It really has come to this. I believe sitcom stars should be taken away at the end of their show's run, and locked up. Or exiled to a far off island somewhere, with areas that are mocked up to look like their respective shows, ala Westworld.

It is simply too damaging to my memory of them to allow them to run around living their lives and occasionally popping up on my radar. I'm sorry, but they've lost the right to coexist with us.

We're familiar with the countless examples of child star's lives hitting the skids and tarnishing classic show's legacies. More recently the Michael Richard's situation, which has been talked to death. But what's largely been avoided is the real victims... people who'd like to continue to enjoy Seinfeld reruns without pondering the nature of racism.

Now there's this:

Now I have to think about Eddie Haskell, struggling through his twilight years while getting ripped off by SAG? C'mon, what happened?! It wasn't supposed to end like this, but, more importantly, I wasn't supposed to hear about it.

I gotta say, I don't know if he's in the right, but I'm guessing bearing a strong resemblance to "Eddie Haskell," while arguing in court can't work in your favor.

Other scenarios where resembling Eddie Haskell wouldn't work in your favor? Adulthood, Earth, and the Milky Way galaxy...

I actually enjoy the show, and now I can look forward to picturing a shawl-covered, broken down, old man Eddie eating a dinner of crackers and dirt cause SAG won't cough up his money, every time I tune in.

Then there's this:

I honestly could've gone forever without hearing this. It's just... weird. The Greg/Carol hook-up was strike one and this, horrible detail, is two. Please, no beastiality revelation for Alice and Tiger.

I don't know which is sadder, the fact that this happened or the fact that she made this up in a sad attempt to sell more books. I'll admit, I'm less bothered here 'cause I'm not really a fan, but I'm pretty sure at least once in the next month I'll be tempted to watch an episode while fighting through a hangover. And now I'll have to flip the channel, hoping for a similar dose of haze-clearing schmaltz from an episode of Bewitched or possibly, Magnum PI.

For awhile sitcom stars, we've been kind enough to tolerate your wishes of a life outside the box in my living room. That time is clearly coming to an end. I'm sorry.

Of course, I'm only referring here to "classic" sitcom stars. Debra Messing, feel free to continue sucking, starving, and spelling your name incorrectly for as long as you like. Two and a Half Men cast members, you're free to mix with the general populace. Sorry in advance for all the hate-filled looks.

So, yeah, if you're interested, I'm starting a vigilante group to hunt these characters down and ship 'em off. I figure once we knock off Mr. T and Larry Hagman, the rest will fall in line.




TheCoolerKing regrets not being able to work a reference to George Peppard into this piece...