Many people fear Asshole Fuckfaces and spend their lives hiding and cowering from the worst humanity has to offer. That’s where I come in. For centuries, my people have shown a light on the most hideous among us, so that we may know their identity and protect ourselves accordingly. Each week, I scour the Earth looking for the worst of the worst and present them to you, so that you may mock and scorn them, like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. So, put on your favorite plastic hoodie and prepare yourself for a dip into Lake Disgusting.

First up, Philadelphia is no stranger to Asshole Fuckacery, but the city of brotherly love managed to reach new lows this week.

Police witnessed a shooting while conducting a drug surveillance operation in the Hunting Park section of Philadelphia. Four men in a car shot at and injured three people standing on a street corner. One of the suspects escaped on foot, while the three others sped away in a car. Police pursued and caught them. That’s when the Asshole Fuckfacery started.



Welcome to the world of cameras! You’re probably going to get to know those guys better in the yard. Oh, and way to make three attempted murderers rich. That’ll teach ‘em.

Thirteen of the cops have been suspended. The beating victims have been charged with assault, conspiracy and reckless endangerment. The beatings occurred two days after a police officer was shot to death during a bank robbery. Hey, maybe next time try therapy.

Next up, South African Asshole Fuckfaces have come up with a way to deal with lesbians.

South Africa is seeing an “alarming rise” in the number of “corrective rapes.” What are “corrective rapes” you ask? Well, get out your barf bag and take a look.

Well, that’s about as awful a sentence as I have ever read in my life. Apparently the problem is especially acute in the Western Cape area. Corrective rape is mostly taking place in schools and is often a student on student crime. The University of South Africa recently did a study and concluded “schools are unsafe places for many lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgendered learners.”

But the entire country has a serious problem with lesbian rape. Recently a lesbian football player named Eudy Simeland was gang raped, repeatedly stabbed and killed after returning from a night out. Many South African communities also believe it is acceptable for a man for force himself on a woman if she ignores his come-ons.

Remind me never to go to South Africa. Also, remind me not to grow a vagina.

Next up, some soldiers in Iraq doing an awesome job of Asshole Fuckfacery.



Oh, man, how funny is it to kill dogs? Apparently it’s hilarious. Keep up the good work, boys. Shit likes this makes the military look awesome. And by all means – fucking film that shit and put it up on You Tube. Can’t see how that might be a problem.

Next up, there really are no greater Asshole Fuckfaces in the world than the ones who run Burma.

Burma was hit by a cyclone last week and death tolls are estimated up to 100,000. The country is completely devastated. Entire villages have been washed away and people have no food or medicine. It could not be a worse or more horrific situation. Yet, the military government refuses to allow aid workers into the country.

A few planes carrying aid have been allowed into the country – but far fewer than what is needed. The military is only using 7 helicopters to distribute the aid throughout the devastated nation. These Asshole Fuckfaces are simply evil.

By all means, take a break. You’ve been working hard with all the killing of monks and whatnot.

And the final Asshole Fuckface in video. (It's only a 3:21 video, don't know what happened and I can't fix it)

The White House admitted in a court of law this week that it blatantly broke the law and... nobody gives a shit. Late on Sunday night, the criminals known as the Bush Administration acknowledged in a court filing that they don’t have backup tapes of emails between March 1 and May 22, 2003. Nothing much happened during that time, except the build up to the Iraq War. As a matter of fact, May 22nd just happens to be the day the UN gave formal approval to the US occupation of Iraq. How unlucky is that? And, it turns out we have something called the Presidential Records Act, which is a law that requires the president to save all his records. Thank God nobody gives a shit about our president breaking the law.

Yeah, that's a bummer Tommy. Did you see the Laker game?

Two non-profit organizations are suing the White House to recover any missing emails and to create a more effective email archiving system. (That basically means, don’t throw your hard drives in the shitter.) Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics (CREW) and the National Security Archive (NSA) are the two groups on this mission of failure.

