Now that the Paris Hilton media wankfest has finally died down a bit, I am loathe to bring the subject up again. Each time someone blogs the name "Paris Hilton" or re-posts a picture of her hairless, crab-bitten pudenda, her net worth increases five dollars. That's like five whole Big Gulps, or two and a half forties of Colt 45. Five liters of delicious carbonated goodness or fucking ONE HUNDRED ounces of drunktastic, watery fun juice, falling into the wrong hands and getting converted into something totally lame, like .05 grams of cocaine that will subsequently be snorted off of charming ladies' man Brandon Davis' smug, oily cock. Also, every time you click on and read a story about the Princess of Pubic Lice, God kills six kittens. So if you'd rather go and masturbate or something and save five net kittens, I will understand.

But if you are as horrible a person as me, you do not give a shit about the kittens and you want to read any and everything I have to tell you about the Monarch of Molloscum-contagiosum.

Well too bad! Today, I'm meta-reporting on the un-sung heroes and villians of this trying time, those brave, high class journalistic pros(titutes) that make up the media.

Barbara Walters started things off on a fellati-icious note by reading a transcript of a "phone conversation" in which the Queen of Chlamydia tells her she has found God in jail [insert prison-God-rape joke here]:

Nice use of simile, Paris...you're busted! If you can find any instances of proper use of the similes "like" or "as" in an episode of the Simple Life I'll eat my words, but this sounds a lot like publicity-bitch speak to me.

Again, it's doubtful the Infanta of Anal Warts would even attempt to use "nor."

She also "talked" to Barbara about creating a Paris Hilton Playhouse for Children (!!!) where sick children can presumably recover and have fun with sandboxes full of cocaine, swimming pools full of jizz, and snacks full of bulimia! They can also get exercise running from Nicole Richie's spider child when they make the mistake of trying to get it to share its Vicodin with them.

Yawn...prostitutey business as usual.

Next up is Anderson Cooper, who feebly expressed his displeasure at being forced to cover the Duchess of Gonorrhea every chance he got.

But in the end, he rolled over and offered up his ass for penetration like any good media call girl. Mmm, CNN likes it when it can tell you're totally not into it. Can you maybe cry a little? Fuck yeah.

But never fear! Rushing in to keep media decent was that pillar of journalistic integrity and anal chastity Tony Danza:

This is coming from a man whose greatest artistic achievement's re-runs got cancelled by TBS Superstation, and whose short lived talk show featured such serious and important guests as Shannen Doherty, Drew Lachey, and--oops!--Paris Hilton.

Is anyone out there NOT a hypocrite?

Well check out THIS bitch:

What the fuck is her problem? She is stubbornly, rudely not taking it in the ass from anyone. I almost couldn't believe this video was real when I found it. This is MSNB fucking C. Don't they pre-screen anchors for anal generosity? She should take a cue from her co-workers and get a good gape going as she watches the Empress of Herpes' cute, hypnotic strut.

My final instance of retardation comes from some lady named Lisa Bloom, who basically claims (around 2:20) that Paris Hilton HAS to be a postmodern celebutard who is famous for being famous, because otherwise she'd have to be a prostitute (this little speech is conveniently missing from CNN.com's transcript of the show.):

This one really fucks with your head. You think she's standing up for Paris, but if you stand up for someone by calling them a whore, do the two speech-actions cancel each other out? I sincerely can't decide if she's the most subversively uppity one of the bunch or the most retarded. Ow, my brain.

In conclusion: since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a journalist. I think I'm going to go kill myself now.