Meet the Douchebag!
You may've heard that noted creep and "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis is in jail. Apparently the charge was guilty of being a piece of shit? I don't know, I'm not a lawyer. Now, instead of just ducking his head and going about his douche-battle for freedom in privacy, he's created a website hoping to win you over.
It takes a lot for me to side with with religious wack-jobs, and the ones going after Francis have somehow managed the task.
The site is loaded with goofy "headshots" which do their best to portray Francis as a charming, fun-loving dude. Not the kind of "head shots," I'd hope we'd be talking about in a story involving Francis, but, hey you can't have everything...
The site contains a section detailing His Story. It is 18 pages long. Eighteen. Surely the heroic act of him having been born and all his legendary deeds since that fateful day, could've been relayed in, oh, some number less than 18 pages? I think so.
There's also a photo gallery, for all your Joe Francis-photo needs. Like, for example, if you were a particularly unscrupulous charades player, and you needed to get your team to say, "shit-bag," you could point to one of these photos.
There's also a FAQ section. Here's me taking cheap shots at that section:
Q: How did you come up with the name "Girls Gone Wild"?
A: Once I had the first tape edited together, I knew I needed a catchy name. During a cross-country flight, I took out a legal pad and just started brainstorming. I love being creative, so I spent hours writing and scratching out hundreds of names. I finally settled on "College Girls Gone Wild" - and then, at the last minute, I crossed out the word "College" and circled the words "Girls Gone Wild." I had my brand.
Wow, I really feel sorry for those people who got to witness the signing of the Magna Carta or the creation of the Mona Lisa, or more recently, those who watched the great Muhammad Ali in the ring. It really is a shame they don't let you pick the "legendary moments" to witness. Sad, how they were forced to go through life, so much the poorer for never having heard the tale of Joe's momentous feat.
Also, he "loves being creative," and yet it took him over several hundred tries to come up with the title, "Girls Gone Wild." But, remember, he loves being creative.
Q: Why do you think all those girls are willing to flash for your cameras?
A: I think its a couple of things. First, girls enjoy attention. Its a simple female trait that the average girl needs and deserves a healthy amount of attention. Second, its a form of expression. College-age girls are beginning to enjoy their independence, and flashing is a way of saying, "This is my body, Im proud of it and I dont mind giving you a chance to admire it." Its as simple as that, really. I dont think its a sexual act. I honestly think its just an expression of fun and freedom.
Ah yes, alcohol and drug-fueled, instantly regrettable, underage... freedom. Oh, you girls and your endless desire for attention! Joe sure has figured it all out.
Q: Do you see yourself ever settling down and getting married?
A: Absolutely. Im a romantic guy, and I am really looking forward to starting a family.
Awwwwww! Right ladies? Such a softie!
Q: Does your job allow you to have sex with a lot of girls?
A: Well, its not because of my job; I dont use my job in that way. I guess the correct answer is "as many as possible." Im not always successful, but I probably deserve an "A" for effort. My philosophy is that it never hurts to ask...
Fucking high five, brah!
...But as the brother of three sisters, I know very well that "No" means "No."
Yes, because that's the only situation where you'd ever learn that lesson.
Q: Do you really have a private jet?
A: Yes. I took my first ride in a private jet about six years ago, and found the freedom of the whole experience so amazing that I bought a Falcon jet three weeks later.
Who's asking these question, a fucking six-year-old? Hey, Joe, have you ever met a real live fireman?
Q: Do angry dads, brothers or boyfriends come after you?
A: Its only happened once. In our second year of business, a gentleman called our offices. When I answered, he said, "Who is this?" I told him, and he said, "Did my daughter flash for your cameras?" I looked up the paperwork on his daughter and said, "Yes. Im looking at her signed release. How can I help you?" There was a long silence, and finally he said, "Well, I guess she wanted to do it, or she wouldnt have done it." I agreed, and he said, "Long as I have you on the phone, do you think you could send me some free videos?"
See folks, completely fabricated situations don't lie. This fictional gentleman from made-up-land would surely attest to that.
Joe goes on to describe how women are like cats, explain which part of the country has the hottest chicks, and talk about his desire to have a family.
The most shocking thing about all of this? He actually built this site to help his cause.
TheCoolerking seems to be drinking far too much coffee lately. He also sometimes types the word "coffee," when he means, "whisky."
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Comments
choster
I'm lost
January 2007
OCT 02, 2007 08:09 PM
bily
Ann Arbor, MI
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Elly
SUICIDEGIRL
South Carolina, USA
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bluepastures
Santa Barbara, CA
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Gringo
Spokane, WA
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San Francisco, CA
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San Francisco, CA
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Seachelles
SUICIDEGIRL
USA
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bily
Ann Arbor, MI
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jquincy
Dallas, TX
August 2005
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Chicago, IL
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Subrosa
San Francisco, CA
July 2004
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_Rae_
Tempe, AZ
September 2006
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