News > Celeb > Meet the Douchebag!

commentary
TUESDAY OCTOBER 2 2007 8:00 PM

You may've heard that noted creep and "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis is in jail. Apparently the charge was guilty of being a piece of shit? I don't know, I'm not a lawyer. Now, instead of just ducking his head and going about his douche-battle for freedom in privacy, he's created a website hoping to win you over.

It takes a lot for me to side with with religious wack-jobs, and the ones going after Francis have somehow managed the task.

The site is loaded with goofy "headshots" which do their best to portray Francis as a charming, fun-loving dude. Not the kind of "head shots," I'd hope we'd be talking about in a story involving Francis, but, hey you can't have everything...

The site contains a section detailing His Story. It is 18 pages long. Eighteen. Surely the heroic act of him having been born and all his legendary deeds since that fateful day, could've been relayed in, oh, some number less than 18 pages? I think so.

There's also a photo gallery, for all your Joe Francis-photo needs. Like, for example, if you were a particularly unscrupulous charades player, and you needed to get your team to say, "shit-bag," you could point to one of these photos.

There's also a FAQ section. Here's me taking cheap shots at that section:

Q: How did you come up with the name "Girls Gone Wild"?
A: Once I had the first tape edited together, I knew I needed a catchy name. During a cross-country flight, I took out a legal pad and just started brainstorming. I love being creative, so I spent hours writing and scratching out hundreds of names. I finally settled on "College Girls Gone Wild" - and then, at the last minute, I crossed out the word "College" and circled the words "Girls Gone Wild." I had my brand.

Wow, I really feel sorry for those people who got to witness the signing of the Magna Carta or the creation of the Mona Lisa, or more recently, those who watched the great Muhammad Ali in the ring. It really is a shame they don't let you pick the "legendary moments" to witness. Sad, how they were forced to go through life, so much the poorer for never having heard the tale of Joe's momentous feat.

Also, he "loves being creative," and yet it took him over several hundred tries to come up with the title, "Girls Gone Wild." But, remember, he loves being creative.

Q: Why do you think all those girls are willing to flash for your cameras?
A: I think its a couple of things. First, girls enjoy attention. Its a simple female trait that the average girl needs and deserves a healthy amount of attention. Second, its a form of expression. College-age girls are beginning to enjoy their independence, and flashing is a way of saying, "This is my body, Im proud of it and I dont mind giving you a chance to admire it." Its as simple as that, really. I dont think its a sexual act. I honestly think its just an expression of fun and freedom.

Ah yes, alcohol and drug-fueled, instantly regrettable, underage... freedom. Oh, you girls and your endless desire for attention! Joe sure has figured it all out.

Q: Do you see yourself ever settling down and getting married?
A: Absolutely. Im a romantic guy, and I am really looking forward to starting a family.

Awwwwww! Right ladies? Such a softie!

Q: Does your job allow you to have sex with a lot of girls?
A: Well, its not because of my job; I dont use my job in that way. I guess the correct answer is "as many as possible." Im not always successful, but I probably deserve an "A" for effort. My philosophy is that it never hurts to ask...

Fucking high five, brah!

...But as the brother of three sisters, I know very well that "No" means "No."

Yes, because that's the only situation where you'd ever learn that lesson.

Q: Do you really have a private jet?
A: Yes. I took my first ride in a private jet about six years ago, and found the freedom of the whole experience so amazing that I bought a Falcon jet three weeks later.

Who's asking these question, a fucking six-year-old? Hey, Joe, have you ever met a real live fireman?

Q: Do angry dads, brothers or boyfriends come after you?
A: Its only happened once. In our second year of business, a gentleman called our offices. When I answered, he said, "Who is this?" I told him, and he said, "Did my daughter flash for your cameras?" I looked up the paperwork on his daughter and said, "Yes. Im looking at her signed release. How can I help you?" There was a long silence, and finally he said, "Well, I guess she wanted to do it, or she wouldnt have done it." I agreed, and he said, "Long as I have you on the phone, do you think you could send me some free videos?"

See folks, completely fabricated situations don't lie. This fictional gentleman from made-up-land would surely attest to that.

Joe goes on to describe how women are like cats, explain which part of the country has the hottest chicks, and talk about his desire to have a family.

The most shocking thing about all of this? He actually built this site to help his cause.

TheCoolerking seems to be drinking far too much coffee lately. He also sometimes types the word "coffee," when he means, "whisky."

