SuicideGirls were among the winners of the LA Weekly's 2009 Web Awards for being LA's Sexiest Site (but you already knew that right?).

Missy and Radeo braved the chubby rain to pick up SG's plaque at a soiree held at Bardot on Thursday night. Other winners in SuicideGirls's extended family included SG columnist Wil Wheaton, who won Best Personal Blog, and SG photographer Zoetica and designer Courtney Riot, who picked up Coilhouse's award for LA's Best Designed Site Aesthetic.

Hit our photo gallery for more images from the night.

Thanks to the LA Weekly's Erin Broadley for organizing and hosting the event -- and for making sure the open bar was open as soon as we arrived.

It is amazingly easy to not have sex. Look at me now. Here I sit, calm as can be, not having sex. And yet, for some people, the act of not having sex has become a near impossibility. So, I thought it might be a good idea to suggest a few times, places, and people to avoid when sex is the topic.

When Not To Have Sex

There is definitely something to be said about getting caught up in the moment, about seizing the opportunity, about letting your passions run wild and forgetting the world.

But there is also something to be said about not having to explain to your grandmother why you were in the closet with the caterer with your pants around your ankles during your grandfather’s wake. I realize that it can be difficult to engage your brain when your hormones are fully engaged and the amount of blood reaching your brain is minimal. But if there is a chance that your act will cause the death of any of your elderly relatives, an early explanation of the birds and the bees to a child, or a temporary blinding, do your level best to keep your clothes fastened.

It doesn’t take much intelligence to realize that there are times when getting caught changes from being an exciting component of sex and becomes a valid danger (depending on how good the aim of the person who catches you is).

To put it bluntly, try to judge if the damage outweighs the fun. If it does, either find a different place to play, or put your equipment back in the shed.

Where Not To Have Sex



Place often has a very important role in sex. Fantasies often revolve around having sex in different locales: showers, hot tubs, classrooms, offices, dressing rooms, dental chairs, living rooms, coffins, kitchens, swimming pools, locker rooms, behind the counter of a bakery . . . Or is that one just me?

Anyway, where you have sex can make the act that much more exciting. But there are certain areas that I cannot recommend for an intimate meeting.

1. Underwater: Water washes away lube, both natural and applied, and can damage the latex in a condom (depending on the chemicals in the water), resulting in potentially painful and dangerous sex. If you want to get wet together, stick to the shower, as it doesn’t remove quite as much lubrication as emersion.

2. Backseat of a car: Yes, I know, that is the only place for privacy at times. But remember what you get: Little room, less privacy, and the distinct possibility that your mother might smell your activities when you return her car to her after the date.

3. In Public: I know, it can be quite thrilling. But, unlike in porn, the friendly neighborhood police officer is more likely to introduce you to some interesting new friends in a very small room, than ask to join in the fun. I’m not going to argue about indecency laws. Such laws are on the books, and can result in getting your name added to a list of people who aren’t allowed to live too close to schools or public parks.

4. Someone else’s living area: Whether bedroom or living room, if you are caught, you might well lose the trust and friendship of whoever has to clean up your wet spot.

5. At Work: In this, it isn’t so much the place as the possible drama that could well follow from an at-work tryst. This is a person who you will see every day, who may well end up either above or below you in a VERY non-sexual way, and who can get you fired in a second if you step one foot wrong. In this economy, is it really worth the risk?

Who Not To Have Sex With

When evaluating a sexual partner, you may find it a wise practice to go over a short, informal checklist before revealing your naughty bits. There are just a few warning signs to watch out for.

1. Children to Ex Ratio: If they already have 5 children with 5 different partners, there is a good chance that they aren’t the most forward thinking person. That is not to say they are a bad person by any means. Just that they might not have the best judgment.

2. Drama Scale: Is hooking up with this person going to increase the unwanted drama in your life? Take a look at your shared relationships. Is this person a friend’s ex? Pull up your pants. Is this person a friend of your parents? Keep your belt buckled. Is this person dating your best friend AND best friends with your stepfather, while also going through a divorce? Invest in a chastity belt.

3. Media Exposure: Just a simple thing, really. Has this person ever been featured on any of the following shows:
Cops
Court TV
Jerry Springer
Any celebrity reality show

If the answer is yes, you will have to decide if you want to become part of their second try at 15 minutes of fame.

