I’ll admit it—I’m an award show junkie. I plan little parties around them, spend $150 dollars at the grocery store buying prosciutto and figs and avocados and cheesecakes and invite my posse ‘round to watch the Globes, the Emmys or the Oscars. Typically the evening devolves into me shrieking at my friends for inevitably growing weary of the 4 hours of red-carpet and 3 hours of actual show. When non award-show words like “healthcare system” and “Darfur” start popping up, I shut that conversation down until I hear everyone’s take on the state of Helen Mirren’s breasts in her gown or the fact that Kate Walsh’s voice is irritating and reedy or that even though Eva Longoria is on a gigantic hit television show, she’s not actually famous and most of America couldn’t identify her.
My friends, as you might imagine, hate me.
But I’m slowly realizing that they might be on to something when they roll their eyes at my Emmy Party E-vite. Sure, it’s mostly because I demand that every guest don a gown or a tux, but this year I finally understood that it’s more than that.
Namely, that award shows are…..what is it?
Ah, yes.
BORING.
Throw one in a theater in the round! Invite everyone’s favorite animated evil-baby and talking-dog to open the show! Create a sing-off between two guys and—get this—have the NON-singer win! Throw some wacky outfits on Seacrest!
No.
It still doesn’t work.
And that’s because it’s boring. And THAT’S because famous people, when not given scripted things to say, are dull. Even Ellen goddamn DeGeneres hid behind her ‘award-show cam’ and turned us on our ear by filming US! Oh, the cleverness! I mean, when the interestingness of the entire 3 (plus) hours lies in trying to figure out if we just saw some inadvertent Joely Fisher areola, you know things are going downhill.
Well, that might be fascinating regardless of the event, but still.
Now, because I’m a girl and this is what girls do, I feel it’s important to notate a few salient details in the gown/hair/makeup category.

Warning: The following list is about ultra shallow girl shit and I might use words like “updo” or “cut on the bias” so all you ultra-ironic hipsters who are far too cool for school might want to go listen to a Decemberists song or something.

Please feel free to join us when you’re ready.

1. Ellen looked about as comfortable wearing that tassel necklace as Jodie foster does saying “my boyfriend” in The Brave One trailer.

2. Hasn’t Helen Mirren won roughly 17 Emmys this year alone? One might think she could hire a professional instead of cutting her own hair with a Flowbee.
3. It’s almost TOO obvious, but was that some JBF hair on Kate Walsh or did her stylist have a stroke? I know she’s a newlywed and all, but copulating in the limo is in poor taste.
4. Rebecca Romijn (O’Connell) looked like a man. If a man dressed up like a girl trying to look like Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. I mean, I know she plays a tranny on Ugly Betty, but this is taking ‘Method’ acting to a new level.
5. Ellen’s current live-in lover, Portia di Rossi, is really bordering on Catwoman lips.

6. Don’t hate me, but I really dug Vanessa Williams’ dress. I know that she’s usually totally insane, and that fright wig fiasco was something out of National Geographic, but amidst all those safe and/or boring gowns, I really thought this feathery, mint number was fun. Plus it’s fun to call a color “mint”.
7. Mariska Hargitay enjoyed top honors for the world’s most vile haircut.

Tied only by Diane Lane’s recent liberating chop. Actually, now that I research Di-Di’s do, I think she takes the taco. And please don’t tell me it’s for charity. World freaking PEACE isn’t worth that heinosity.
8. Ben Vereen wore full-on dangly earrings. He was one of the 98 people on stage for Roots. Didn’t know which one was him? Here’s a hint: HE WAS THE GROWN MAN IN A SUIT WEARING DANGLY EARRINGS.
9. Much as I adore Tina Fey and much as I fully applaud and agree with her win for best comedy, the poor girl looked like her own grandmother. I mean, a low, curled bun and a black dress with a neck sash? Really, Tina? I know you’re “smart” but shouldn’t that mean you’re “smart” enough to hire a stylist?
10. Dear Kimora Lee Simmons and Carson Kressley: You are both has-beens and no one cares about either one of you. Which is particularly impressive for you, Kimmy because this is only the second time I’ve ever seen you on television. Love, Audie.

Ok.
Done.
Boys—come on back!
So let’s see. Tony Bennett is 100 and only getting pity Emmys, Jersey Boys not only has nothing to do with The Sopranos, but they would be exactly the kind of Fanooks that Tony, Paulie and Christopher would beat the shit out of, and Ryan Seacrest is gay.
I mean, why doesn’t he just BE gay? His compliments to various women on the red carpet were so amazingly awkward that it was painful to watch. They went something like this:
Famous Person: Hiya, Ryan!
RS: Oooooooh, girlfriend, you are positively POURED into that dress and I’m absolutely LOVING it!
FP: Gee….thanks?
RS: Is that……Badgley Mischka? Wait, no. It’s GOTTA be Dior. Huneeeee—I’m never wrong when it comes to fashion. (snaps his fingers in a wild, horizontal snap)
FP: Good luck hosting, Ryan. Gotta go!
RS: What I wouldn’t do with an hour with you in that fabulous (sssss) dress!

Does he really want to rip her dress off? Or maybe just tailor it for her. It’s unclear. I just know that in the past he’s done a semi-decent job at not trying to act ultra straight to make up for his obvious gayness but I’m afraid he’ really slipped.
Nevertheless, he is the hardest working man in show business.
Also, can people who make “shows” stop trying new shit? Fifty different party suites didn’t work for the VMA’s and a 360 degree stage doesn’t work for the Emmys. Stop trying to re-invent the wheel and just make your boring, typical show the same boring, typical way you always make it, and let us be bored in the typical way we want to be bored.

And in conclusion, what was Al Gore’s award for? Biggest carb-face? I was really trying to understand but darn it, that errant areola ruined my concentration for the rest of the night.