Up until Sunday, there were quite a few contradictory reports coming from the administration. They said they had them, then they didn’t have them, then they did, then they recycled the back up tapes, then they were lost in a boat accident, then they were killed in Russia and finally, the court was told the emails got drunk and took off in a Jeep. None of those statements turned out to be true. The court asked the White House to clear up the confusion and state exactly which backup tapes it did and did not have from March 2003 to October 2005. Finally, late Sunday night, the White House came clean and said they had totally blown it. I believe they used the legal term, “My bad” and the US media responded with the journalistic expression, “No worries.”

In October 2003, the White House stopped their “policy” of recycling backup tapes. All tapes after that date have been preserved. Up until that point, it’s a bit spotty. In 2003, no tapes exist for March thru May and for the months May thru September the number of existing tapes is extremely low.

It’s been 2 ½ years since the White House “realized” there was a problem with the archiving system – and they are still trying to say they don’t know whether many emails are missing or not. The White House is clearly trying to run out the clock, knowing nothing will be done to punish them once they are gone. After Bush leaves the White House, the Republican media machine will go bat shit crazy if anyone investigates their obvious criminal activity and the Democrats will cower in a corner and shake. But, hey, the worst thing they did was commit an act of treason, so no big.

At this point, CREW and NSA want the judge to issue a ruling that forces the White House to copy email archive files from all electronic sources. It may actually happen now that the Administration has admitted that they “can’t find” a couple months worth of emails.

Go America!

Last week, John McCain proposed an idea so incredibly stupid that Hillary Clinton decided to jump on board the next day. McCain and Clinton want to have a “gas tax holiday," which is a retarded way of saying they want to suspend the 18.4-cent-per-gallon federal gas tax and the 24.4-cent diesel tax between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

They say it would save Americans 10 billion dollars! Wow! That’s awesome. Until you use your brain, do a little math and realize $10 billion divided by America equals around 30 bucks each. Thirty bucks is now also known as a half a tank of gas. But then you lose that 30 bucks in damage done to your car by under funded roads.

Barack Obama is opposed to the gastard holiday – mostly because he’s not a pandering moron. That means Hillary gets to call him an elitist and say he’s out of touch with the average American. Just so we understand this situation, a lady who is worth $134 million dollars is saying that a guy worth $4 million is out of touch because he doesn’t want to give people $30 for an entire summer.



Yummy, yummy rich people. What a tool she is. Never mind that she was against a gas tax holiday in 2000.

And that guy named Bill Clinton used to be against this idea.

Why didn’t Bill think the savings would be passed on to customers? Two reasons: First, gas companies are evil and they will just up the prices. Second, when you eliminate the gas tax, demand goes up, and then the price will go back up to what it was before the tax. It’s called economics. But, Hillary doesn’t want economics to get in the way.

Oh, Christ, someone shoot me in the face. Please fucking kill me. I can’t take how stupid these people are.

Hillary is, of course, attempting to use it as a wedge issue in ads.



You go girl! Best way to win the Democratic nomination is to become a Republican!

The McCaintards are also taking swipes at Obama for wanting an economically sound policy.

Right. Obama did support a gas tax holiday. That’s why he’s against it now, you fucking dipshit. God, why can’t I shit in the mouths of guys like this? Just once, I want to crouch over one of these guy’s faces and crap in their dumb hole. Amen.

Back in 2000, when prices were going apeshit and hitting $2 a gallon, Illinois politicians decided to give people a break. Obama and other lawmakers voted for a six-month holiday from the state’s 5-cent gas tax. The state lost $175 million in revenue, while the actual savings was only 3 cents per gallon because oil companies just upped prices.

So, the McCain campaign is calling Obama a flip-flopper because he had the audacity to make a mistake and LEARN from it. Good stuff. McCain and Clinton are the worst kind of politicians in this instance. They are panderers attempting to take advantage of Americans who are having a hard time. They are playing to the emotions and vulnerabilities of people who are having major economic difficulties – which makes McCain and Clinton scum.

