This is it, the bottom of the barrel. You won't find a more offensive batch of "orientals" than these right here.

This is not a bitter, angry list. I actually like some of these characters, though no one could argue the fact that they're terrible. I don't know why, (especially considering I was called one or more of these character names growing up) but, characters like these really do make me laugh. Not intentionally (obviously) but the fact that someone actually wrote them... with their brazen, completely un-PC traits...

Maybe 'cause at one time, they were all there was? I used to have a joke, in answer to another friend's complaints about the lack of black role models around, that all asians had was Bruce Lee... followed by Pat Morita from The Karate Kid ... and uh, after him was Pat Morita from "Happy Days"... Not exactly an all-star super hero team-up...

I draw a line betwen ignorance and racism and, well, ignorance is funny. Somebody not knowing how bad these guys were is fucking hilarious to me.


The 9 Worst Asian Characters of All Time


1) Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I'm too lazy to look it up, but I think this same kid was the "gadget" geek in Goonies.

He actually drives a pedicab/rickshaw in this movie, but his legs don't reach the pedals so he's got wooden blocks on his shoes. Ahh, I guess I know why they call you Short Round, Short Round. Coming up short in height, as well as dignity. What was it you said,"No time for love, Dr. Jones"? If only it was your tiny simian head Jones had torn into, rather than those frozen monkey brains.

2) Mickey Rooney as the upstairs neighbor from Breakfast at Tiffany's. He actually donned a pair of "asian-eye" specs for the role. What about broken English? Fear not, it's more broken than the hearts of every asian man who auditioned for that role. Although, my gut tells me that the number of asian auditioners was none.

Part of me really looks forward to the day Daniel Day Kim plays James Dean in a biopic with "round eye" glasses, white-face, and a slice of apple pie in his hand.

3) Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles. When a "gong" sound announces your arrival on the scene, the odds are fairly high that you're not a great asian character. Other not great signs are an intolerance to alcohol, a habit of getting kicked in the nuts, and your presence, naked, high in a tree on the morning of your white family's big important wedding. The "Donger need food!" indeed.

4) Trade Federation alien bad guys from Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. The absolute worst. Asian-style clothes and a Death Star's worth of broken "Engrish." I'm surprised they weren't wearing rice hats, solving equations, and driving the wrong way down a one way street. Believe it or not, these guys aren't even one of the 3 most racist characters in the movie.

5) Takashi from Revenge of the Nerds. Why Takashi, you ask? Well, at one point he asks to eat some "robster craws." At another he's mixing a huge bin of dirty jock straps with a spoon when he exclaims "Ahh, is like salad."

When he answers no to the jock's question of whether he knows karate he gets a jock strap put on his head. Classic asian-stereotype mistake...

6) Kwai Chang Cane from "Kung Fu." Let's take an awesome show idea, fire the guy who developed it as a passion project, then get a white guy to star in it. Um, you know, a "squinty," one... Clint Eastwood or... David Carradine! Yeah, perfect.

Oh, who did we let go? Whose idea was it, the guy that we fired? Bruce Lee.

7) Wong, Dr. Strange's manservant. Doctor Strange, for those of you who grew up handome and playing sports, is the Sorceror Supreme of the Marvel Comics universe. Heck of an existence. Picking up the Doc's laundry, keeping the Mansion tidy... oh, and getting the shit beat out of him every time some supervillain decided to come a calling.

How hard would it be for Strange to teach him a few self-defense spells to fend off interlopers? Who knows, cause the Doc can't be bothered. Too busy gazing into his precious Eye of Agamotto, which as we all know, isn't slanty.

8) Any Jackie Chan character from an American film, including Jackie himself during any appearances on an American talk shows. Sorry kung fu fans, he's an asian "Uncle Tom."

Nodding, grinning ear to ear like a moron, and happy to kick and punch on cue, no different than a trained animal. At least the animals got treats, all Jackie got was a handshake and a poor showing at the box office. Blisswully unaware of the host's jokes flying up and over his head, sadly, they were the one oppenent too fast for him to block.

9) Tom Cruise from The Last Samurai. Remember that formula that worked so well for David Carradine? Let's do that again, only this time we won't even bother making the character asian. White guy in samurai armor and gear who, like, kills a bunch of asians and then teaches them to get along, or something.

But, he's the last samurai, okay? It's got to be him, no one else. If we have to we can make the asian guy the "last railroad worker"? Is that cool?


Honorable mention: The "Howard Cosell" asians from Better Off Dead, asian nail salon ladies from "Seinfeld," Rob Fukuzaki.



TheCoolerKing does not know karate but his dad does.