4. Kinkiness: There is nothing wrong with someone being far away from vanilla. But if you’re into a little light bondage and feather play, and they want you to shove your fist in their ass while beating them with a 6 foot dildo and shouting stanzas from Beowulf in Old English at them, it might not be the best match.

In the end, all you have to do is remember that there is a time to have sex, and there is a time to not have sex. A Gentleman should know the difference.

The last three months of 2009 have been extremely successful for the international writers' cooperative, Year Zero, with the publication of their first seven novels. In addition, the Year Zero group issued an anthology, Brief Objects of Beauty and Despair (download as a free e-book here). Their second anthology, 13 Shadows Waiting for Sunrise, will launch at the end of December, and the group is celebrating with a series of live events featuring readings by the authors, as well as live music.

Their first gig will be at Rough Trade Records, in London's Brick Lane, starting at 6 pm on February 4th, 2010. Anyone associated with SG UK is welcome and entrance will be free. Music will be from singer/songwriter Jessie Grace, and the bands To The Moon and InLight. Authors reading extracts from their work include the fabulous Penny Goring, the incredible Daisy Anne Gree, and founder members Dan Holloway and Larry Harrison. If you've not come across any Year Zero work, check out the flash fiction, video and book chapters on the Year Zero website. Signed copies of novels will be on sale at the gig, together with the Year Zero 2010 Tour T-shirt.

Would you like the love life of a rock star -- without the inconvenience of actually having to be one? Want to maximize your dating mojo? Need an escape plan for when the apocalypse hits? Wonder what it's like to hang out with Motley Crue, (Jessica's) Dave Navarro, Marilyn Manson and Jenna Jameson? If you answer yes to any of the above the you MUST tune in to SG Radio on Indie1031.com this Sunday (January 17th) between 10 PM and midnight PST.

Neil Strauss will be our very special guest live in studio. He's written some of our all-time favorite books: The Dirt, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, The Game and Emergency, to name but a few. These are books us girls at SG Radio live and love by. To call him merely an author would be a monumental understatement. He is a survival expert, a rock journalist extraordinaire, the number one pick up artist - and he is our love guru.


Find out why this Sunday on Indie1031.com.


Sam, Dave's Jessica & Nicole
XOX


Ps. Got questions for Neil? Then dial our studio hotline digits this Sunday between 10 PM and midnight PST: 877-900-1031

By and large, the decade in film was one of maturing talents, as opposed to new arrivals. We didn’t see a new Quentin Tarantino who could alter the way popular cinema saw itself, and we didn’t see any new, Brando-esque actors who blazed an original enough trail to change their craft forever. It was more a decade of expertise: of young filmmakers like Sofia Coppola, Joe Wright, Paul Thomas Anderson and Richard Linklater, who demonstrated a deep reverence for their forebears and an ability to process the wisdom of the past into new works of exceptional quality and beauty. (Almost all of them seem to have taken something from the departed Stanley Kubrick). Those directors who did blaze a path of their own tended to do so in such a unique and original manner, as in the case of Donnie Darko’s Richard Kelly, that no one will likely be influenced by the work.

It was a decade in which blockbusters were produced at ever-higher budgets and new extremes of quality: high in the case of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and low in the case of the unwatchable Transformers films. It was a typically lax decade for marginalized genres such as science-fiction, Westerns and musicals, while Oscar bait issue dramas, hastily-made biopics and portentous crime sagas like Clint Eastwood’s Mystic River were a dime a dozen. It was an excellent decade for European and Asian directors, with names like Claire Denis, Philippe Besson, the Dardennes, Hsiao-hsien Hou and Edward Yang all regularly topping critics’ lists. It was a decade of modest revival for greats like Scorsese, Coppola, and the Coen Brothers, while Spielberg more or less continued to tread water.

It was also a decade of uncertainty. The way films are consumed, the way they’re crafted by studios and by individual filmmakers, the way reviews are written and received by the public, the way technology has created new kinds of movie-watching experiences – it’s all led to a collective upheaval in the industry that still has yet to shake out. What we currently think of as a typical movie-going experience will likely – in fact, almost certainly – be far different a decade from now. The idea of trudging down to a local theater may seem quaint if the typical high-end consumer has a wall-mounted, HD viewing screen that’s 3D capable, and any new film can be downloaded with a few key strokes and a credit card number. The future awaits. In the meantime, here is my list of the best films of the past decade.