Nearly every economist agrees that the gas tax holiday would be a total disaster. Gas prices would simply adjust back up to where they were before the tax break. And it would have a profound negative effect on our roads and highways.

Oh, hey, people work on roads and highways? You mean that $10 billion in tax revenue that goes to improve roads leads to jobs? Holy shit! Who would have thunk?

But I'm coming from a different place. I believe gas should be expensive. I think Detroit needs to build some decent cars that get over 5 miles per gallon. Right now American car makers are living in a fantasy land, a world that ceased to exist years ago. I think we need to drive less and think of alternative ways to get around. We need to invest in the energy-efficient and climate-friendly transportation alternatives. We are addicted to artificially cheap fuel and the best solution is to change how we operate.

A true leader would stand up and say, “America, you need to only drive out of necessity for one week. Those that can take the bus or a train, will. Those who can work from home, will. Those who can ride a bike, will. Those who can walk, will walk. Let's take a holiday from gas. Only by cutting our consumption will we lower prices.”

But that would take a leader, not a pandering fuck monkey.

Louis, by the grace of God, King of France and Navarre, to all present and to come, greeting from the year 1708:

Elves and Ringwraiths, Hobbits and Orcs, Gandalf and Saruman, Aragorn and Sauron, Peace and War, Light and Darkness, White and Black - that's the world of The Lord of the Rings, written more than two centuries after my death. Nevertheless, I read it last week - as what you call an eBook. Downloading such a huge oeuvre into the 18th century with a steam-powered computer is a pain in the ass - but it was worth it.

Personally, I love this book. It's very creative and rich, one of the best stories I've ever read. It's basically kind of a huge fairytale (or "literary legend" if you prefer this expression).

But that's the point: It's a fairytale. In a fairytale, it's natural to have "Good" fighting against "Evil". In a fairytale, Good and Evil are not question of behaviour, not a question of ethics, but a question of nature. Elves are good by nature, Orcs are evil by nature. Gandalf and Aragorn are good by nature, Sauron and the Nazgûl are evil by nature. As in this kind of story, good guys naturally ally with other good guys against evil guys, good and evil become also a question of sides:

Good = Us, Evil = Them

The good guys are good because they kill the evil guys, and the evil guys are evil because they kill the good guys. A very simple and clear principle. This is how fairytales work.

But what about reality? Can this conception of "Good" and "Evil" be transferred into real life? Would Gandalf be "good" in a world where goodness is - or should be - measured by ethics? Maybe not. He manipulates people. He is friends with fanatic racist Aragorn who kills orcs just for being orcs. He tortures Gollum to retrieve information. He abandons his "friends" always when they need him most. He may be even a liar. (Mister Gandalf, if you were really held prisoner on the top of Isengard, how did you get your wand back?) And power-hungry as he is, he goes far beyond his orders to "help and assist" and becomes the leader of the alliance against Sauron. (Gandalf - ripped out of the fairytale context - makes me believe that there is only one thing worse than a fanatic who pretends being sent by the gods : a fanatic who really is.)

In fact, Gandalf reminds me a real-world person who also wears a beard, a dress, and a funny hat, who feels also he has been send by some divinity, who also is full of hatred on what he considers the "Empire of Evil", and who also sends naïve innocents on suicide missions to destroy what's most precious to his enemies :



As said, this is only under the hypothesis that Gandalf would be torn out of the "fairytale" context. As character in The Lord of the Rings, I like and admire Gandalf.

But I'm digressing. The point is, you can't transfer the "Good vs. Evil" schema from The Lord of the Rings to reality. In reality, "Good" is not a question of what flag you are fighting under, it's a question of ethics, of behaviour. If you define "Good = Us, Evil = Them", you are applying exactly the same logic as Al-Qaeda.

