Rumors of Fidel Castro's death have been causing quite a stir today, both on the Internet and in Miami. Why am I writing about this, you ask? It's true that the closest thing to a dictator I usually pretend to know stuff about is Lindsay Lohan. But this time, the news came from one of our own ("our own" being bitchy bloggers), self-proclaimed "Queen of All Media" Perez Hilton:

He also posted this earlier today:

WTF, I thought. Has Perez scooped The New York Times, the Associated Press, and CNN on the death of one of the world's most revered and reviled Communist dictators, thus proving his alleged queenship over the media? Have his dishy items on Brangelina, Paris and Nicole proven so irresistible that even high-ranking officials in Castro's government are unable to keep classified information from him? I can just see it now: the official sweats as he weighs his options:

"I know I could be executed for this...but evil American blog... so... juicy... must... tell... secrets!"

But hold your horses: before I could get on my riot gear, 4 p.m. came and went, and no announcement was made. The AP, whom I tend to trust more than celebrity bloggers on these matters, said that though the rumors are seriously swirling, there's been nothing but official denials from the Cuban government thus far.

Not to be dissuaded, Perez posted this:

The logistics of how we will see said procession without pictures or video aside, I'm a bit puzzled by Perez's behavior. I guess he's hedging his bets on the rumor being true, and by claiming to have "sources" on it before anyone else, hoping to take over the blogosphere and perhaps eventually the world (maybe he'll be the fab new dictator of Cuba?) But is a calling-out from a man with multicolored hair who named himself after Paris freaking Hilton really going to topple the Cuban government and American media power structure all at once?

My advice to Perez is to just give it up. All of us shiftless celebu-bloggers have aspirations of breaking some uber-important "news" item and thereby justifying our existence...hell, I've even been known to don a suit on occasion and make my boy-toys call me "Katie Couric" during intimacy time.* But it seems like someone is trying to make it a little more than a bedtime fantasy. Perez needs to get on top of his celebutard reporting game before he starts trying to be the gay Walter Cronkite. As one observant commenter put it:

Stop now, Perez, before you lose all of that hard earned credibility you've built up over the years!

Or maybe you are the new essential source on world events. I'd congratulate you on your newfound legitimacy, but all these monkeys keep flying out of my butt, making speech difficult.

*I do not actually have boy-toys.