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  • THURSDAY AUGUST 2 2007 8:00 PM

Quick! Shut Down the Internet, That Singing Dinosaur Doesn't Like it



The least intimidating knight in the history of the realm, Sir Elton John, recently said that he thinks the Internet should be shut down.

In a related story, Napoleon's ghost doesn't understand why we need all these "cars."

Never one to keep his opinions to himself, the Rocket Man has waded into cyberspace with all guns blazing. He claims it is destroying good music, saying: “The internet has stopped people from going out and being with each other, creating stuff. “Instead they sit at home and make their own records, which is sometimes OK but it doesn’t bode well for long-term artistic vision."


Out of all the horrendous things the Internet has created/furthered: copyright infringement, movie and music piracy, identity theft, takeout for pedophiles, credit scams, stalking, etc. I'd put "preventing musicians from interacting thereby hurting music," right next to "noise pollution created by 'You've Got Mail' alerts," on the importance scale.

“We’re talking about things that are going to change the world and change the way people listen to music and that’s not going to happen with people blogging on the internet."


Music changes the world, what, every 15 years or so, maybe... Now that's never going to happen again... because of the Internet. And bloggers.

“I mean, get out there — communicate."


He says, in response to people using the greatest instrument for mass communication ever created. Yeah, shut that off and go talk to your neighbor. About making great music.

If only the Internet had some sort of electronic mail or magic "instant message" system... Ah what the fuck am I talking about, smoke signals work just fine. Occasionally.

“Hopefully the next movement in music will tear down the internet."


It could happen... Communism, aparteid and toaster ovens, all evils vanquished by the might that is... music. Remember when "Rocket Man" killed Hitler? And "Tiny Dancer" helped that tiny dancer follow her dream? Good times...

“Let’s get out in the streets and march and protest instead of sitting at home and blogging."


Sounds great! I know the perfect tool for organizing a large protest -- Oh, wait...

“I do think it would be an incredible experiment to shut down the whole internet for five years and see what sort of art is produced over that span.


That does sound like an amazing experiment. Right up there with affixing sequins to formal wear while behaving like a humorless tyrant.

Multi-millionaire Elton, who turned 60 earlier this year, has admitted in the past that he is a bit behind the times. The Grammy award-winner was once quoted as saying: “I am the biggest technophobe of all time.“I don’t have a mobile phone or an iPod or anything.“I am such a Luddite when it comes to making music. All I can do is write at the piano.”


Ahh, who better to pass judgement on a technology than someone who has admitted zero knowledge of its capabilities.

But the flamboyant singer has embraced the web in other ways. The 60th birthday concert Sir Elton played to a 20,000-strong crowd at New York’s Madison Square Garden was streamed live over the internet. The singer also announced earlier this year that his entire back catalogue of albums would be made available for digital download.


What? A guy can't change his mind in order to make a sweeping, poorly-informed generalization?

The internet has played a huge role in kick-starting the careers of some of Britain’s best new talent. Sandi Thom shot to fame after broadcasting webcam concerts from her London basement flat, while both the Arctic Monkeys and Lily Allen acknowledge the part played by the web in their success.


Lily who? Never heard of them.

But Elton also complained about the quality of music being released. He said: “In the early Seventies there were at least ten albums released every week that were fantastic. Now you’re lucky to find ten albums a year of that quality."


And I think we all know why that is. Thanks for nothing, Internet... you dick!



TheCoolerKing concedes that more people going outside and enjoying life would be a great thing.

 

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Comments
punk

punk

Phoenix, AZ
January 2004

AUG 02, 2007 08:03 PM


zoom image

?!

thefreak

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

AUG 02, 2007 08:18 PM

punk said:

zoom image

?!


Seriously, that's what I thought.

-TM

Metaverse

Metaverse

USA
March 2005

AUG 02, 2007 08:19 PM

Coming from a guy who feels the need to wear a donald duck costume while he performs, because somehow it makes his music cooler or something. I've never been an Elton John fan..I personally think his music sucks and he is an idiot.

Pom_felo

Pom_felo

San Antonio, TX
February 2004

AUG 02, 2007 08:33 PM

Aren't there two types of people who do the whole, "I don't need the internet, cell phone, television, or an automobile?" The first is someone who has struck a balance with the earth based on a personal philosophy. The other type is someone rich enough to have handlers wired up their ass with tech so they can cater to their rich clients every whim. Which is he again?

aleksa

aleksa

Tacoma, WA
April 2006

AUG 02, 2007 08:42 PM

thefreak said:

punk said:

zoom image

?!


Seriously, that's what I thought.

-TM



Me, too.

redcell

redcell

Santa Fe, NM
December 2003

AUG 02, 2007 08:48 PM

If the web is to blame for all of the current bad music, what's Elton's excuse for the last 35 years of his shit?

scylis

scylis

USA
November 2004

AUG 02, 2007 08:50 PM

DAGBLAMIN' YOUNG'INS! PHOO ON YOU AND YOUR INTRARWEBNETS! WHY IN MY DAY, ALL WE HAD WAS TIN CANS AND STRING!! AND DID WE COMPLAIN?!? NO WE DIDN'T, DADGUMMIT! WE TOOK OUR LICKS IN STRIDE AND DEALT WITH THE TEN FEET OF SNOW WE HAD TO WALK THROUGH TO GET TO WORK! WHEN WE WERE FOUR!!!

*shakes knobby cane in the air*

GET OFFA MA LAWN!!!

RedAss

RedAss

Boston, MA
December 2004

AUG 02, 2007 08:51 PM



imclever

imclever

Kent, WA
February 2007

AUG 02, 2007 09:05 PM

screw the music, what about the PORN?

ardour

ardour

Canada
March 2006

AUG 02, 2007 09:22 PM

Seeiing how the music industry is right now, the internet has been more of a saviour.

I don't like much popular music, but I don't think that's the net's fault. I mean, the net gives a great place to call out all that bullshit.

goatinamoat

goatinamoat

New York, NY
March 2006

AUG 02, 2007 09:40 PM

Just say no to listening to celebrities.

Did that Baldwin boy ever move to France, BTW?

OnesandZeros

OnesandZeros

Cuyahoga Falls, OH
March 2004

AUG 02, 2007 09:42 PM

Ahahaha I laughed like hell.

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

AUG 02, 2007 10:00 PM

I'm betting that the only place this will be reported is on the internet. whatever

elpuffy

elpuffy

Wagoner, OK
January 2006

AUG 02, 2007 10:09 PM

If you shut down the internet for five years I'm going to have to resort to mainlining heroin through my eyeballs. See, I don't have many hobbies.

Elton John is full of shit? You don't say!

FunkySkunk

FunkySkunk

Gainesville, FL
July 2004

AUG 02, 2007 10:14 PM



"In the early Seventies there were at least ten albums released every week that were fantastic. Now you're lucky to find ten albums a year of that quality."



Yeah I'm sure every rip off of a Captain Beefheart album sounded amazing when you were coked out of your fucking gord John...

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