Or, Stop Remaking Movies, Part - What The Fuck Already. I know, it's pointless to continue to gripe about unnecessary movie remakes. And yet, I am incapable of not doing it.

At least they'll finally be able to replace the horribly miscast Bruce Lee. I'm sure a few casting sessions should rustle up someone just as charismatically kick-ass as one of the most beloved motion picture stars of all-time. Sure, some people call it the "greatest martial arts film ever made," but, that doesn't mean we can't shoot for "even-greater martial arts film of, uh, you know..." Right? This next part gets confusing.

So, the title's been changed and the plot's different. How is this a remake? Can't it just be another fine addition to the glorious genre that is the "mysterious island, fighting tournament"? It worked for Bloodsport.

The remake/loosely based on version would do well to include at least 5 of the following...

The 9 Coolest Things About Enter The Dragon

1) Bruce Lee. No contest. Super-fast, super-cool and in possession of a scowl that could kill an elephant.

2) Bolo Yeung. A guy so bad-ass they don't even bother to name him. IMDB disagrees with me on that, however, I recall Han calling him Bolo at one point so I'm sticking with it. He was so frightening that years later, they woke him up and pushed in front of the camera to be the main villain in the aforementioned Van Damme movie Bloodsport. They called him Chong Li in that one and for my money he's the best Van Damme villain ever, narrowly beating out both "Attila" from Lionheart and Lance Henriksen himself from Hard Target Yeah, you heard me "Tong Po" from Kickboxer Not a fan.

3) The Jim Kelly-spoken line: "Man, you come right out of a comic book." He delivers it to the enigmatic Mr. Han. He's right. Han is the mysterious owner of the mysterious island. 14% of villains in comic books are either in possession of or have heard about, a mysterious island. One last thing, the island is... mysterious!

4) Mr. Han's iron hand. Which he can switch out in favor of a 3-long blades hand and a bear-claw hand. No, not the eating kind, the flaying a man alive kind.

5) Roper, as played by John Saxon. Hard to pinpoint why... Not as "over the top" cool as Jim Kelly, but... cool in a laid-back casual way. Not Saxon's only scrap with a razor-handed dude, either, as he went on to battle Freddy Krueger in the first Nightmare on Elm Street.

6) Jim Kelly's amazing afro. Yet to see it's equal in film history.

7) Bruce Lee's battle with Han in the "Hall of Mirrors." Every movie should have a fight in a hall of mirrors where a guy mistakenly punches a mirror, thinking it's his foe. Nine times.

8) The part where Jim Kelly, while admiring a line-up of prostitutes, says: "I'll take you... and you... and you... and you..." Then he apologizes to whoever he may've missed by saying "It's been a long day." Stupid Roper only picked one. I think Lee skipped this part to sit in his room and get awesomer.

9) Bruce Lee, with an aloof look on his face, slapping a student for fucking something up. Bruce Lee being a dick is surprisingly fun to watch.




TheCoolerKing is proud to have written this entirely from memory.