Pamela Anderson Hasn't Been Attractive For 10 Years

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So, while AudieBird did a nice wrap-up of the VMAs I think I'll focus on the main event of the night. No, not Britney vs. rhythm. I'm talking about the White Trash Heavyweight Championship title bout between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee and the prize that was at stake. If you're a deadbeat, then there is no greater yardstick to measure yourself against than these two. And if you're these two, I guess, sooner or later you have to fight each other.

The reason they fought? Pamela Anderson. This seems odd.

A friend of mine has a theory. That theory begins, "Pamela Anderson hasn't been hot for 10 years. But because people accepted her as hot at one point, and she became so closely associated with being "hot," for so long, that people pretend this is still the case when it's clearly not. Either everyone's too busy to bother taking the time to reassess her or they have, and just find it easier to ignore the ravages of time, drugs and surgery on her body and so they go about pretending things are still the same."

I subscribe to this theory. None of my friends think she's hot (some never did) but most mainstream media types still seem to. Howard Stern, morning radio dumbasses, sports guys, etc.

I'm sure this sounds harsh and I kinda don't care. However, I'll clarify a few obvious problems someone might have with this piece just for the hell of it. That may make me seem like less of a dick. May.

Point 1) It's rude and means-spirited to mock someone for their looks.

I would never attack someone solely because of their looks. Well, actually, I totally would, but I'm not doing that here. For the same reason you can attack an actor for daring to put themselves out there and then delivering shitty work, the same way you can judge a writer attempting to be funny and then call them out when they're not, you can discuss Pam Anderson no longer being attractive. It's what she "does." Or did, anyway.

This is a person who has positioned herself as someone who is "hot." She is not an actress, singer, performer, host, etc. She did one thing, she took pride in it and she never danced around it. It was her thing and that thing has now abandoned her. The same way you feel okay talking about how Pacino lost it, Oscar De La Hoya sucks now, etc. you can discuss her and her looks. No different. If anything, this should serve as a cautionary tale for people who only do one thing well. Take an acting class. Learn to juggle. Go to school. Or, just save your money.

Point 2) She or someone close to her could read this and feel bad.

This is highly unlikely. However, let's say she does, and then feels awful. Perhaps I am even confronted. The thing is... she isn't that intelligent. I, on the other hand, am of thoroughly average intelligence. Plus, I'm a great liar, and I'm very, very funny. I would need no more than 20 minutes to convince her that she misread the piece, that I was "commenting" on or parodying crass articles like this one, that I meant the "Pam Anderson" that America sees.. her "image," that we ruined, not her actual appearance.

Secondly, there are about a million other guys who disagree with me who would be happy to tell her that she's still got it, and I'm sure that would balance this piece in her mind.

Point 3) But, you just revealed your plan! You spelled it all out. How would you be able to spin that, on the off chance she reads this? You still think it's possible?

Yes. Even after reading the above. It's fine, she's dumb, trust me.

Point 4) It's still shitty to mock her looks, since this is something she has no control over, and we all get older.

Actually, this has absolutely nothing to do with age. It has more to do with botox, hideous levels of overtanning leading to leathery-looking skin, bad tattoo choices and fake breasts which were removed, then re-inserted then... who knows? I think the majority of the damage could be undone and she'd look fine.*

Now that I've cleared that up. She doesn't look good. It's awkward. People need to stop booking her on talk shows where everyone pretends to go ga-ga apeshit over her appearance when she comes out in a tiny dress.

I was never a huge fan, she seemed to appeal mainly to a certain type of unabashedly loud, unfunny, frat guy-type. One thing you can't argue is that at one point in time she seemed to herald a new era, a whole new early ninteties idea of what hot could or should look like.

That era has come to an end.







* This is untrue. It has plenty to do with age. However the above section will be crucial when it comes to turning her around on the article, in case I do have to defend it.

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