News > Celeb > Hands Up! Gimme All Your-- Hey, Is That Quiche?

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FRIDAY JULY 13 2007 8:00 PM

Hands Up! Gimme All Your-- Hey, Is That Quiche?

Tags: Masked intruder, crazy, miracle, party of the year

Those of us who love stories have, since the dawn of time, been awaiting the "world's most incredible story." I don't think it's hyperbole to say that that story has arrived.

A grand feast of marinated steaks and jumbo shrimp was winding down, and a group of friends was sitting on the back patio of a Capitol Hill home, sipping red wine. Suddenly, a hooded man slid in through an open gate and put the barrel of a handgun to the head of a 14-year-old guest.

"Give me your money, or I'll start shooting," he demanded, according to D.C. police and witness accounts.

So far, just your typical home invasion story. Sometimes the robber wears a hood, sometimes it's a mask. In films, it's often an "ex-presidents" Halloween mask. Very rarely, it's an old-timey diver's helmet.

The five other guests, including the girls' parents, froze and then one spoke.

"We were just finishing dinner," Cristina "Cha Cha" Rowan, 43, blurted out. "Why don't you have a glass of wine with us?"

This is where, if this were a crappy movie, the record player would "scratch" and the whole room would freeze, then look over anxiously. Perhaps an elderly woman would faint and then get fanned by a napkin-wielding waiter.

The intruder took a sip of their Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry and said, "Damn, that's good wine."

Read that last line again. 'The intruder took a sip of their Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry and said, "Damn, that's good wine." Wow...

Also, sidebar- Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry? I always found it a bit precocious.

The girl's father, Michael Rabdau, 51, who described the harrowing evening in an interview, told the intruder, described as being in his 20s, to take the whole glass. Rowan offered him the bottle. The would-be robber, his hood now down, took another sip and had a bite of Camembert cheese that was on the table.

Sorry "Moby Dick," I've never read you, but I guarantee there's nothing in you as amazing as that. This robber is incredible. Is he a super-respectful dude who fell into a life of crime? Or just a tremendous lover of cheese? It saddens me that I may never know the truth.

Then he tucked the gun into the pocket of his nylon sweatpants.

"I think I may have come to the wrong house," he said, looking around the patio of the home in the 1300 block of Constitution Avenue NE.

"I'm sorry," he told the group. "Can I get a hug?"

Rowan, who lives in Falls Church and works part time at her children's school, stood up and wrapped her arms around him. Then it was Rabdau's turn. Then his wife's. The other two guests complied.

"That's really good wine," the man said, taking another sip. He had a final request: "Can we have a group hug?" The five adults surrounded him, arms out.

Uh, no thanks "The Bible," this is the greatest story ever told.

With that, the man walked out with a crystal wine glass in hand, filled with Chateau Malescot. No one was hurt, and nothing was stolen.

Maybe every job he ever pulled, he was waiting for someone to just be cool, size him up, then offer him a drink. Years and years and all he got was anger and fear... Until now.

"We believe it is a true robbery," said Cmdr. Diane Groomes, who is in charge of patrols in the Capitol Hill area. But it's one-of-a-kind, she said, adding, "I've never heard of a robber joining a party and then walking out to the sunset."

"I was definitely expecting there would be some kind of casualty," Rabdau said this week. "He was very aggressive at first; then it turned into a love fest. I don't know what it was."

"There was this degree of disbelief and terror at the same time," Rabdau said. "Then it miraculously just changed. His whole emotional tone turned like, we're one big happy family now. I thought: Was it the wine? Was it the cheese?"

It was the family. As cool as this crook is, it takes two to tango (so I've been told, I may've been misinformed) and this family totally stepped up. Me? I'd have squeeled like a stepped-on-hog, then tried to run before getting hit with the butt of the shotgun and waking up to an empty plate of cheese.

This is a family of heroes. People are always talking about how "so and so," should be sent over to the Middle East to handle stuff for us. Usually it's really tough guys, obnoxious people or mother-in-law types. "Send her over there, her nagging wou--" Yeah, you get it. This family, however, they should go. You give them access to a wider variety of liquor and food to woo their victims with, let them decorate some abandoned hanger like a middle class living room, a little music... Then just start sending people in, one by one. One side, angry soldiers entering. On the other, tipsy, slightly-too-full dupes who now know more than they'd like about the Rabdau's new puppy, stumbling out into the world with a message of peace in their hearts.

After the intruder left, the guests walked inside the house, locked the door and stared at each other. They didn't say a word. Rabdau dialed 911. Police arrived quickly and took a report. They also dusted for fingerprints so far, to no avail.

In the alley behind the home, investigators found the intruder's empty crystal wine glass on the ground, unbroken.

They didn't specify... but I bet you the glass had been washed and polished.

The only thing TheCoolerKing steals is hearts... from medical supply warehouses to be resold on the black market. Message him for rates.