PAGE:

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

... 12

Comments

Kanner

New Zealand

September 2007

OCT 03, 2007 12:14 AM

pagzsaid:

I appreciate that TheCoolerKing doesn't like Joe Francis, who does? But his article is one sided, completely biased, and entirely without any journalistic integrity of any kind.

So he's reached cable T.V news standards of journalism then?

Pagz

Victoria, BC

March 2005

OCT 03, 2007 12:15 AM

DevilsReject said:

No offense man. But if i am going to read about the legal history of Joe Francis i am not going to do it on Joe Francis' website.

Good for you, neither would I.

Eala

I'm lost

July 2007

OCT 03, 2007 12:21 AM

Pagz said:
I love how this has become a debate about the morality of GGW, and that no one has taken the time to actually read the legalities of this case. Sure, it's fun to call Joe Francis a douchebag, and he is one, but that's not what this article is supposedly about. This man has been in jail for months, and do any of you have any idea why? did any of you even bother to read? or did you all just decide to jump on the douchebag band wagon?

If anyone in this thread had actually bothered to read the legal history of what's been happening, no one would be talking about drunk girls doing stupid shit, they'd be talking about the incredible misuse of power and authority and the unlawful mistreatment and incarceration of a human being. Not a good human being, but a human being none the less.

.... except that CoolerKing focused his article on his opinion of Francis, not on the issue presented by the legal proceedings.

That said... I agree; the issue here IS the legal proceedings, not the arguable morality of GGW. Besides, who are we to argue morality? Surely we are all aware that there are people in this world who consider SG blashphemous - artistic or not. Yet, we are here because we enjoy it, for whatever reason. It is really inconceivable that there might be people - girls, even - in this world who enjoy participating in GGW?

As for their level of intoxication, I think telly1138 is right in bringing up personal responsibility. It seems a thing of the past these days (the prime example being people blaming fast food for their expanding girths, instead of just learning to choose healthier food). Somebody mentioned the girls being "fed" drinks - are they held down and forced to swallow? Grow a spine if you don't want to do something! So they "lack confidence" - can that really be blamed on GGW? It's not the responsibility of anyone, particularly not a stranger or business, to coddle you. We are not their keepers.

Kindle

Houston, TX

March 2006

OCT 03, 2007 12:21 AM

DevilsReject said:

Pagz said:
If anyone in this thread had actually bothered to read the legal history of what's been happening, no one would be talking about drunk girls doing stupid shit, they'd be talking about the incredible misuse of power and authority and the unlawful mistreatment and incarceration of a human being. Not a good human being, but a human being none the less.

No offense man. But if i am going to read about the legal history of Joe Francis i am not going to do it on Joe Francis' website.

Here here!

MessyJessy

Fort Myers, FL

August 2005

OCT 03, 2007 12:22 AM

jquincy said:

Saeta said:
the fact that the two are even being compaired kind of makes me want to vomit in bily and jquincy's internet faces.

all this is an effort to justify your own hypocrisy. do you really think missy suicide would have the bank statement she no doubt has, if all of you were dressed? do you really think anybody would PAY to see something they can step out their front doors and see non-stop for free? do you really think what you're doing is that novel?

Hypocrisy? What the fuck are you babbling about?

How do you not understand the difference between signing a contract while sober and signing one after becoming inebriated? And if you even possibly argue that GGW and SG are remotely similar artistically you should really think about reinvesting that membership fee.

telly1138

USA

February 2006

OCT 03, 2007 12:28 AM

PMunk said:
That is all I feel like typing OTHER THAN there really should be ONE space after a period. People use to use two spaces when using a typewriter back in the day because the leading of a type writer's "." was small and required an extra space to differentiate discontinuity between characters. The use of word processors has eliminated the need to do so (One or Two Spaces?). But we were all taught in school (incorrectly if you are not using a typewriter) to use two spaces after a period. Yes, people argue this to the end, but as a Typographer, like many, it is one.

Huh... learn something every day. Still, it feels wrong to use only one space. And since spaces are free, I'll keep using two until someone shoots me between the eyes for doing such.

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH

February 2007

OCT 03, 2007 12:34 AM

Pagz said:

DevilsReject said:

No offense man. But if i am going to read about the legal history of Joe Francis i am not going to do it on Joe Francis' website.

Good for you, neither would I.

Cool, i should rephrase that then.

The section between the arrows is a little more than how much i care about Joe Francis in jail, as a human being, as anything.

~~~~~~~~><~~~~~~~~~~

That section between the arrows is also how much time i will actually spend researching his story.

Even if his rights are being intruded upon, i still don't care, the man means nothing to me. I will choose better things to fight for.