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  • SATURDAY AUGUST 4 2007 8:00 PM

Dear Scarlett Johansson: Please Don't Suck

Submitted by Hunter

Edited by erin_broadley

Tags: Scarlett Johansson, indie rock, comebacks



So I know I usually like to post about evil celebretards (or 'trons, or 'sters, depending) and the media outlets who fellate them as part of an evil government conspiracy to keep us from reading about the war in Iraq. But unlike most celebrities, whom I view as wasteful black holes sucking in air, water, cocaine, and plastic surgery that they do not deserve, I actually kind of like Scarlett Johansson. Though I'm a little annoyed at all the media exclamations of "OMG, she can actually act!" (isn't that what an actress is supposed to be able to do?) and "OMG she's not stupid!", she seems to have kept it fairly down-to-earth over the years, and The Island aside, she generally picks roles that (a) don't suck, and (b) highlight her particular talents. In the movie Ghost World, she did a great job helping to bring one of my favorite graphic novels to life in a way that didn't totally butcher it. And Lost in Translation, a masterpiece of quiet longing and irony, cemented her as every indie film lover's fantasy girlfriend and/or friend-girl.

Which is why I'm a little wary of her imminent album. As reported by Pitchfork:


Apparently, her album is being produced by David Sitek of TV on the Radio and features members of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Celebration!!!


And what's the movie star's music going to sound like?


Like a theater, big screen. Lots of heavy bass tones in it. Without a bass guitar, we used all kind of different instruments to create these sounds. It was a great experiment. Very avant garde. She sounds like Marilyn Monroe.


--Dockside Studio Owner Steve Nails

So in addition to her forthcoming Tom Waits cover album (which I'm not even going to touch), she's got this avant-garde thing that sounds simultaneously like TVOTR, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, a movie theater, and Marilyn Monroe. Like many indie nerds, I am both excited and terribly, terribly frightened. On the one hand, I like all of those things separately, and it proves once again that the broad's got taste. But what if all the aforementioned elements (indie rock, movie theater, Scarlett Monroe) combine into a muddy hodgepodge that ruins each of its component parts? I mean, I like pickles and I like shakes, but a pickle flavored shake would just be awful.

Please know what you're doing, Scarlett Johansson. These are powerful forces you're playing with here. You could make the record of every nerd's dreams, mixing chocolate-coated awesome with your sexy, sexy intelligence to create something that will give people mind-blowing orgasms as soon as it enters their earholes. Or you could fail miserably and get yourself and your collaborators mocked by the very same people who used to praise you. They will say, "Silly Scarlett, musical crossovers are for egomaniacal, washed up, looks-fading hotties like Jared Leto."
I'm scared...I want to keep liking you! In any case, I'm excited to hear how it sounds. Maybe I'll even mix up a pickle shake for the occasion.

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Comments
ardour

ardour

Canada
March 2006

AUG 04, 2007 08:22 PM

She was in a Justin Timberlake video. A BAD video. Well, I think maybe it was supposed to be bad or something, because it is hilarious. I'm not a fan, so I don't know if the badness was intentional.

But yeah, after that I kind of wrote her off. Doesn't mean I can't enjoy her good work, though.

MisterClean

MisterClean

Pawtucket, RI
February 2004

AUG 04, 2007 08:25 PM

hey! Jared Leto is.....
oh never mind. just kidding.

toothpickmoe

toothpickmoe

Los Angeles, CA
May 2004

AUG 04, 2007 08:26 PM

Funny, I've always wanted her to...uh...skip it...

mamet

mamet

Charleston, SC
March 2005

AUG 04, 2007 08:27 PM

I do not support the title of this thread.


That sounds absolutely like it's going to be awful, and I can't wait to hear it.

ckdexterhaven

ckdexterhaven

USA
December 2005

AUG 04, 2007 08:42 PM

I thought perhaps the title was a reference to her playing Jenna Jameson in that biopic.

BTW: She isn't going to do that movie, in case you haven't heard.

Skywisdom

Skywisdom

Portland, OR
December 2005

AUG 04, 2007 08:54 PM

toothpickmoe said:
Funny, I've always wanted her to...uh...skip it...



hehehe.

fluxuation

fluxuation

Ottawa, ON
April 2005

AUG 04, 2007 08:58 PM

I thought this was referring to The Nanny Diaries.

Cassiel

Cassiel

Aurora, CO
September 2004

AUG 04, 2007 08:59 PM


In the movie Ghost World, she did a great job helping to bring one of my favorite graphic novels to life in a way that didn't totally butcher it.



no offense or anything, but it's not like they had to stay true to your interpretation or anyone else's for that matter, nor did they have to do the film for you or anyone else.

i dunno. had to say that.

i guess i'm a dick.

shapeshifter23

shapeshifter23

San Francisco, CA
September 2005

AUG 04, 2007 09:00 PM

According to Wikipedia, she sang onstage with the Jesus & Mary Chain this past April at Coachella (news to me, and piques my curiosity a tad)...

curtisology

curtisology

USA
April 2006

AUG 04, 2007 09:02 PM

because it's her...i'm giving it a shot.

Crash_

Crash_

Monroe, NC
February 2007

AUG 04, 2007 09:06 PM

Oh, this excitement...
like that of riding a rollercoaster after watching Final Destination III.

I've an awful feeling that Miss Johansson is going to break my heart.

East

East

SUICIDEGIRL

USA

AUG 04, 2007 09:09 PM

yikes... i do not have a good feeling about this.

csprewitt

csprewitt

Bloomfield, NJ
December 2004

AUG 04, 2007 09:10 PM

So here's the thing: I love Scarlett Johansson. Seriously, I do. I'll admit it, and I'll take whatever crap I have coming my way from the (seemingly) never-ending hoard of people who really, really don't like her. You're all entitled to your opinion and I do sort of see your point. But me, personally, I think she's great. I think she's talented, I think she's intelligent enough not to squander her abilities, and I think she's actually a decent human being, and while I realize that only one of those is technically a compliment, we ARE talking about a celebrity here.

That said, there is no one in the entire world that I love or admire to the point that I would support them making a Tom Waits cover album. That's like me, as a lowly fine arts grad, saying "Hey, I really feel like the time has come to re-interpret 'Guernica'." That's like some kid fresh out of film school saying "Let's re-make 'Citizen Kane'." I don't care how talented you are. Tom Waits is sacred. You have to EARN the right to cover a Tom Waits song. And Scarlett, darling, I love you, but you aren't there yet. Talk to me in 10 years when you have a few scars and a couple of great albums under your belt. Until then, cover a Fiona Apple song or something.

lowrange

lowrange

USA
June 2005

AUG 04, 2007 09:18 PM

she has a video on youtube singing the gershwin song "summertime" that sounds pretty nice

ink_slinger

ink_slinger

Edmonton, AB
October 2005

AUG 04, 2007 09:29 PM

I'm very, very worried about this album. But, really, if it sucks, I just won't buy it. Just because she's a shitty singer (which is yet to be proven, I'm just saying "if she is"), that doesn't change the fact that she's a damn fine actor.

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