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  • TUESDAY JULY 10 2007 8:00 PM

Steve McQueen's Corpse Rolls Over, Cocks Loaded .45



It seems Brad Pitt is remaking the Steve McQueen classic, Bullitt.

I like Brad Pitt. Even though it makes my job that much harder, I have to admit, he's good. In theory, he's hate-able. In execution, he's actually a laid back-seeming guy, underrated actor and a pretty good movie "tough guy."

What he isn't, is anywhere close to as cool as fucking Steve McQueen. They could've done worse, but, ideally, they wouldn't have done it at all.

McQueen was and is, the coolest. His movies should be left alone, in some place where awesome things go to be awesome. I'd sooner see you remake the bible with a wise-cracking "Hay-zeus" who sports a goatee and drives a jet boat-Ark... Or re-do the Mona Lisa with indiglo paint, a hidden eye gimmick and Waldo. (I found these references in a book on 1998. It was pretty good.)

How about a remake/re-imagining called Citizen Cane, featuring the animated misadventures of a lovable walking stick and the people he helps, voiced with re-cut Orson Welles' clips. How about you take that idea...

Or the umpteenth variation on one of those poignant, "We thought we were teaching him.. but he was teaching us... Hold on, we actually were teaching him after all," feel good films about a mentally-challenged, Native American Martian. (See, he was Native American but raised by Martians who, at some point, accidentally damaged his brain.)

But no, they had to go and try to remake a classic. Did Alec Baldwin do such a good job on The Getaway? Did Pierce Brosnan hit The Thomas Crown Affair, out of the park? The answers are "no" and "no." Oh, I'm not linking to their imdb pages but if you crave mediocrity, go take a look.

I know it's been said far too many times but please stop remaking movies. This film is as kick-ass as it will ever be. '68 Mustang, iconic turtleneck, Steve McQueen playing "Frank Bullitt," and the greatest car chase ever put on film.

Get ready for '08 Mustang (as well as every other car Ford makes thanks to the inevitable product placement), a shirt unbuttoned to the waist for no apparent reason, Pitt playing "Ray Gunz," and a CGI cluster-fuck. No doubt set to the this song, which one guy loved so much in Kill Bill he decided to put it in his own movie. That's cool, right?

Without McQueen this is a standard idea. Renegade cop crosses the line to protect a witness, drives cars fast. Is this a story Hollywood has yet to tackle post-Bullitt? It is? Then go make it and call it something else.

According to legend, McQueen and the film's director were allowed to ride along with the San Francisco Police. The cops didn't care for McQueen and tried to spook him by inviting him on a tour of the city morgue. Unfazed, McQueen showed up carrying a sack lunch... I had a hack joke involving Pitt bringing a vomit bag all set to go, then came to my senses. Like I said, I like Pitt. So, let's just say that maybe Pitt would've shown up with an apple, but I'm betting McQueen ate oysters.

TheCoolerKing, who took his very own name from a McQueen film, is guessing not enough people know who McQueen is to bother clicking on this article.

 

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_Elichrusos

_Elichrusos

Australia
November 2004

JUL 12, 2007 02:01 AM

vegascoyote said:
you newswire people stick together like bad acne.


It's a side effect of being right.

and since im obviously so inexperienced with the whole ignore thing, ill try it right now.


Have fun discovering how wrong you are!

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

JUL 12, 2007 02:01 AM

_Heather said:

vegascoyote said:
wait...let me guess, you and heather are using the same computer, which isnt the first computer for either one of you?


I'm, sorry, but what the fuck is this meant to mean?

Also, people who misuse ellipses in sentences are disqualified from whining about other people's posts. Sorry, but grammar hates you.



You kind of have to read his posts twice to figure them out.

^
and what Rudie said.

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

JUL 12, 2007 02:02 AM

vegascoyote said:
you newswire people stick together like bad acne. and since im obviously so inexperienced with the whole ignore thing, ill try it right now.



We are pack animals. The crippled and diseased must be driven from the pack.

I'm now ignoring you, forever. Bye!

_Elichrusos

_Elichrusos

Australia
November 2004

JUL 12, 2007 02:03 AM

We've both used computers before today? Also, I like to I hang out in your basement[1].

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
1: That part's true, but I didn't want you to find out like this. blackeyed

teddy__kgb

teddy__kgb

Albuquerque, NM
February 2007

JUL 12, 2007 02:15 AM

pack animals, pffft. more like herd mentality. nice elitist ethic, though. i consider it a compliment that you find me crippled or diseased. poser.

Slocum

Slocum

Dallas, TX
October 2005

JUL 12, 2007 02:44 AM

Sorry to break up the off topic stuff. I was thinking about the idea that there are no original script ideas left, and I was actually talking to my brother about this earlier. I don't think that there's a lack of originality, just a lack of producers wanting to put out anything they know for sure won't get a hefty return. I don't know anything about the movie business. I'm saying that to cover my ass here so no one will later say that I don't know shit about the movie business.
If someone comes up with a brilliant script, shops it around, I'd imagine that most of the big studios are of the mentality that, if it can't make millions on the opening weekend, open the door for sequels, merchandising...it's not worth the effort. These movies might get made with independent studios, which means they won't get seen by as many people. There are good, original stories out there, they just aren't summer blockbusters.

I would like to see Plan 9 from Outer Space remade. Shave Jon Goodman so he can play Tor Johnson's part, Angelina Jolie can play Vampira's...you've got a hit on your hands. I'd hate to see it done, though. It's so damned wonderful as it is.