1. Before Sunset



Before Sunset is a blur of constant motion, with its central, early-thirties couple frequently walking towards and away from the camera at a brisk pace, catching rides in fast-moving cars and boats, and finally trudging up the stairs to a top-floor apartment. The point, unsubtle but valid, is that life’s forward momentum is as unstoppable as an ocean wave, and only the fools among us would let a chance for real happiness pass us by as we’re pushed inexorably along. This immeasurably superior sequel to Richard Linklater’s 1995 one-night-in-Paris romance, Before Sunrise, which clocks in at barely 80 minutes long, is so unusually knowing about the staying power of true love, the way dreams can affect our lives, and the reality of time never being on our side, that if you see it once, it may haunt you forever.


2. Three Times



The badge around her neck reads: "I suffer from epilepsy. Please do not call an ambulance. Just move me to a warm, safe place." She strums guitar on stage at night and engages in pointless love affairs during the day. Maybe she was happier a hundred years ago. Three Times, from Taiwanese master Hsiao-hsien Hou, shows us a love affair played out in three time periods, always with the same actors. In 1911, the young couple is confident and self-aware, but restrained by social mores. In 1966, an ancient order is crumbling and excitement abounds. An open doorway in a pool hall points to an unknown future. In 2005, freedom has dissipated again, into a morass of text messages and social confusion, while an ascendant, modern world is glimpsed as their motorcycle flies across elevated freeways. Who’s to say one era is more or less free than another?


3. L’Enfant



It’s been remarked that the Dardenne brothers’ masterpiece L’Enfant is told from a God’s eye perspective. If so, that’s a terrifying thought. A dying steel town in the heart of Belgium is the setting for this unusually absorbing crime drama, which follows, in a noticeably detached and nonjudgmental fashion, petty con man Bruno and his girlfriend Sonia as they deal with a new, valuable item that has fallen into their laps: their baby. Bruno’s decision to sell his newborn child to a black market adoption ring is only one several surprising decisions he makes throughout the film; we’re consistently taken aback by his actions because his moral center is a black hole, perhaps as random as the universe itself. L’Enfant gazes deeply into our modern, money-mad world and asks, without a hint of glibness, whether traditional morality has any place in it at all.


4. Donnie Darko



Philosophy of Time Travel is the name of the secret textbook at the center of Donnie Darko, and that book title encapsulates the main character’s naïve, but endearing belief: that it’s somehow possible to discover a theorem or formula for skipping directly over the pain of one’s high-school years. This amazingly complex science-fiction film, a rollercoaster of invention from first-time director Richard Kelly, follows the travails of angsty teen Donnie Darko, a reluctant prophet who beliefs himself privy to knowledge of the future – specifically an impending doomsday – and thus feels entitled to spend his remaining days fixing the world for the better. Donnie Darko has more to say about the horror film-scariness of being on the cusp of adulthood, and about the power of youth to shatter forever the outdated notions of their parents, than all of those 80s teen movies put together.


5. Marie Antoinette



For many of us, the key factor of our lives is not whether we’ll ever grow up, but whether we’ll do so in time. Marie Antoinette boldly appropriates the biography of a doomed French queen to tell the story of an essentially modern young girl who is being dangerously sheltered against the harsh realities of the outside world and yet slowly develops her own innate, rebellious instincts, which she needs more urgently than she realizes. Sofia Coppola’s ditzy, celebrity-and-shoe obsessed teen queen, who moves through 18th century Versailles to the beat of a pop-punk soundtrack (she might as well be wearing earbuds), only slowly comes to understand that those courtesans plying her with the latest fashions and gossip are actually trying to tamp down her true power – her political power. It’s a weighty metaphor for the state of our own deliberately distracted youth culture.


6. The Death of Mr. Lazarescu



We begin in the shabby apartment of Mr. Lazarescu, a Romanian senior played by Ion Fiscuteanu, who spends his time complaining on the phone to distant relatives. Most of them seem to have defected to Canada, maybe to get away from him. We end nearly three hours later, after riding shotgun with an angelic ambulance driver who has taken the stricken Lazarescu on a heroic, Stygian journey through a long, rainy night of visiting multiple hospitals, trying to find one that will admit him for surgery despite severe overcrowding. There’s never been a film like Cristi Puiu’s Lazarescu, which so expertly draws us into a mundane medical crisis and keeps our hearts in our throats at every turn. When Lazarescu finally dies, quietly, on a gurney in a prep room, we only know it because the film ends at that moment, without any cues. The story is over.


