News > Celeb > Brett Ratner: Please Kill Yourself Just Hear Me Out

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TUESDAY AUGUST 7 2007 11:00 PM

Brett Ratner: Please Kill Yourself Just Hear Me Out

Tags: Brett Ratner, Rush Hour 3, suicide

I think Brett Ratner should kill himself. And I almost don't see another side to the argument.

Seriously. Im waiting to hear why this would be a bad idea. Im really asking. Im not just being glib to make a point.

Okay, sure, maybe it started that way. But once I looked at the situation it became harder and harder to deny that it really is whats best for everyone, including Brett.

Here are multiple reasons why Brett Ratner should kill himself.

1) Zero percent chance of a Ratner-helmed X4. Zero percent chance of him ruining the Spider-Man franchise. Zero percent chance of him making any more middle of the road pap for 50-year-old midwesterners who wondered what it would be like to see a black dude and a Chinese dude hang out.

Those percentages are all at acceptable levels.

2) You know how people write about Ratner, and then you read what they wrote, and then youre sort annoyed you did? This piece included.

Well, that will stop happening. Sure, youll suffer through the various obits and in a few years maybe youll run across an article penned by some scientist looking to make a name for himself, claiming to have used emerging technology to pinpoint a moment of actual comedy in Rush Hour 3 but hell undoubtedly be exposed as a fraud.

Other than that, you can forget all about Ratner.

3) From a global overpopulation standpoint one less person on this Earth is a good thing. More room for the rest of us. This would also free up many precious resources. Do you know how much food, energy, plastic, water, etc. the average person goes through in a day? I dont, but I assure you the number would sound impressive. All those valuable commodities could be redirected, in reasonable portions, to others more deserving.

4) Right now the only positive element you could take from his movies is the money they make. Sure, someone else could stick Chris Tucker in another movie where he regurgitates racial observations that were stale decades ago and itd be a hit, but, thats not the point. The point is, if he died right now Rats legacy would be that of a borderline-douchey guy who shot some mediocre movies that made money.

Of the three, whats the only factor likely to change? Ill give you a hint, he aint getting less-douchey and movies dont get any more mediocre.

Sooner or later, even the un-demanding fuck-bags are bound to wake up and stop throwing money away 11 bucks at a time. On that day hell have a film that loses cash. And his meager legacy will have been destroyed.

Hey, it may not happen, I mean, un-demanding fuck-bag isnt an ironic designation and chances are that he will go to his natural death many years from now with a good box office track record. But, the only way to be 100% sure is for him to get out now.

5) His money and wealth will go to his family, a group far more deserving of it than him.

How do I know this? That theyre better people than he? My theory is, the further you get from Ratner, the less repugnant the individual.

With that in mind, though I know nothing specific about his immediate family, I do know this. At the very least, each of them is one person removed from being Brett Ratner.

6) Whether through fiction or real life, by now, are we not all familiar with the sad cliché of the man whose true passion in life is denied him? He toils year after year at a job he cares nothing for, eventually dieing a broken, bitter man, because he never had the chance to fulfill his dream...

I actually believe this is the case with Ratner. It is obvious his true gifts and talents lie in another profession.

Whatever job is the opposite of filmmaker. Thats what he should be doing.

TheCoolerKing is proud to be filing this article from the rolling hills of breathtaking northern New Jersey.

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Comments

Vestril

Coronado, CA

February 2003

AUG 07, 2007 11:13 PM

Wasn't the spider-man franchise already ruined?

Tibbittz

Portland, OR

July 2007

AUG 07, 2007 11:14 PM

I know Ratner's a hack, but I don't think even he could make the Spider-Man franchise worse than it's already gotten...

Saraphine

SUICIDEGIRL

Pennsylvania, USA

AUG 07, 2007 11:14 PM

Hmm I have to agree after reading his bio. Until now I have never even heard of him

Claw

United Kingdom

September 2005

AUG 07, 2007 11:27 PM

No one can make Spider-Man worse than it already is.

Ratner may not be a great director but he's inoffensive enough. Take a look at Uwe Boll before you critise any other director. While he lives, and spits out crap on a regular basis, I have no objection to almost any other director alive.

Basically; cut Ratner some some slack. There are far, far, far worse directors out there before you pick on the deeply mediocre ones.

ckdexterhaven

USA

December 2005

AUG 07, 2007 11:29 PM

Brett Ratner's an interesting choice. I probably would have gone the Michael Bay route, but you get points for originality.

tipyngdi50rd3r

I'm lost

July 2006

AUG 07, 2007 11:29 PM

the spider-man franchise is certainly not dead. No evidence to show it should be dead.

Ratner may not be the most innovative and breathtaking of directors, but I believe the Rush Hour series has been very successful in its market. You can't judge what comedy is "stale" and who should enjoy it (midwesterners?). Think of each state of the US as a separate culture and it is easy to realize that the American public has different tastes in popular culture and most certainly comedy.

Rush Hour is just movie based on physical comedy. You get about only two or three of those every year so, I don't believe its that outrageous to expect Rush Hour 4 in theaters.

The best part is, Ratner doesn't care what you think or I think. I don't think he has been sober for more than 10 minutes at a time to care what movie hes filming or whether or not people like him

OctEgon

Tustin, CA

July 2005

AUG 07, 2007 11:34 PM

Brett Ratner? What about the horrific Gorillia-Elephant Hybrid in the room that nobody wants to talk about?

I speak of course of Uwe Boll. The year 2007 alone will see 4 Boll-Bombs dropped on multiplexes all over the globe. ....AND he's German! We didn't stop Hitler until it was too late! Let's nip this one in the bud right now, shall we?

Lufy

Ithaca, NY

May 2004

AUG 07, 2007 11:35 PM

Yeah, keep him away from the "X" franchise. There's no need to kill him.....just lock him away....for a long time....in a room with no electrical sockets.....so he can't watch or make any more movies.

...or not. Whatever. But for heaven's sake, KEEP HIM AWAY FROM X4!!

robotbebop

Chilliwack, BC

November 2005

AUG 07, 2007 11:39 PM

I love Rush hour, so what if I don't use all my braincells when watching it and it isn't some obscure examination of society. Or some director's wet dream or bathed in "visual language."

Not everything has to be profound and moving to be art. Art can be entertaining. Every piece of entertainment in the world doesn't have to be approved by your elitist filter; If you don't like it, well that's fine. If you want to point out why you don't like it, great! But others do, and you don't have to shit on them or on the creators.