A few days ago reports surfaced that Bill Murray had been arrested in Sweden for drunk-driving a golf cart. I say, that's EXACTLY the kind of shit he should be doing.

For far too long that recent variety of famous for nothing, layabout-type celebrity has gotten away with everything. From preferential treatment to all-star perks, they've cleaned up. For the simple act of being atrocious, we reward them.

If anyone deserves this treatment, it's Bill Murray. If we're going to slant the playing field, at least let's do it for a legend. I'm saying Bill Murray has done enough in his career, been ridiculously funny enough, to warrant all kinds of perks and look-the-other-ways.

Drunk-driving a golf cart in Sweden? Sweden? C'mon, he should be allowed to run Sweden. It's a golf cart, you shouldn't be allowed to drive it not-drunk. What's the max speed, 6? In that vein, I give you...

Things Bill Murray Should Be Allowed To Do

1) Murder someone. Yeah, that's right, murder them. Not a saint or anything, not a totally innocent man. But, not necessarily an evil person, either. Bill should be allowed to kill an asshole. On purpose or by accident. Litterers, shipping heirs, the guy loudly proclaiming his intention to never see a film after the trailer plays at the movies... Those guys.

2) Garfield 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and so on, until we get to double digits. Destined to be the most controversial allowance. I don't like it any more than you do, but, he's earned the right. They're not for us, they're movies for children whose parents hate them. For the record, didn't see 1, skipped 2, won't see 3.

3) Many many years ago, Bill was caught smuggling 9 pounds of cannabis through custons at O'Hare airport. He should have been allowed to pass. Murray mentions that this incident is what prevented him from becoming a doctor. He should've been allowed to have become the world's first openly-pot smoking doctor.

4) Scarlett Johansson

5) Befriend a nerd. As most of you know, ordinarily, this type of behavior gets you banished from cool-dom. Bye bye, popular-kid table. Not so fast. In my opinion Bill Murray is at that level where he could, if he chose to, easily befirend a nerd in need, whether by removing a "kick me" sign from his back", toweling him off after a "swirlie" or merely becoming his lab partner, with ZERO social repercussions. That's power. Power he should wield.

6) Look up whatever Brian Doyle-Murray is allowed to do, triple it. I llike Brian Doyle-Murray, no direspect to him, that just seems like an appropriate thing that should happen.

7) Wear a wifebeater in public. I'm not saying he should, just that if he so desired, he could.

8) Punch a clown, with zero provocation. In the face or dick.