When you run over some creature with a green face in Middle Earth, you can assume that it is evil, and kill it the most cruel way that comes to your mind; it will be okay. But you can't do the same in reality. Here's a photo of a real person with a green face:



His name is Omar Khadr, he is 15. His face is green because he just got shot into the back by a US soldier, twice. He is more or less what you call a "child soldier", and his only sin was that he maybe did what soldiers are supposed to do: kill enemy soldiers. The shooting left him blind in one eye. And as he lies there, his life is just about to become worse: he will be sent to Guantanamo, and, among other humiliations, be used as a human mop to clean urine on the floor..

Jesus said: "What you did to the least of my brothers, you have done to me." (Matthew 25:40) Think about it. I'm pretty sure that when it comes to the Last Judgment, having used Jesus as human mop will not speak in favour of the jailors of Guantanamo.

That's not how I treat my prisoners of war, and I would have executed every officer of mine who treated prisoners this way. Don't these jailors have any honour? Why do they treat their prisoners like human scum, even children? The answer why they do so is, maybe, in one of the first responses to the article I mentioned:

Frightening. That's exactly the attitude that led me to the writing of this article. We are not in LotR - this is reality. And in reality, "good" and "bad" are not questions of sides, but of ethics. And using a prisoner of war as a human mop to clean urine on the floor is not what I call an ethical behaviour.

(Oh, and by the way: Renaming "prisoners of war" into "enemy combatants" to avoid written or unwritten conventions about the treatment of prisoners of war does not help anything.)

Don't misunderstand me: I'm not telling you to turn your swords into ploughshares. I'm not telling you to make peace, not war. Wars have ever existed and will ever exist. I'm currently making war against Austrian Habsbourg and their allies.

But please, please, stop claiming that you are fighting because you are the good guys and they are the bad guys. They are your enemies, but they are not evil for being your enemies. I have probably made more wars than most of you, and I can tell you this: since the dawn of mankind, no war has ever been made for ethics. Wars are made for politics, ideology, territory and such. There is no such thing as a "good vs. evil" war.

Pardon? You don't agree? The War of Secession, to free the poor slaves? Nonsense. This war will be fought to save the Union, not to free the slaves.

Abraham Lincoln will write in 1862:

That's what was (will be) behind this war - everything else is war propaganda. In fact, every time someone tells you that you are the good guys and that he wants you to fight the evil guys, you can be pretty sure that it's war propaganda. Bin Laden tells the same thing to his people.

I feel that you still don't agree. I feel that you will object that I'm not well informed down here in 1708, that in your time, at least one intervention of America was a "Good vs. Evil" fight: The intervention in WW2, as it stopped a genocide. I agree that it did stop the genocide - but this was not the reason, it was a side-effect. America didn't intervene because Hitler was slaughtering the Jews - it intervened because he was taking over Europe. If the Allies would have wanted to stop the genocide, they would have bombarded the railroad to Auschwitz with their flying machines, but they didn't. So, stopping the "Evil" was not a priority. Stopping the growth of a rival superpower in Europe was. It wasn't about ethics, it was about politics. As always.

You see, I'm not that uninformed. I might live in 1708, but I've got Internet. However, with a terrible bandwidth.

That's why I think that the meaning of the words "Good" and "Evil" in The Lord of the Rings are not the same as in reality. And that's why I think you should not read this book unless you do realize this difference. This is a wonderful book, but dangerous if read by the simple minds. You are not Elrond, people, I'm not King Aragorn, and Omar Khadr is not an orc. We are all humans who have to question every step we do, and we will once be judged by what we did, not by what flag we were fighting for.

Elves and Ringwraiths, Hobbits and Orcs, Gandalf and Saruman, Aragorn and Sauron, Peace and War, Light and Darkness, White and Black, America and Al-Qaeda, GIs and Terrorists, Christendom and Islam, Good and Evil - do you really think it is so simple?