7. The New World



With Stanley Kubrick having departed just before the dawn of this decade, Terrence Malick is now our greatest living cine-poet. The New World, remarkably only his fourth feature film, takes the seemingly mundane phrase of the film’s title and invests it with startling vibrancy, restaging the arrival of the Jamestown colonists and their fateful first encounter with those for whom this world was not “new” at all. Like all of Malick’s masterpieces, The New World runs by its own internal chronometer, not by any preconceived notion of pacing for a feature film. It practically breathes in its environment, examining every blade of grass in an unspoiled Eden, which is populated by an ancient people called “the naturals” by the arriving English. Without judgment or political agenda, just an unparalleled eye, Malick frames this initial encounter as what it was: a singular, momentous event in human history.


8. Wendy and Lucy



Imagine having no safety net; no family or friends to count on, no job, no savings and no roof over your head, only $500 in cash and a barely-functioning old clunker. Then the car breaks down. Wendy and Lucy tells the gripping, no-frills story of a twenty-something girl in just such a situation, on her way to Alaska to work at a fish cannery when she’s waylaid by cruel fate and trapped in a featureless strip mall town with her hungry dog Lucy to consider and her options shrinking by the hour. Where can she turn? Influenced by Umberto D. and other classics of Italian neorealism, Kelly Reichardt masterfully dramatizes how terrifying life on the margins of American society can become for those who fall through the cracks. Wendy and Lucy is the kind of film they used to fear would spark a revolution.


9. There Will Be Blood



During a candid moment in this film, early California oilman Daniel Plainview expresses his personal philosophy: “I don’t like most people. I want to earn enough money to get away from them.” It’s that last part, the implied promise that once he has his own security, he’ll go away and stop siphoning off the resources of the poor and the credulous, which somehow sets him up as possibly morally superior to his religious alter-ego, Eli Sunday, a shameless evangelical charlatan with no such insights into his own black heart. America’s two founding lynchpins, big business and organized religion, are treated to their own masterfully-observed dual biopics in this, a huge but welcome departure for cinematic showman P.T. Anderson. The childish quarrel between Plainview and Sunday over who is the more righteous conman gets more soul-sucking by the minute and before it’s all over, see title.


10. Vanilla Sky



The most common question posed in recent sci-fi films: is it better to live in the real world or a dream world? While The Matrix unfairly stacked the deck by making daily life in the dream world a continuation of the regular work grind, Cameron Crowe’s Vanilla Sky took an infinitely more intriguing tack: what if you could personally program that world? What if you could have an apartment, job and identity specifically tailored to your tastes; your choice of women, each of them completely “your type”; even the everyday backdrops of life designed to remind you of your personal record collection. Still seem like an easy choice? This exceptional sci-fi film, full of unexpected twists and searing cinematography, cuts straight to two of the modern world’s most pressing philosophical questions: What is reality? And why should we care?



Honorable Mention: Two Lovers, Waking Life, Killer of Sheep, Son Frere, Millennium Mambo, Home, Sweeney Todd, Julia, Inland Empire, Atonement

Nixon and Fractal's brainchild, Haute Macabre, is proud to present Induced Epidemics at the Chaos Gallery, in the Museum of Death, Hollywood, CA.

Assembling fifteen different artists in various media, including painting, photography, and small sculpture, Haute Macabre and the Chaos Gallery are bringing you what they know best : the dark and the macabre. Instructed only to represent themselves using those two adjectives, each artist has submitted a piece related to the darker side of the day.

Featuring works from Tim Kern, Cherry Vega, Raven Corviid Ebner, Jessica McCourt, Andy Yang, Zoe Williams, Taslimur, Eirik Aswang, Michael Hussar, Josh Cole, Zoetica Ebb, Courtney Riot, Vanessa Zuloaga, Scott Holloway, Sequoia Emmanuelle, Hans Linde, and Chad Michael Ward.

About to celebrate its first anniversary, Haute Macabre is a leading online resource for dark fashion, trends, home decor, and culture, covering haute couture and wearable art to affordable alternatives. Articles are posted daily to the web blog, reaching a rapidly growing global readership numbering in the millions, all agreeing that It Wasn't Just a Phase.

Haute Macabre and the Chaos Gallery will be celebrating the opening of this exhibit Saturday, December 5 at 8PM. The show will be running until December 29.

LA’s premier goth club, Bar Sinister, will be hosting the Induced Epidemics afterparty. They will be offering half off club admission with a special password available only at the gallery reception.

