So I know I usually like to post about evil celebretards (or 'trons, or 'sters, depending) and the media outlets who fellate them as part of an evil government conspiracy to keep us from reading about the war in Iraq. But unlike most celebrities, whom I view as wasteful black holes sucking in air, water, cocaine, and plastic surgery that they do not deserve, I actually kind of like Scarlett Johansson. Though I'm a little annoyed at all the media exclamations of "OMG, she can actually act!" (isn't that what an actress is supposed to be able to do?) and "OMG she's not stupid!", she seems to have kept it fairly down-to-earth over the years, and The Island aside, she generally picks roles that (a) don't suck, and (b) highlight her particular talents. In the movie Ghost World, she did a great job helping to bring one of my favorite graphic novels to life in a way that didn't totally butcher it. And Lost in Translation, a masterpiece of quiet longing and irony, cemented her as every indie film lover's fantasy girlfriend and/or friend-girl.

Which is why I'm a little wary of her imminent album. As reported by Pitchfork:

And what's the movie star's music going to sound like?

--Dockside Studio Owner Steve Nails

So in addition to her forthcoming Tom Waits cover album (which I'm not even going to touch), she's got this avant-garde thing that sounds simultaneously like TVOTR, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, a movie theater, and Marilyn Monroe. Like many indie nerds, I am both excited and terribly, terribly frightened. On the one hand, I like all of those things separately, and it proves once again that the broad's got taste. But what if all the aforementioned elements (indie rock, movie theater, Scarlett Monroe) combine into a muddy hodgepodge that ruins each of its component parts? I mean, I like pickles and I like shakes, but a pickle flavored shake would just be awful.

Please know what you're doing, Scarlett Johansson. These are powerful forces you're playing with here. You could make the record of every nerd's dreams, mixing chocolate-coated awesome with your sexy, sexy intelligence to create something that will give people mind-blowing orgasms as soon as it enters their earholes. Or you could fail miserably and get yourself and your collaborators mocked by the very same people who used to praise you. They will say, "Silly Scarlett, musical crossovers are for egomaniacal, washed up, looks-fading hotties like Jared Leto."
I'm scared...I want to keep liking you! In any case, I'm excited to hear how it sounds. Maybe I'll even mix up a pickle shake for the occasion.