We all knew this was coming.

Way to set an example, Bill. What hope do the rest of us have if not even you can stem this tide? I knew putting nerds in charge was a mistake.

Guy who “chomps cigars,” easily trumps “guy who puts in cigarette backwards to look cool at party and ends up choking and making a fool of himself,” any day of the week. C’mon, we all know that had to have happened at some point. No doubt the memory of that night was what propelled him to greatness. And the fading of that ememory is clearly what has hastened his fall.

He needs the fear put back in him. The angry red-faced, spittle soaked chants of “Nerd!” ringing in his ears will re-ignite his once flaming passions.

I urge each of you to pull out all the stops. If we as a nation can spur him on to the greatness he once held, then he in turn can carry us on his brittle nerd-back to undreamed of new heights. Um, provided he doesn’t suffer from vertigo.

Purple-nurples, wedgies, the royal flush, the dick-kick, the New Jersey book knock… All tools we must use to get him back on the right track… and with him… America!

Mexican publication? Hmmm… I bet it’s all a lie. Whew, false alarm everyone, call it off, no need to haze the geek.

Although, now that I think about it, a quick Indian Burn would only serve to keep him motivated.


TheCoolerKing does not actually advocate the pummeling of nerds, rich or otherwise, for any reason.