1st December 2009 is being designated Free-e-day, when independent artists, writers, musicians, photographers and film-makers are giving away a sample of their work in an electronic form. Creative people from as far afield as Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Hong Kong, USA, Canada, and Europe are coming together to offer something for nothing on December 1st. This willl be a thank you to their current fans, and a present for their new ones.

As well as free e-books, magazines, plays, art work and music there will be on-line workshops, debates and live events. In England, there will be a live gig at Cafe Tarifa in Oxford, featuring music from Nikki Loy, Mol Hodge, and the Joker & the Thief, and a performance reading from the poet Nikesh Shukla. Authors Dan Holloway and Roland Denning will read from their novels and there will be dance, and an exhibition of artwork.

Anyone who wants to take part by providing some of their work on Free-e-day can simply send an email to songsfromtheothersideofthewall@googlemail.com and ask to be included in the directory and full colour e-brochure. This can be downloaded for free from the event’s website freeeday.wordpress.com

Ron

Good day, Gentlepeople.

I’m afraid I must speak with you again. It seems my previous lessons have not been enough to change the world into a polite and genteel place. Ah, well. To WORK!

The epidemic I noted in our discussions of online behavior does not have its origins in the world Al Gore hath wroth. Oh, no. The attitude of discourteousness was created in the real world, and persists to this day, despite the work of the inestimable Miss Manners.

I will break this discussion into two main areas: eating in public, and cell phone etiquette. I hope we all learn something.

Eating Out


One of the skills that has vastly fallen by the wayside is the art of fine dining. A generation has lost that skill to the equally impressive ability of eating a Triple-Triple™ while driving, without spilling grease on their $25.00 “retro” t-shirt. But there may come a time when you must sit down to a formal meal, and I will not have my pupils ill-prepared for such an eventuality.

There are some simple rules for the formal dinner, and some suggestions that are not generally discussed, but are highly useful.

First, keep in mind the purpose of the formal meal. Nourishment is not the main purpose. Very likely, portions will be small, and in the most formal occasions, courses are changed when the person at the head of the table is finished. Formal meals are meant to give everyone a taste of fine food and an opportunity for conversation. You do not want to be extremely hungry when you sit down to the table, as that may speed your eating, which is a quick way to destroy your carefully honed manners. So, about an hour before you go to the dinner, eat a small meal. A sandwich should suffice. Eat it before you begin dressing, just to make sure you don’t dribble down your front. Make sure you brush and floss before you leave as well.

Next, you may be overwhelmed by the number of knives, forks, plates, and glasses of the formal place setting. Do not be intimidated; whoever is serving the meal knows what they are doing, and will fill the plates and glasses in the correct order. As to the utensils, the old rule still applies: work from the outside, in. If you get confused, look to the host of the meal and use whatever they are using.

It should be noted that European dining order differs from American. In Europe, the salad often comes after the main entree. You will know which order you will be served by looking at the smaller fork. If it is nearer your plate, you will have a European set meal. If it is away from the plate, you are dining American.

Vegans and vegetarians may wish to look away from this next portion.

The last rules are for how to eat, and meant for all courses:
1. Take small bites. You want to be able to talk without waiting 5 minutes to finish your oversized bite.
2. Beware of soups and sauces. Sauces are meant to enrich the flavor, not overpower it, so use them sparingly. Soups should be scooped away from the body and quietly ingested. Do not slurp. You will not finish your soup. When you can no longer fill your spoon without tilting the bowl, you are done. Do not tilt your bowl.
3. Use your napkin to keep your mouth clean, so as not to disgust your fellow eaters. Keep it in your lap, but wipe your mouth frequently.
4. If you do not wish to eat something, do not call attention to yourself. Sample everything, but when you are done, lay your utensils aside. Vegetarians and Vegans who are presented with a meat course, please do not make a scene. Quietly ask the wait staff to remove the dish from in front of you. If anyone asks, politely and quickly explain your situation. Use the time to speak to your neighbors and sample your wine.
5. Do not get drunk. Enjoy the wines provided, but do not take more than half a glass with a course. Drink slowly, and set down the glass between sips.
6. If you are offered an after-dinner drink, do not finish it. It will most likely be an expensive and well crafted liqueur, and it deserves your measured and sober attention. If you do not like it, hold it without drinking.

