Crystal to Fallon: Not So Fast, I'm Just As Awful As You

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And you thought Jimmy Fallon was terrible? Hot on the heels of the news that Fallon will take over the great Conan O'Brien's late night spot, comes word that Billy Crystal is looking to do a talk show of his own.

If tragedy really does come in three's expect Cedric the Entertainer to announce a talk show any second now.

Crystal or Fallon, seriously, who's worse? Like comparing hurricanes and earthquakes, a punch in the gut, to a punch in the face, AIDS and cancer... Okay, that's a bit much, AIDS never ruined an SNL sketch.

Let's compare these two plagues upon laughter, shall we?

OVERALL FUNNINESS
Tough one... I can't recall either of them ever making me or anyone I respect, laugh. Was Fallon ever involved in a decent SNL sketch? Possibly, but I doubt he was the one doing the "funny."

Crystal isn't funny either. Plus, he's partially responsible for enabling Robin Williams and his furniture climbing, "hilariousness," for so many laughter-free years.

Fallon has at least hung around funnier people recently and at least (possibly?) knows enough to mimic actual comedy cadence and delivery. Plus, he's not a hundred... FALLON I guess.

PERSONALITY
Fallon is likable in that way that is actually completely unlikable. Smiles a lot, sure... But, really, who needs it?

Crystal is more smug and self-satisfied. I get the feeling he's always a moment away from giving you a lecture on the history of comedy and his esteemed place in it. I guess it boils down to the "who would I rather have a beer with?" scenario that worked so well in electing Bush... Fuck. I'm tempted to give the edge to Fallon.

No, you know what, fuck that. At least Crystal is an adult. You could engage with him and have a civil, non-spazzy conversation and then leave. Fallon would hop off his barstool and then follow you out, bouncing two steps behind while peppering you with inane questions about where you're headed and whether or not you thought his ad-lib from five minutes ago was funny. CRYSTAL

TRACK RECORD
In terms of universal appeal, legend-status and box office record it's a landslide for Crystal. Starred in hit films, hosted the Oscars, and is beloved by the elderly. Fallon's legacy is having tousled hair while simultaneously being 25. He no longer has one of those. He sort of broke out on SNL, and then squandered it with a shitty film, a MTV hosting job and a disappearing act. CRYSTAL

MOVIE CAREER
Fallon starred in an atrocious movie, which Crystal has done, but without the whole "balancing it out with a good one," part. However, even the hit Crystal films are un-watchable. He was in The Princess Bride, but he was the worst part, so that cancels that out. I know people who claim When Harry Met Sally was good... and I recall chuckling at City Slickers as a kid. This is pointless as they're all infinitely better than Taxi. CRYSTAL

STAND-UP
Obviously they'd both have writers, but I'm guessing Fallon would hire the better group. And he'd trust them and do the material as written. I could easily see Crystal throwing out their jokes in favor of some story about catching a Hank Aaron ball when he was eleven and that's the moment he understood what "life" was about. FALLON

According to the the above criteria, Crystal takes it, making Fallon, worse.

To sum up, Crystal, slightly better than Fallon. Congrats?

Be advised, TheCoolerKing doesn't actually recommend watching either of these shows.

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