Given at Versailles in the month of May, in the year of grace 1708, and of our reign the sixty sixth.

Asshole Fuckfacery is very important. It gives us something to look down upon, so that we may feel better about ourselves. There would actually be no point of living without Asshole Fuckfaces crawling about the Earth. Though we may want to kill them or make them suffer, they do serve a purpose, like flies or rats. So, throw on the nearest plastic tarp and prepare yourself for the filthiest human beings of the week.

First up, a right wing Asshole Fuckface. Who would have thought?

Larry Niven is an author, a conservative and horrible human being, which means he has awesome ideas. His latest gem is a fantastic way to bring down hospital costs.

Great idea. You know what’s really cheap? An infectious virus spreading through a city because people were too scared to get treatment. It’s also inexpensive to pay for someone who didn’t get treatment for a simple infection, which allowed it to spread throughout their body and forced them into the local Intensive Care Unit. The ICU is so much cheaper! And on and on.

Any fucking moron who knows how to use Google can learn that immigrants aren't the problem when it comes to hospital costs. But conservative Asshole Fuckfaces like Niven are repelled by knowledge and the truth.

My next Asshole Fuckface makes purses and likes to sue people.

Artist Nadia Plesner began a campaign to raise awareness of the genocide occurring in Darfur last year. She designed and began selling posters and t-shirts of a Darfur victim holding a Louis Vuitton bag. All the profits went directly to charity. Apparently, Louis wasn’t pleased.

Yeah, fuck those genocide victims. Make them pay and make anyone who tries to help them suffer.

Fuck off, creep. That's a Louis Vuitton purse.

Well, good move Louis Vuitton. Your Asshole Fuckface reaction has gotten more attention than if you’d just ignored it. Too bad your purses are priced so high it makes them a symbol of everything that is wrong with the world. But, thank God you are doing what you can to stop someone aiding genocide victims. Pat yourself on the back, you awesome company, it’s got to feel good.

My next Asshole Fuckface won the greatest prize known to man and then fell as far as one can fall.

In 1993, Anthony Francis Morley won the Mr. Gay UK contest and spent the year opening “gay events and nights.” That is obviously a dream gig. To say I’m jealous would be an understatement. But life at the top isn’t easy because someday you have to give up your gay crown and move on. Anthony’s fall seems to be a massive drop. He went from Mr. Gay UK to cannibal. Beat that Tom Sizemore.

On April 24th, Anthony murdered Damian Oldfield, a man who worked for the Mr. Gay UK competition. But he wasn’t finished at killing.

Oh, my. Well, maybe he was really into that guy. It's only a matter of time before the right wing picks up this story and starts telling everyone that all gay men want to eat dudes. Literally, not....never mind.

My next Asshole Fuckface was immediately entered into the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame.

Meet Josef Fritzl. He’s your typical 73-year-old dude, who locks up his daughter in the basement for 24 years and rapes her over and over and over.

That’s some serious, serious, serious Asshole Fuckfacery.

The cops found out about the 24-year imprisonment and incestuous rape when Josef let his daughter, Elizabeth, go to the hospital because one of his daughters/granddaughters was seriously ill. How so very kind. He actually didn’t let her die AND he let his daughter/fuck puppet go visit. The 19-year-old daughter/granddaughter is still hospitalized.

Josef impregnated his daughter seven times over her years in captivity. One child died and six lucky ones survived. Three boys and three girls. Three of the kids, ages, 19, 18, and 5, never left the basement. The other three were taken and given up for “adoption” – which in some cases meant they were raised as “foster children” by Josef and his wife. The wife claims she did not know of Elizabeth’s imprisonment.

Twenty four years ago, Josef claimed Elizabeth had joined a religious cult. She was considered missing and Interpol opened a file on her disappearance. Too bad they didn’t check the cellar.

What a fucking demon.

Finally, a video Asshole Fuckface report from the wild world of animals.



No congratulations are in order this week because of Joe the Austrian.