When I saw this story on dlisted, I almost couldn't believe it. David Letterman, long beloved as a bastion of mainstream, "safe" humor and pleasant celebrity interviews, basically just called Paris Hilton a dirty little slut, then verbally beat her like a red headed stepchild on national TV. Look!



Things I love about this interview

1. In a satire of everyone who's interviewed her in the past, he says "How'd you like being in jail?...God that was a horrible thing, wasn't that just horrible?" Before Paris can re-gift her canned answers, the audience laughs at a joke everyone but her is in on. It's not what he says, but how he says it...he questions her with deadpan faux-sincerity that goes far beyond his usual "LOOK AT ME I'M BEING FUNNY" demeanor.

2. He uses the word "scurvy," one of my favorite words ever.

3. He rubs it in her face that Nicole only spent forty-five minutes in the clink.

4. This one is easy to miss because it's mainly set-up for what comes next...but when she tells him she was born in New York, he responds with "good for you!" Though she eventually realizes he's fucking with her, I doubt she caught that barb...because for Paris, being born was an accomplishment.

5. After she tries to steer the topic over to her current "projects," he tells her:

What? Did he just highlight her life's utter vacuity and call her out on her failure to deliver on promises of charitable projects both at once? Yes, yes he did.

6. In the same tone of voice you'd use on a five-year-old, he asks "do you know what you did?" Points off for laughing at his own joke, though.

7. He won't stop when she tells him to! She keeps looking off to the right to see if anyone is going to tackle him, and, finding herself alone, squirms in her seat like a little kid, then pouts in a hilarious self-caricature.

8. Without skipping a beat, he asks if her heckler is somebody she met in prison.

9. He drinks the bitch's perfume, as if to say "You picked out the bottle yourself? O RLY?" This also calls attention to the fact that perfume is just alcohol you rub on yourself.

10. Even when Dave lets her talk about her "projects," the audience cannot stop laughing at the elaborate, postmodern joke that is her existence.

The reason I write about this shit, and the reason any self-respecting comedian performs satire on current events, is to make us laugh at the same time that we realize the sheer absurdity of the world around us, and maybe decide to do something about it. This was, I hope, the Paris Hilton interview to end all Paris Hilton interviews. In the wake of this dressing-down, the bitch would have to be crazy to do another one until after she actually accomplishes something. She probably will anyway, but one can only dream.

Now go read some real blogs and find out what's happening in Iraq.