News > Celeb > My Life Was Better Before I Knew Who Star Jones Was

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MONDAY AUGUST 20 2007 8:00 PM

My Life Was Better Before I Knew Who Star Jones Was

Tags: Star Jones, diets, regret, Court TV

I don't like Star Jones... And I don't mean, I don't like her like I don't like Dane Cook or racism or bell peppers or something equally appalling. I dont like her to the point of not wanting to admit I know who she is. Id have bashed her before this, in a heartbeat, but I liked walking the streets knowing I had a reasonable shot at denying knowledge of her continued existence. No proof, anywhere, that I knew she lived. An article about her horrible personality would change all of that. And I wasnt ready.

As viciously as I could mock her, it wasnt worth it. To be seen, observed even, as someone who might not be aware of Star Jones, especially in Los Angeles, is a precious thing, not to be given up lightly

Plenty of people know of her, plenty despise her, Im guessing, somewhere, a few people even tolerate/like her. But the group, who, through no intentional action on their part, just through sheer good living or the having of better friends or loftier goals, had absolutely no idea who she was That's who I wanted to be mistaken for. So, so, badly. My goal was to get to my grave, having maintained this facade.

Its not to be. Im not that guy And worse, through this column, Im dragging a few dozen more down with me. Ugh.

I'd dicked around all day, not working, not doing anything other than half-assedly searching for something to write about, when I saw a photo of her promoting her new, presumably awful, Court TV show. I knew then that today was the day. I kept looking, praying, for something better to write about, but I knew that eventually Id cave and have to put in print, my terrible, terrible knowledge of her.

I know who Star Jones is. And shes fucking atrocious.

The point of all this, the reason Im writing about her, is because I noticed she has joined a growing number of obese celebrities... who looked better before they lost the weight. Sure, Nicole Ritchie is close to death and Mary Kate could hide behind a stop sign, everyone knows that. But what about people who are naturally a little heavy, who starve or staple themselves down into an unrealistic shape? Sorry, Al Roker, you look weird. Jared from Subway? You too.

Im not saying that people dont deserve to look the way theyd like to look, and certainly, obesity is an epidemic in this country, but being slightly heavy has got to be healthier and looks light-years better, than these weirdly freakish, big-boned skeletons. There's nothing wrong with being chubby or skinny or however you look naturally, or otherwise. There are many, many things wrong with this.

I'm not saying it doesn't work for a lot of people. Some people look 10 times better when skinny.

Some do not.

TheCoolerKing will deny knowledge of both Star Jones and this article, if you approach him on the street. He's happier that way.

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Comments

StarBelliedBoy

Philadelphia, PA

December 2003

AUG 20, 2007 08:30 PM

Ewwwwww.

Rapid_Fire

Saskatoon, SK

July 2007

AUG 20, 2007 08:35 PM

I still don't now who Star Jones is, and that doesn't bother me.

Formus

Milwaukee, WI

May 2007

AUG 20, 2007 08:39 PM

Who doesn't like bell peppers?! Whether in a salad or by themselves, they are a very healthy, very tasty snack that, really, can be taken along anywhere and eaten anytime. They're the type of vegetable that makes eating healthy less of a chore and more of a thoroughly enjoyable activity. And they come in so many colors! Why, just the other day, I saw an orange bell pepper. I'd seen red, green, even yellow, but never before in my life had encountered an orange pepper. It was one of those instances where you think that the color makes it even tastier than it already is, but really, how could you get tastier than your average bell pepper? The answer is no, you couldn't, no matter what your inner voice tells you, because really, your inner voice knows nothing about science. In conclusion, carrots are delicious as well, and they're also orange, so I guess we should all eat more orange foods - especially oranges.

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

AUG 20, 2007 08:40 PM

Rapid_Fire said:
I still don't now who Star Jones is, and that doesn't bother me.

Ahhh, if only I could say the same... Get out there and live, you lucky bastard!!

Formus said:
Who doesn't like bell peppers?!

Hahaha... I like peppers that are hot, not weirdly tangy.

Plus, they're always getting in the way.

Ferretbite

Mexico

September 2006

AUG 20, 2007 08:45 PM

I remain blissfully ignorant

And immune to her powers.

lowrange

USA

June 2005

AUG 20, 2007 08:50 PM

Formus said:
Who doesn't like bell peppers?! Whether in a salad or by themselves, they are a very healthy, very tasty snack that, really, can be taken along anywhere and eaten anytime. They're the type of vegetable that makes eating healthy less of a chore and more of a thoroughly enjoyable activity. And they come in so many colors! Why, just the other day, I saw an orange bell pepper. I'd seen red, green, even yellow, but never before in my life had encountered an orange pepper. It was one of those instances where you think that the color makes it even tastier than it already is, but really, how could you get tastier than your average bell pepper? The answer is no, you couldn't, no matter what your inner voice tells you, because really, your inner voice knows nothing about science. In conclusion, carrots are delicious as well, and they're also orange, so I guess we should all eat more orange foods - especially oranges.

bell peppers are the bomb

OhSoOrdinary

New York, NY

July 2006

AUG 20, 2007 08:59 PM

Her head just looks HUGE! Every picture of her makes me think, "Who put Star Jones head on some skinny chick?"

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