Who Can't Randy "The Natural" Couture Beat?

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I asked myself that rhetorical question recently, after watching Randy defy the odds for the 47th time by defeating the heavily favored, 16 years younger challenger, Gabriel Gonzaga, for the UFC heavyweight title. A man, I remarked to a buddy of mine, who looks like the product of a shrewd promoter somewhere who shaved a bull, yanked it's horns and nose ring off, then taught it how to punch.

Then I tried to actually answer the question.

Though Couture, at 44, isn't the most intimidating looking combatant out there, he looks like your high school gym teacher halfway through a mid-life crisis-induced weightlifting kick, he is clearly one of the most effective.

He was the underdog when he ripped through "bad boy" Tito Ortiz a few years back. And by "bad," I mean someone who does nothing actually bad other than talking about being bad and possibly having a shirt with the word "bad" inserted into a tough sounding phrase.

He pummeled the invincible seeming "Iceman" Chuck Liddell. Beating him at his own stand-up game before taking him to the ground and raining down blows.

He dropped and thoroughly outclassed the 6 foot 8 inches tall (yeah), giant, Tim "The Maine-iac" Sylvia, who was again, heavily favored to destroy Couture. Taking the belt from Sylvia was a great day for fight fans as Tim's two most notable attributes are a boring safety-first style and the fact that he hails from a state that sorta rhymes with the word maniac.

In order to find foes to beat Couture I was forced to look far and wide and when that didn't pan out, I had to look beyond mere mortals. Here then is a shockingly short list comprised of...

Opponents Randy Couture Can't Beat

1) City Hall. As most of you have heard, "you can't fight City Hall." An opponent unwilling to fight is one you cannot truly beat. But what about Randy's aggression and forward movement, you say? Couldn't he could get a decision. Unlikely. In the past Couture has shown no enhanced abilites in forwarding legislation, getting laws passed and/or lobbying council members. He'd get worn down and eventually stopped by City Hall's ability to slow the pace and force the fight on their terms. Couture quits in 3 years, with his proposal sitting in a desk drawer somewhere.

2) The system. Similar to the above, "you can't beat the system." They spell it out right there. Any time you hear of this elusive system, what's the context? That's right, you not beating it. You can sometimes go around the system (Couture does have great lateral movement) and occasionally even get the system to work for you, but it seems far fetched. People get lost in the system. People get chewed up and spit out by the system.

Sure some of this is the mental game, the system beating people with intimidation before the fight even starts. Similar to a prime Mike Tyson. However, even though Couture has been immune to this ploy in the past, the system is undefeated for a reason.

3) The common cold. At 44, squarely into middle age, Randy's immune system is as weak as its ever been. Even with a 4 week training camp utilizing echinacea, vitamin C, zinc and even airborne herbal remedy, this fight only ends one way. With Couture on his back, staring at the ceiling fan with a 102 temperature and a runny nose.

4) The low, low, everyday savings available at your neighborhood superstore. You cannot beat these savings, that much is clear. But could Randy? Let's find out. Three bucks for a case of generic soda? A dollar for a five pound can of meatballs? A plaid shirt with no label for under ten?

Randy's living the good life, used to dining and dressing in style. Fast cars and even faster spending. There's no way he's using coupons and designer duds aren't gonna get it done against these bargains. No shot. This is one puzzle Couture will be unable to solve. Hopefully he can console himself with some nice toothpicked samples from the frozen section.

5) The Clock. Sure, right now Father Time is wearing a french maid's outfit, on his hands and knees, while scrubbing Randy's bathroom floor... But that won't last forever. Sooner or later, even the ageless Couture will be forced to succumb to the wily demon known as age. Estimates put this at just after Couture's 92nd birthday, shortly after his defeat of a giant lizard from Rigel 7, to retain the UFC Unlimited division title.

6) Fedor Emelianenko. Sure, I said I had to look beyond humans. Fedor is not human. Humans don't shake off the effects of being dropped on their head. He is a machine. The most fearsome heavyweight on the planet. Widely regarded as the best he is the reigning champion of troubled Japanese fighting organisation PRIDE. He's yet to sign with the UFC, but it appears imminent. Fedor would be the favorite here, and for good reason. But that's nothing new for Randy.

Rumored venues for the bout are Randy standing on Saturn and battling Fedor who's balanced on Neptune. No word on where the people of Earth will be forced to settle after this slugfest destroys our galaxy.




TheCoolerKing favors Fedor by tapout... He thinks... Probably...

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