9 People On TV I’d Like To Hit With a Shovel

And I’ll show you the shovel. A pretty easy concept to wrap your head around. I’m ignoring “fish in a barrel” types like Rosie O’Donnell, Jay Leno, Simon Cowell, John Belushi, Carlos Mencia, etc. and they're not listed in any particular order. Feel free to add more.


9) Jimmy Fallon- Apparently he’s taking over "Late Night" for Conan O'Brien in '08. A talk show. That’s right, the premise of the show is… Jimmy Fallon… talking. I’m pretty sure I could work up the anger to punch him while on ecstasy.

I chose a nice, sturdy-looking shovel for him. Solid construction, easy-grip handle... I anticipate a nice loud "gong" on impact.



8) Stan Lee- "Who Wants To Be a Superhero? C’mon, man, you're a god. You created the Fantastic Four, you’re better than this. Average slobs clad in repurposed workout gear does not a super-hero make. ‘Nuff Said.

I picked out a plastic scooped, gravel shovel. More of a mercy shot, just hard enough to knock him out so he can be taken some place far away from ill-advised basic cable trainwrecks.



7) Bam Margera- When does “fucking with your parents” stop being funny? I mean, start. Whoa, there are goats in the living room! Now there’s a spaceship in our bedroom! Now there’s a-- Zzzzzz... This mascara’d douchebag is the absolute definition of unamusing. His MTV show actually opens with a VO guy asking. “What will Bam do next?” Bam answers “Anything I want.” 11 year-olds everywhere flip off their parents, and go about the task of cleaning their rooms.

A short, squat, uninteresting tool. I'd have trouble telling them apart, but I'd grab the one closest to me and use it on the other. Mercilessly.



6) Isaiah Washington- For being a huge, whiny baby. Denying. Admitting, Begging forgiveness. Denying again. Complaining. That’s a great way to spend six months.

An aluminum show shovel. Not much damage, I'm guessing. More of an umcomfortable slap.



5) The asian contestant from Top Chef- I’m not looking his name up. He is atrocious. Ironically, his personality is the one thing wretched enough to render his glorious-looking food inedible. He should serve people through a plastic bubble.

A child's toy shovel. I'd slap him around with it, then insult him by using it to eat his food.



4) Mark Mcgrath from "Extra"- Or is it Access Hollywood? Congrats, you found a job more embarrassing than being in Sugar Ray. (I'm not proud.) And you seem really excited about shitty movies. Good for you. I wonder if you dream about saying, "Back to you, Dana."?

This appears to be some kind of post-hole digger. I'd bean him right over the head with it.



3) The Dos Equis beer-spawned, "Most Interesting Man in the World- "Hey, maybe no one will notice if we rip-off all those 'Chuck Norris facts' that were so popular on the internet a few years ago. We can even have a guy with a husky voice list all the manly atributes! It'll be really funny!" Poor Chuck... His throne, so delayed in arrival, was usurped in an instant.

Not sure what you'd call this. But I'd hit him with it and then use it to bury him. Right next to all the other shitty ad campaigns. Yeah, that's right, "Bud Light" VO guy.



2) Flava Flav You were in one of the greatest groups of all time. Now you're... I'm not even sure what you're doing. Sad. You need to take a close look at one of those dangling clocks...

This looks like a ceremonial ground-breaking shovel. Maybe its mighty blows would shake something loose, "breaking ground" on a whole new Flav... Either way, I'd have fun.



1) Hugh Hefner-I don't understand the holiest of holy reverence paid to this obsolete and embarrassingly out of touch dinosaur. The idea that HH is somehow considered a god or creature to be admired and celebrated. "Look, he's doing it for us!" What, exactly? "Umm, sex, or something. Isn't it great? He's fucking stuff."

And the comedy... Oh, the comedy. Every unfunny joke, aside, pun or poorly crafted piece of innuendo. Of course sex is phenomenal. Seriously, it is. Having sex is the greatest. You know what's somewhat less than the greatest? Endless variations on a joke where the punch line is always "sex." Whether it's HH himself groping a pair of uncomfortable looking sorority girls or some giddy talk show host intro'ing him as if he's done something fantastic for men everywhere and we should all bow down.

Not a single desire I possess is quenched by the sight of a hideous old man winking creepily at me while making suggestive comments. The subtext of every statement is "I'm going to have sex! Get it? Wink, wink, I'm having sex with this woman! Here is some not so clever joke about how I love sex. Here is a viagra reference! You know... For all the sex!"

A rusty, tired-looking shovel that's seen better days. You'll notice, unlike Hef, its rugged oak shaft has no problem staying hard. Or knocking down old men.