Maxim Ranks the Ladies Yet Again

If you needed another reason not to like once-upon-a-time-it-was-funny Maxim, its good-hearted editors have put together a list of television's least appealing women. The one common denominator: None look like Jessica Alba. Does that make them unattractive... or just interesting?

The countdown:

10. Christiane Amanpour, CNN

Maxim: If we want incisive reporting on whatever region in the world happens to be blowing up, we’ll turn to the stern, forbidding Amanpour and her boxy haircut. If we want a foot massage, we’ll turn to Fox News and its chorus line of teleprompter showgirls.

Me: She’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but the woman’s got balls. And that can be sexy.

9. Pam Grier on The L Word

Maxim: And yet she almost maintains enough of her blaxploitation-flick 'tude and tush to make us overlook her current keg-shaped frame. Almost.

Me: What the fuck? Pam is still fierce, still foxy, still friggin’ cool.

8. America Ferrera on Ugly Betty

Maxim: We haven’t seen the show yet and, frankly, are too lazy to dig up the name of the actress who inhabits the titular role. But her prosthetic caterpillar eyebrows and tinsel teeth already have us contemplating a defection to less-funny-than-gout time slot foe 'Til Death on Fox. No, really.

Me: Goofy props don’t do anything to hide the beauty of this Real Women Have Curves actress. Sweet, talented and secure enough to fake ugly. That’s hot.

7. Peggy Hill, King of the Hill

Maxim: Neither as randy as Marge Simpson nor as, um, sturdily built as Lois Griffin, Ms. Hill's irrepressible good cheer makes us think of Mom. We’d love for her to come over and make us a peanut butter sandwich, though.

Me: Is she the hottest of animated moms? I don’t know, but it’s making me uncomfortable just thinking about it.

6. Fran Drescher, Living with Fran

Maxim: Is this show still on the air? Has she moved over to Nanny 911 now? Either way, her nasal bray and too-tight tops are as indelibly etched into the nether regions of our subconscious as that incident with the Wonder Woman underoos and the poorly secured changing room at the local five-and-dime.

Me: Okay, she annoys me too. But she’s a tough lady from Queens who could kick the heinies of those Maxim guys.

5. Jerri Blank, Strangers With Candy

Maxim: That overbite. That emotional neediness. Those threads. The prospect of spending an hour - a SEXY hour - with this character played by Amy Sedaris is almost as jarring as the prospect of spending an hour - a TELEVISED hour - with Jay Leno.

Me: I’ll give them that one. Amy Sedaris = appealing. Jerri Blank = not appealing

4. Tina Yothers, Celebrity Fit Club 4

Maxim: She’s the living, breathing, gravy-quaffing embodiment of a Kewpie doll. Think a better-mannered Courtney Love, but with jet-black hair and an extra pillow or two in the trunk.

Me: That’s just mean. And next to whiny former Fit Clubbers like Countess Vaughn and the Snapple lady, Tina’s a sweetheart.

3. Tina Fey, 30 Rock

Maxim: Has anybody ever gotten more mileage out of a dopey pair of glasses, a scar, and tripping over her own tissue-sharp punch lines? If Fey is truly the thinking man’s sex symbol, then we humbly hand over our library cards.

Me: Can’t even dignify this with a response.

2. Calamity Jane, Deadwood

Maxim: We've never seen Robin Weigert clad in anything other than her filthy Calamity Jane getup. Supposedly she "cleans up well," but after watching Calamity Jane drunkenly piss herself purple and spend more than a few nights on a mattress of mud, we’d be happy if she simply cleaned up, period.

Me: Dirty, yes. But there were a couple scenes of her in a bathtub that revealed a smoking figure. Plus she was a raging alcoholic – isn’t that how Maxim likes its women?

1. Nancy Grace, CNN Headline News

Maxim: She hits the unboinkable trifecta of unattractive, unlikeable, and fiercely judgmental. When Grace is spewing her criminologist-lite bile, we’d sooner get our statistics about American donut consumption—or whatever the hell Headline News is highlighting on its news crawl nowadays—from Al Jazeera.

Me: No argument here. She’s just foul.

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The gorgeous Ms. Grier | The possibly bewigged Ms. Grace

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