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  • SATURDAY JULY 21 2007 10:35 PM

Jon Lovitz Lays Smackdown on Smack-Clown

Submitted by Hunter

Edited by erin_broadley

Tags: john lovitz, andy dick, phil hartman, unfair brawls



What happens when an incorrigibly obnoxious, washed-up comedian mercilessly taunts a significantly heavier washed-up comedian over the death of his best friend? Well, what do you think? Hilarious slapstick violence, of course. The shit went down last Wednesday when Jon Lovitz ran into former Newsradio co-star and alleged friend-killer Andy Dick at the Laugh Factory in LA. With the clear vision of someone who thinks you can get a trisexual, cocaine-and-abuse-fueled space pixie to feel bad for something it's said, Lovitz demanded Dick apologize for his previous drunken remark that he put the "Phil Hartman hex" on him and that Lovitz would be the next one to kick the bucket. Dick was kind of a dick about it (surprise!), first claiming not to remember the hexing, then leaning in and hissing with evil glee:

You know why I said it? Because you said I killed Phil Hartman.


He then giggled like a maniacal schoolgirl as he thought up more ways to kill Lovitz's friends.

Lovitz claims never to have accused him of such a thing, although he did say this once in reference to the drug-and-alcohol-induced downward spiral that eventually led Hartman's wife to shoot him dead in 1998:

Andy was doing cocaine, and he gave Brynn some after she had been sober for 10 years. Phil was furious about it - and then five months later he's dead.


Also, when filling in for the late Hartman on Newsradio:

I told Andy, 'I wouldn't be here now if you hadn't given Brynn that cocaine.'


Which is totally not the same thing! The false accusation of accusation was more than the rotund has-been could take. According to Page Six:


Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose.


He picked him up? By the head?! That's something I'd like to see. Unfortunately, unlike with previous unpleasant incidents, nobody thought to take a grainy camera phone video, but I believe it went something like this:


This whole thing irks me in several ways. I'm not sure why I expected better of him, but Dick forgot a cardinal rule of comedy: Jon Lovitz is not nearly funny enough to die. Think about it: Phil Hartman, John Belushi, Gilda Radner...each of these lost legends had more funny in their left nut than Lovitz can hope to muster on his best night. And Gilda Radner didn't even have testicles! Because God hates us, people like Lovitz and Dick will be starring in failed pilots and licking Farrah Fawcett's face until they are shitting in diapers, but we will only get a glimpse of what true comedians can do before they succumb to their own badassitude via drinking, doing massive speed-balls, or marrying an attractively crazy bitch.

And then there is this tidbit I found on Gawker today:


Last night, there was Andy Dick on University Place, right by Washington Square Park, says a spy. SO HOW WAS HIS MANGLED FACE? "It looked fine, actually," reports the Dick-watcher.


WTF? This may very well confirm my theory that most celebrities, Andy Dick especially, are mutants from outer space who only have to blow a few lines to regenerate limbs, facial tissue, etc. Or maybe Lovitz actually grabbed Dick by the balls, anus or some equally unmentionable mutant body part that Page Six was too modest to print. A third, less appealing theory (which I personally refuse to believe) is that Page Six exaggerates the fuck out of things. Whatever. I'm defending my theory, to the death if need be. Trisexual mutant face-healing space pixies: "Yeah, that's the ticket!"

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Gerry_D

Gerry_D

Los Angeles, CA
May 2003

JUL 21, 2007 10:38 PM

as I understand it, nobody even tried to break it up -- people were very content to let the beat down go down.

Dick must have an ungodly constitution.

Cassiel

Cassiel

Aurora, CO
September 2004

JUL 21, 2007 10:38 PM

I loved Lovitz on 'The Critic'

OctEgon

OctEgon

Tustin, CA
July 2005

JUL 21, 2007 10:44 PM

The Critic gives Lovitz a golden pass to do whatever he wants.

Especially if it's beating up Andy Dick.

Moonrabbit

Moonrabbit

Vancouver, BC
February 2005

JUL 21, 2007 10:53 PM

Andy Dick gives everybody the golden pass to beat the crap out of Andy Dick. Hell, I'd have probably joined Lovits.