A formal meal may take several hours to get through. If you have to leave the table for a short amount of time, politely excuse yourself to your neighbors and the host, but do not tell them where you are going. And, whatever you do, don’t whiz in the bushes outside the dining room. It ruins the mood.

Oh, and one last rule: Never use a metal spoon with caviar - only use wood.

Speaking Out



The cell phone has revolutionized personal communication. Its value cannot be measured, particularly as it has the potential to save lives, by removing that desperate search to find a phone to call 911. It allows parents to keep an eye on their children. It keeps lovers from losing touch. It brings friends and family close when the miles are long. It protects travelers who might otherwise die in a snowdrift when they forget all the lessons of the winter before.

But, with all that potential, cell phones have created a whole new level of public rudeness. From phones ringing halfway through a funeral to loud conversations in restaurants, a large portion of the public seems to delight in involving large crowds of strangers in their private conversations.

To help lower the potential for annoyance, I think the following may be helpful:

1. Turn the damn thing off! Cell phones come with a wonderful feature known as “voice mail”. This allows people calling you to leave a detailed, if short, message, letting you know the nature of their call and letting you decide if it warrants your attention. Places to do this include (but are not limited to) restaurants, theaters, classrooms, hospitals, and anytime you are meeting someone for a conversation.

2. Respect the one you’re with. With some exceptions, the person you are speaking with face-to-face should not lose out to a phone conversation. They are taking time out of their lives to meet with you. The least you can do is gift them with your attention.

3. Stop using your phone as a crutch. You can make a shopping list, you can adhere to a schedule, you can be on-time, and you can move throughout life without updating everyone. A bit of prior planning goes a long ways. Of course you should use your phone when it is needed, but it is not always needed.

I will not discuss what I see as the use of cell phones as a weapon. If you don’t want your mate to find something on your phone, clear it out. What you do in your own time is none of my business, but if you get caught because you kept a incriminating text message or voice mail, the fault lies fully on your own stupidity.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rules. Doctors, police, and others whose ability to save lives is increased through instant communication should of course keep their phones on at all times. There is a vibrate option for a reason. And parents of school-aged children can be excused for breaking off a conversation when the school calls to tell them how big of a fire their child started. And yes, if the unavoidable happens, it is very polite to phone ahead and tell whoever you are meeting that you are going to be late.

As with all of my guides, the rules are not hard and fast. They are just simple suggestions intended to make the world just a bit more polite.

Friend of SuicideGirls Gavin Rossdale and SG's Rigel, Sash and Rambo, among others, are featured on tonight's episode of Criminal Minds (Weds Nov 11th, 9PST/8C). Be sure to set your TiVos!

Gentlemen, we are in the midst of an epidemic. No, it’s not Flying Pig Flu; it’s not penicillin-resistant syphilis; it’s not masturbation induced hairy-palmism.

It’s Creepiness.

Internet creepiness. This comes in many forms:

Douchebagery: Symptoms of douchebaggery include an undeserved sense of self-importance, bragging about sexual prowess, forgetting that internet women are real people, and a proclivity to show a disembodied erect penis.

Stalkerism: Symptoms of stalkerism include premature proclamations of love, defensiveness, and bad poetry.

Sexcreeperism: Symptoms of sexcreeperism include requests of sexual acts by the female in question, a sense of entitlement (a.k.a. “I paid my $4, now spread yer pussy!!”), and model-casting calls for their “professional” photo-shoots. Untreated sexcreeperism can lead to kidnapperotamies.

Assholery: Symptoms of assholery include spamming, starting threads that are going to “change the site”, whining about cliques, and generally acting like they are better than everyone else.

Pityrosis: Symptoms of pityrosis include complaining about always being the friend to hot girls, whining about being a virgin, and putting complete strangers on a pedestal.

Gentlemen, we must fight this plague. The consequences could be dire. If we do not defeat Creepiness, we might as well all get fitted for polo shirts and make appointments for spray-tans. So, gents, it is time for a simple guide to combat the rampant creep-factor.

1. Don’t expect instant insider-status. The people who have been on a site for a time have developed relationships, just like they would in real life. Some love each other, some hate each other, and some spend all their time trading double entendres. These are not exclusive cliques. These are just groups of friends who like each other. Don’t expect instant acceptance, but also don’t think that there is a wall between yourself and veteran members. At one point or another, all of them were new, and had to make new friends. Take your time, relax, and don’t get bent out of shape if you get flamed a bit. It is just a bit of trial by fire.

