What was previously dismissed as her slow, snakelike digestion of a raisin or maybe a couple of pomegranate seeds has now been confirmed as something far more horrifying: Nicole Richie is harboring the demon seed of Good Charlotte front-twunt Joel Madden.

OMG! Stop the presses! No, seriously. Do you understand what this means? The impregnation of a frail, bloodless skeleton in a tiara by the retardo-sperm of a man famous for wearing guyliner and gifting the world with his own unique brand of computer generated torture-pop can only be a signal that the end is nigh. Even if he did somehow manage to insert his eternally pubescent, decadence-weakened member into her diamond-lined, non-period-having body cavity without immediately grinding her to dust, where did the retardo-sperm implant itself? How did it escape consumption by the family of wolf spiders that currently calls Richie's body cavity home? Perhaps the wolf spiders have taken pity on the foetus and decided to raise it as one of their own. If this is true, we can all look forward to a sonically pernicious, Vicodin-popping spider child that is going to eat us all, starting with its parents, upon its triumphant emergence from incubation. At least we won't have to listen to Good Charlotte anymore.

This is the best case scenario, of course. What actually happens will probably be much, much stupider and not nearly as cool. But awesome spider child or none, this is probably still a sign of the apocalypse tantamount with two headed calves and locusts. This theory is further supported by the hatching by a gay flight attendant of a self-hating
two-headed lizard named Paris and Nicole. You can decide for yourself what you think is going to happen...but I'm hedging my bets on the Apocalypse.