See. We live in a socioty that frowns upon violence used to solve any situation. Which is a sad overcompensation on socioty's part because some people really deserve to have the crap beaten out of them.

I mean does anybody really care what happens to Andy Diick? I'm sure Andy Dick doesn't.

tampabobby

tampabobby

Tampa, FL
September 2005

JUL 21, 2007 11:32 PM

Jon Lovitz is way cooler than Andy Dick in my book!

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

JUL 21, 2007 11:42 PM

With the clear vision of someone who thinks you can get a trisexual cocaine-and-abuse-fueled space pixie to feel bad for something it's said...


Fucking hilarious line...

And for the record, I think Dick's funnier than Lovitz... but it's still hysterical that he got pummeled.

_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

JUL 21, 2007 11:49 PM

I'm envisioning Lovitz stepping back abruptly from Dick's mangled pulpy face, bowing in a gentile fashion, and howling "AAAAAACTING!"

Julian_Delphinki

Julian_Delphinki

Tijeras, NM
June 2005

JUL 21, 2007 11:54 PM

Phil Hartman should have choked the shitbag.

RudieCantFail

RudieCantFail

Baton Rouge, LA
January 2006

JUL 21, 2007 11:58 PM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:
I'm envisioning Lovitz stepping back abruptly from Dick's mangled pulpy face, bowing in a gentile fashion, and howling "AAAAAACTING!"



I LOL'd biggrin biggrin biggrin

Cassiel said:
I loved Lovitz on 'The Critic'



+1

scylis

scylis

USA
November 2004

JUL 22, 2007 12:09 AM

man, why can't Andy Dick piss off someone who can actually mangle the fuck like he deserves? why can't he just so happen to piss off Henry Rollins? hospitalized for days (i subscribe to Hunter's theory of crack-induced regeneration, mind). could Dick do the world a favor and just look at Russell Crowe the "wrong way?" science knows that's all it'd take. or Warren Ellis? that there would probably be something to record for the Ages. i don't think my brain can entirely fathom what horrible and extremely grotesque death that man would cook up for Dick, save that it would be anything but boring. i can see the beginning and the end, and it goes something like this:

Andy Dick goes into the wrong watering hole one night, bumps into Ellis, does something uproariously stupid. Ellis slams back his umpteenth whiskey, slams the glass on the bar, and says something witty and Brittish, you know, for posterity.
next morning, the world wakes up to find Dick's head on a pike outside the bar, his tattered and broken skin hanging from the sign like some gloriously gory war trophy, and not enough else left to even fill a bucket.

*sigh* i know i'm living in my own little world on this one, but damnit, i fucking hate Andy Dick! he's the scum of the earth! ok, not THE the, but a member! and i'm fairly certain even Wil Wheaton can give him a more thorough thrashing than Lovitz managed (no offense to Wil. he just don't seem to be the "throttle the smack addict" kind of person)

*names of people to beat Andy Dick grabbed almost at random, or because they were to the right of the screen as i typed, actually, forming a line of random people to have a turn at beating the fuck out of Dick sounds like a good idea.

GeorgeLiquor

GeorgeLiquor

Seattle, WA
June 2007

JUL 22, 2007 12:33 AM

Haha. I was so happy when I heard about this at work.

I personally fucking LOVE Jon Lovitz, and HATE Andy Dick.

I miss Phil Heartman too.. damn.

This article just makes things better.

DrNecessitor

DrNecessitor

San Jose, CA
January 2003

JUL 22, 2007 12:35 AM

What a couple of cards! biggrin

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

JUL 22, 2007 12:44 AM

Please, more beating up of Andy Dick. Thank you.

KingHELL

kinghell

Portland, OR
July 2003

JUL 22, 2007 12:44 AM

Funniest thing Greg Giraldo ever said: "Andy Dick has dedicated his life to giving AIDS back to the monkeys."

d_day

d_day

San Bernardino, CA
July 2002

JUL 22, 2007 12:53 AM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:
I'm envisioning Lovitz stepping back abruptly from Dick's mangled pulpy face, bowing in a gentile fashion, and howling "AAAAAACTING!"



BRILLIANT!

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