Then my balls hits the floor with a metallic clank, rolled under a nearby bookshelf, and exploded like two fucking hand grenades.

I’m totally serious. I may need medical attention, but I’m gonna type fast to get this done.



This could be the greatest B-movie of the modern era. Sure, it looks derivative in spots, but in all the right ways. It has everything you could ever want from a B-picture.

- A-list actors slumming it and having fun: Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti.

- The hero's ill-advised shit-talking in the face of imminent torture. Usually some variation on “I’ll tell you what torture is... your breath!” Always good. Have a mediocre joke? Tie a guy to a chair, have another guy hold a chainsaw over him, then have the first guy say the joke. Yeah, better, right?

- Frames that freeze and turn into a sepia-tone or monochromatic, stylized image. Overused and getting stale, but not there yet. I wish everything I looked at, all day long, froze and turned sepia-tone, before the name of whatever it was whooshed in front of it in bold letters. Girls, cars on the street, my coffee pot… Everything.

- A bad-ass who thinks he’s on top finding out that the mild-mannered guy he was tormenting is actually a bigger bad-ass. Oops. That accountant’s a navy seal? That homeless guy is an ex-green beret? That nerdy kid is a Dracula? Awesome.

- Remember that great scene in "Anchorman" where Will Ferrell gets hit in the face with a filling cabinet drawer? Well, how about in our version a bullet punches the drawer into a dude’s face? Why yes, I would like to see-- Garghhh! (Drops to floor in a spasm, overcome with ecstasy.)

- Throw in a Motley Crue song. Yeah, who knew this’d be on the list? Not me. But when, out of nowhere, “Kick Start My Heart,” blasts onto the screen I got a phantom erection from where my dick used to be. It was… bittersweet.

- Hero unleashing self-deprecating asides. "I'm a British nanny, and I'm dangerous." Oh shit.

- Villain expressing frustration with his minion's inability to get hero, usually with a quip. "My God, do we really suck, or is this guy really that good?" Fuck yeah.

- Huge WTF moment, in this case, hero appearing to plummet into whirling helicopter blades.

- Monica Belluci

See you in September. The line starts right here behind me...


TheCoolerKing enjoys talking in the third person when using italics.