Hollywood is going to keep doing remakes so they can capitalize on nostalgia. Aren't there supposed to be remakes of Speed Racer, the Thundercats, and Alvin and the Chipmunks coming soon?

Has anyone read Hollywood Rat Race? It was Ed Wood's primer on making it in Hollywood. It's worth it just to read him talk about how guys are wearing lipstick and everyone loves angora.

teddy__kgb

teddy__kgb

Albuquerque, NM
February 2007

JUL 12, 2007 03:07 AM

sorry i got so off topic, it was just in response to the writer of the article getting ridiculously invovled in a pissing match with someone he shouldnt have.

i have friends who have written and doctored scripts for hollywood. what you say about the producers is absolutely right. from what i understand, many of them beat their drums about integrity and quality. then they fold in the face of kazillions of dollars, and everyone around them bandying about like chimpanzees doing the dollar dance. have you seen the player? it covers this angle brilliantly. of course when the movie does make kazillions, everyones off the hook, regardless of the quality.

there are some good scripts done by relatively unknown writers and directors. sometimes hollywood gets them, and it works. see vanilla sky, formerly abra los ojos. sometimes they dont work so well (i cant think of an example right now). that is all subjective, though, and the dollar signs have a way of wiping out creativity in favor of a proven formula. when the formula doesnt work anymore, they just devise a new one.

im never a fan of remaking old b-movies, just because they are so unique, kind of like going to the land of the lost. i havent read hollywood rat race, but i will check it out.

Slocum

Slocum

Dallas, TX
October 2005

JUL 12, 2007 03:43 AM

I would just like to see Plan 9 remade, to see what millions of dollars could have done with it.

What is the player? I'm guessing that's a movie...I don't know. Let me know.

I guess it's much like the literary world. When junkie lit is in they want books just the same. Other authors, just as gifted, get overlooked because they aren't writing about issues that are with the times. "With the times?" Wow, suddenly I'm an eighty six year old man.

I'd also suggest Ed Wood's fiction. I read Killer in Drag not too long ago and it wasn't so bad. It wasn't the most important piece of literature in the last hundred years, but it wasn't that bad of a story. The great thing was, and this is for those who are fans of Ed Wood, the main character was Glen, who had an alter ego known as Glenda. Ring a bell?

I don't know about the process, but there's always hope with the independent filmmakers. I'll say, yet again, that I don't know anything about the movie business, so don't attack me for my opinions.

Let's remake Cannonball Run 2. Not the original Cannonball Run. Just the sequel.

Slocum

Slocum

Dallas, TX
October 2005

JUL 12, 2007 03:56 AM

Is there a remake being done about the Hair Bear Bunch? I'm a firm believer in the idea that if you put something like this into the ether, it will get produced. So yeah, Hair Bear Bunch. Do it. Put Ben Affleck into a bear suit. If you can't get him, Matt Damon. Awesome. C'mon Hair Bear Bunch...

breetini

breetini

Pagosa Springs, CO
October 2006

JUL 12, 2007 07:47 AM

Dude he was born Terence Steven McQueen how "cool" can he really be? All Classics will be Redone thats just how the story goes......The real question is, when will someone blow the classic out of the water? (i say never) Bree

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

JUL 12, 2007 09:08 AM

stigmatamartyr13 said:
Why don't people show Charles Bronson more love?



I couldn't agree with you more. Add Lee Marvin to that list as well.

Flux

Flux

SUICIDEGIRL

Georgia, USA

JUL 12, 2007 09:15 AM

TheCoolerKing said:

stigmatamartyr13 said:
Why don't people show Charles Bronson more love?



I couldn't agree with you more. Add Lee Marvin to that list as well.



I would show Lee Marvin my love in the family way.

A Hell in the Pacific sandwich with him and Toshiro? Boy howdy.

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

JUL 12, 2007 11:27 AM

Flux said:

TheCoolerKing said:

stigmatamartyr13 said:
Why don't people show Charles Bronson more love?



I couldn't agree with you more. Add Lee Marvin to that list as well.



I would show Lee Marvin my love in the family way.

A Hell in the Pacific sandwich with him and Toshiro? Boy howdy.



That movie is perfect. As is his performance in Point Blank... and everything.

This is an story a friend of mine told me about Marvin. I probably think about it twice a day.

"One of my favorite anecdotes a teacher in college ever mentioned involved Lee Marvin. I had this guy for 20th century American lit. who also wrote books about hollywood. Once he was doing research in LA way back when and was going into, I think, the Formosa and Lee Marvin was coming out. He pointed and really excitedly exclaimed "Lee Marvin!" to which Lee Marvin coolly looked him up and down, pointed back, and just said..."Joe Blow." And with that he walked away."

smithers_jones

smithers_jones

I'm lost
November 2003

JUL 12, 2007 11:35 AM

TheCoolerKing said:
"One of my favorite anecdotes a teacher in college ever mentioned involved Lee Marvin. I had this guy for 20th century American lit. who also wrote books about hollywood. Once he was doing research in LA way back when and was going into, I think, the Formosa and Lee Marvin was coming out. He pointed and really excitedly exclaimed "Lee Marvin!" to which Lee Marvin coolly looked him up and down, pointed back, and just said..."Joe Blow." And with that he walked away."



One day I hope to achieve that level of condescension to total strangers.

jason

jason

USA
August 2002

JUL 12, 2007 12:25 PM

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