2. Treat everyone with respect. These ARE real people, no matter that they are on the other end of a computer connection. They do not exist just for your own pleasure, and insulting them will result in a variety of responses, from flaming to banning. Behave as if we could tell your mother what you’ve done.

3. Don’t expect others to change for you. Maybe there is something about a website that you do not like. That is bound to happen. Deal with it. If it bothers you too much, go elsewhere. The website existed before you, and it will exist after you take your ball and go home.

4. Get the lay of the land. Look around at what sort of topics get good responses, and which end in tears. If you think of something clever, look around to see if you are the first one, or if 20 other people have done the same thing. Find out how the website works, how to search, and the true purposes of the various areas of the site.

As online communities grow, we must keep in mind that they ARE communities, very much like any other gathering of people. There are rules, both spoken and unspoken that are specific to that society, and transgression of those rules will have consequences. That is not to say that you cannot try something new and different. Just be smart about it.

Or, to put it simply . . . Be a Gentleman.

Trick or Treat,
Sinister, Sinful, but oh so sweet,
SuicideGirls make my heartbeat!

























Fashion Notes:

Halloween is creeping around the corner, here are some ravishing costumes that will make you the perfect treat!

Who can resist a nice cold glass of Golden-Night Beer, available at BuyCostumes.com. Be sexy and sweet in these candy costumes: Sugar Babies or the Sexy Green M N' M both available at HalloweenMart.com.

Be your own dessert with these delicious costumes: Hot Fudge Sundae from the LingerieSpecialists.com, Sweet Cherry Pie or everyones favorite bedtime snack, Milk and Cookies available at BuyCostumes.com

Or you can always dress up as a zombie and make all the little trick or treaters your tasty snack!

"Finger" Foods"

Eat, Drink and Be Scary! Enjoy these blood curtailing, spine chilling, nerve racking and delicious Halloween recipes that are to die for!

Severed Hot dog Digits



Hot dogs
Crescent Roll Dough
Ketchup

Cut crescent roll dough into thin strips and wrap around hot dogs. Cut a wedge into the end of each cocktail wiener to make a toenail. Bake according to crescent package. Use ketchup blot for finger nail.

Creepy Peepers

2 cups vanilla pudding
Jelly beans
Life Saver Gummies
Plastic eggs
2 empty egg cartons

Place plastic egg halves in the cartons. Fit jelly beans into center of a Life Savers Gummy and place it in a plastic egg half. Fill the egg half with pudding and place in freezer for about three hours. Let sit at room temperature for three to five minutes. With the back of a fork gently press down on the edge of the pudding.

Watch the video for further instruction!

Bone Appetit



Bread stick dough
Marinara Sauce
Optional: Salt, Garlic, Parmesan

Cut bread stick dough into strips. Use scissors to snip the ends into 2 pieces and roll them down to make the bone shape. Dip in "bloody" marinara! For extra flavor sprinkle with garlic, rock salt and/or Parmesan or this seasoning.

Earth Worm Surprise



chocolate pudding
crushed Oreos
gummy worms

Place pudding in a clear sup, sprinkle crushed Oreos on top for dirt. Hide those gummy worms in there for eeek factor!

Burn Victim



1 full-sized plastic human skull
1.5 lbs. thin sliced deli meat, your choice
Cream cheese
round mini-mozzarella pieces
2 slices of pimento-stuffed green olive

Spread a "base" over the skull. You can dye the cream cheese with red food coloring to give it a more gory look. Evenly distribute your lunch meat over the prepared skull, leaving openings at the eyes and mouth. For eyes, place one small mozzarella cheese ball in each eye socket. Top with a slice of pimento-stuffed green olive. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until ready to eat.

Boogers on a Stick



8 ounce Jar cheez whiz
3 or 4 drops Green food coloring
3 dozen pretzel sticks

Melt cheeze whiz in the microwave according to direction. Allow the cheese to cool slightly in the jar. Carefully stir in food coloring to turn the cheese a pale snot green. To form boogers: Dip and twist the tip of each pretzel stick into the cheese, lift out, wait twenty seconds, then dip again. Set pretzels boogers on wax paper to cool.

Rotten Apple Cider

Apple cider
Five 1/2-cup containers
Red and green food coloring
gummy worms
Punch bowl

Pour apple cider into all 5 small dishes, stopping about 1/2 inch from the top. Add 2 drops of red and 1 drop of green food coloring. Stir.
Hang 2 or 3 gummy worms (no more then 3) around the edge of each dish and place the dishes in the freezer. Briefly set frozen apples in a few inches of warm water to make it easier to get out of cup.
Float the rotten apples in a large punch bowl filled with untinted cider.

