I think Brett Ratner should kill himself. And I almost don't see another side to the argument.

Seriously. I’m waiting to hear why this would be a bad idea. I’m really asking. I’m not just being glib to make a point.

Okay, sure, maybe it started that way. But once I looked at the situation it became harder and harder to deny that it really is what’s best for everyone, including Brett.

Here are multiple reasons why Brett Ratner should kill himself.

1) Zero percent chance of a Ratner-helmed X4. Zero percent chance of him ruining the Spider-Man franchise. Zero percent chance of him making any more middle of the road pap for 50-year-old midwesterners who wondered what it would be like to see a black dude and a Chinese dude hang out.

Those percentages are all at acceptable levels.

2) You know how people write about Ratner, and then you read what they wrote, and then you’re sort annoyed you did? This piece included.

Well, that will stop happening. Sure, you’ll suffer through the various obits and in a few years maybe you’ll run across an article penned by some scientist looking to make a name for himself, claiming to have used emerging technology to pinpoint a moment of actual comedy in Rush Hour 3… but he’ll undoubtedly be exposed as a fraud.

Other than that, you can forget all about Ratner.

3) From a global overpopulation standpoint one less person on this Earth is a good thing. More room for the rest of us. This would also free up many precious resources. Do you know how much food, energy, plastic, water, etc. the average person goes through in a day? I don’t, but I assure you the number would sound impressive. All those valuable commodities could be redirected, in reasonable portions, to others more deserving.

4) Right now the only positive element you could take from his movies is the money they make. Sure, someone else could stick Chris Tucker in another movie where he regurgitates racial observations that were stale decades ago and it’d be a hit, but, that’s not the point. The point is, if he died right now Rat’s legacy would be that of a borderline-douchey guy who shot some mediocre movies that made money.

Of the three, what’s the only factor likely to change? I’ll give you a hint, he ain’t getting less-douchey and movies don’t get any more mediocre.

Sooner or later, even the un-demanding fuck-bags are bound to wake up and stop throwing money away 11 bucks at a time. On that day he’ll have a film that loses cash. And his meager legacy will have been destroyed.

Hey, it may not happen, I mean, “un-demanding fuck-bag” isn’t an ironic designation and chances are that he will go to his natural death many years from now with a good box office track record. But, the only way to be 100% sure is for him to get out now.

5) His money and wealth will go to his family, a group far more deserving of it than him.

How do I know this? That they’re better people than he? My theory is, the further you get from Ratner, the less repugnant the individual.

With that in mind, though I know nothing specific about his immediate family, I do know this. At the very least, each of them is one person removed from being Brett Ratner.

6) Whether through fiction or real life, by now, are we not all familiar with the sad cliché of the “man whose true passion in life is denied him”? He toils year after year at a job he cares nothing for, eventually dieing a broken, bitter man, because he never had the chance to fulfill his dream...

I actually believe this is the case with Ratner. It is obvious his true gifts and talents lie in another profession.

Whatever job is the “opposite” of filmmaker. That’s what he should be doing.




TheCoolerKing is proud to be filing this article from the rolling hills of breathtaking northern New Jersey.