My Life Was Better Before I Knew Who Star Jones Was

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I don't like Star Jones... And I don't mean, I don't like her like I don't like Dane Cook or racism or bell peppers or something equally appalling. I don’t like her to the point of not wanting to admit I know who she is. I’d have bashed her before this, in a heartbeat, but I liked walking the streets knowing I had a reasonable shot at denying knowledge of her continued existence. No proof, anywhere, that I knew she lived. An article about her horrible personality would change all of that. And I wasn’t ready.

As viciously as I could mock her, it wasn’t worth it. To be seen, observed even, as someone who “might not be aware of Star Jones,” especially in Los Angeles, is a precious thing, not to be given up lightly…

Plenty of people know of her, plenty despise her, I’m guessing, somewhere, a few people even tolerate/like her. But the group, who, through no intentional action on their part, just through sheer good living or the having of better friends or loftier goals, had absolutely no idea who she was… That's who I wanted to be mistaken for. So, so, badly. My goal was to get to my grave, having maintained this facade.

It’s not to be. I’m not that guy… And worse, through this column, I’m dragging a few dozen more down with me. Ugh.

I'd dicked around all day, not working, not doing anything other than half-assedly searching for something to write about, when I saw a photo of her promoting her new, presumably awful, Court TV show. I knew then that today was the day. I kept looking, praying, for something better to write about, but I knew that eventually I’d cave and have to put in print, my terrible, terrible knowledge of her.

I know who Star Jones is. And she’s fucking atrocious.

The point of all this, the reason I’m writing about her, is because I noticed she has joined a growing number of obese celebrities... who looked better before they lost the weight. Sure, Nicole Ritchie is close to death and Mary Kate could hide behind a stop sign, everyone knows that. But what about people who are naturally a little heavy, who starve or staple themselves down into an unrealistic shape? Sorry, Al Roker, you look weird. Jared from Subway? You too.

I’m not saying that people don’t deserve to look the way they’d like to look, and certainly, obesity is an epidemic in this country, but being slightly heavy has got to be healthier and looks light-years better, than these weirdly freakish, big-boned skeletons. There's nothing wrong with being chubby or skinny or however you look naturally, or otherwise. There are many, many things wrong with this.

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I'm not saying it doesn't work for a lot of people. Some people look 10 times better when skinny.

Some do not.


TheCoolerKing will deny knowledge of both Star Jones and this article, if you approach him on the street. He's happier that way.

web address: http://suicidegirls.com/news/celeb/22141/My-Life-Was-Better-Before-I-Knew-Who-Star-Jones-Was/