome his middle-of-the-roadness with open arms? Why do you line his pockets for the chance to witness his "fast-talking" hilarity? Am I asking too much? Being too picky? I mean, we've seen examples of funny people. People who can act, and act well. It can be done, there's countless movies that prove it. Why isn't he also expected to do these things?

Logistically, the idea that he has something to blackmail every single person on Earth with, sounds ridiculous. I'm begining to wonder if I'm wrong. Did Will discover that we were all descended from slugs? Is that the secret he swore to keep, in exchange for a career saying, "Oh, hell no."

This isn't me being a sarcastic dick. I mean, sure, that's part of it. But beyond that, I'd like this to be different than the usual "me mocking something, some of you agreeing and some of you attacking back" thing. At the end of this, I'd either like you to see the error of your ways, or, I'd like to be convinced.

I'll even do my best to get you started. I can't think of more than a few half-baked reasons, not even enough for a proper list, but here's what I got.

- He's tall and good looking. Is that it? I'll concede those two points, but, doesn't it take more? I mean nobody's lining up to see any Ted McGinley movies. (Yeah, I know. Apparently I'm also in need of examples of tall, good looking people.)

- People enjoy the slick, wise-cracking black guy character. That's true, but, aren't there plenty of actual black guys available? It's not like they haven't invented Chris Tucker yet. Or Method Man. Or, the self-described "cocky black chaeffuer from Die Hard. That guy was awesome, and I'd lay down at least fifty bucks that says anything Smith can do, that guy could do just as well. And that includes his Ali impression.

- People have a misguided, nostalgia-based fondness for his crappy sitcom. This group is a few hundred people at best, not enough to account for his worldwide dominance.

- Most people are dumb and ask very little of their entertainment. And they like people who smile at them. Hmmm. That's impossible, right?

That's all I could come up with. Tell me I'm wrong. Show me I'm wrong. I'm begging you. Explain this sadistic hold he has over you... or send him away.

Soon he will have ruined one of my favorite books, I Am Legend. It's a matter of days now, and there's nothing we can do to stop it, this time... I'm asking you now, where does it end? When do we say enough?




TheCoolerKing is also wondering why they seem to have taken all the vampires out of "I Am Legend" and replaced them with the monsters from "28 Days Later."