You don't get to do whatever you want. Seems fairly obvious but some people have a hard time grasping this fact.

As much as you'd like to always "follow your dream" and "live in the moment," there are times when you really shouldn't.

An example would be... you probably shouldn't greet the stork with a handshake and a hearty hello when a day later you were planning to pay the ferryman for a boat ride across the river Styx...

Good for him! That scenario, I mean. It's good for him and for absolutely no one else.

How about funnyman of yore, Tony Randall, he became a dad at the ripe old age of 79. The old guy, he still had it in 'im! Well, for a little while anyways, he died five years later. Man, who saw that coming! Just bad luck, I guess.

Warren Beatty had a kid at 63. Paul McCartney had one at 62. And the list goes on and on.

Hef actually has four other kids. Now, as stellar of a job as he might've done with the others, father of the year trophies piling up and whatnot, I don't think he should be having a child at the age of eighty-fucking-one. I also believe that other people should feel this way, speak up about it, and shame him into getting spayed.

There's probably a reason why women have a harder time conceiving as they get older, and I'm not sure that reason is so that older dudes have an excuse to fuck young girls.

Fathers? Nope. These guys are basically machines that churn out orphans and single moms. What a great idea. Your withered shell of a carcass gets to play pattycake a few times before shuffling off this mortal coil and leaving behind a kid who will never know its father.

As tempting as it must be to have the chance to yell at someone who looks just like you, I think maybe adopting a kid is the best way to proceed here. Or, getting an animal of some sort. Or, perhaps, being content to continue fucking women decades younger than you until such time as Pluto calls to you from his murky depths...

You don't start sculpting a statue if you're only going to be able to finish the leg (sculptors, feel free to correct me here.) You wouldn't intentionally build half a car would you? Fuck, would you? I'm actually not sure. My analogies are suddenly failing me for some reason...

Maybe I don't need an analogy. Maybe fathering a kid when you have a maximum of five years left on the planet being a horrible idea is plain enough for everyone to see. I bet Tony Randall's eight-year-old agrees with me.



TheCoolerKing continues to not get his pieces done in time for a photo.