...and more

WhatToDrink.com has a bunch of great spooky alcoholic drinks.

Some other fun recipes include: Melon Brains or Blood Worm Jell-O

You can also go to OurBestBites.com and for a lot of great Halloween food ideas!

Check back for more Dirty Laundry and let SuicideGirls show you the best way to (un)dress.

Good afternoon, Gentlemen. So nice of you to join me.



I know many of you are not comfortable here, but the mall is where we must venture in these trying times if we wish to stop wearing animal skin loin cloths.

Gentlemen. We need to talk about your clothes.

Now, before anyone complains, I am not talking about your day to day clothes. It is not up to me, nor anyone else, to comment on what anyone else wears for their usual activities. If you feel the urge to wear 4 polo shirts in layers, with all the collars popped, that is up to you.

No, Gentlemen, we need to talk about dressing appropriately for special occasions.

For many of us, when it comes to a special occasion, we’re at a loss. We know we can’t get away with jeans and a t-shirt, but we’re not sure where to go or what to get. Before we know it, we wind up at a formal wedding looking like we’re about to step on the 1st tee.



Now, the man in that photo is dressed perfectly fine for most things. He’s ready to go pick up the kids, to go antiquing, or to shop for a new minivan. He is not ready to stand next to a woman who has spent hours on her hair and makeup, shopped for a new dress, shoes, and handbag to match, and who wants to be proud of who she is with.

Like I said, I am not here to criticize your day to day clothes. I’ve long given up that hope. But I can offer a few suggestions that will allow a Gentleman to dress for any occasion, without breaking his budget or turning himself into a walking mannequin.

As every woman should have her little black dress, every man should have at least one suit. I do not mean a business suit. Those are meant to convey some sense of authority, and really very dull and uncomfortable to wear.

No, I am talking about the type of suit that makes you feel good about how you look. That makes you feel like standing up a little straighter, looking the bartender in the eye and asking for the private stock.

There are several aspects of the suit that need to be considered before purchase.

1. Color

Solid color suits are for the boardroom. For this suit, you are going to want to go with some sort of subtle pattern within the weave. Nothing outlandish, and certainly nothing in plaid. The key word is subtle.

Black suits are never a good choice. They make a man look like he is here for the body, and would the widow please sign the receipt?

Navy is good, but it is almost too businesslike. Earth-tones work for some complexions, but not all. If you go for a gray, darker is better than lighter. Do not go for a light colored suit unless you live somewhere that is warm year-round.

I’m afraid that this is not a process that can be rushed, or done alone. You will need a second opinion. But, remember, this is your suit, and if you like how something looks on you, nobody else’s opinion really counts.

Cut:

I hear all sorts of things about Italian cuts, French cuts, Athletic cuts. These only fit a certain type of body, and most of us don’t have that sort. An Italian cut works best for men who are under 5’10”, slim build, and look like they should be dealing blackjack in Atlantic city. The French cut is similar, but in Vegas. The Athletic cut has more to do with arm-size than anything else.

Fit:

The truth is, finding the right cut is not as important as finding the right fit. This can be achieved in two ways:

1. You can find a store that still custom tailors suits for men. This may cost a bit more, but it will still be less than a new video game system.

2. You can buy a suit off-the-rack at a department store and have it fitted to you elsewhere.

If you go with option 2, there are several steps to be taken. First, make sure the pants fit well. That is the plus of a department store; you can mix and match. Remember that pleats are out (hopefully forever) and that the pockets should be able to stay closed when you’re standing. Don’t worry about the length. Buy them too long.

For the jacket, try on several in the color you want, until you find one that is just slightly too big on you. Jackets are sized by the chest and the height of the wearer. I wear a 52 Long. Long means I am over 6 feet tall. Regular goes between 5’7 and 5’11 or so. Short is for anyone shorter. If you are in the extremes in height, one way or the other, you will have to have custom work done.

Once you have your jacket, do some phone work. Most tuxedo rental places employ a tailor, and will be happy to fit your suit to your body for a price. This is why you should buy slightly too big and slightly too long in the pants. It gives the tailor something to work with.

Flair:

No, I don’t mean buttons. Flair means making a statement with your clothes. This is often difficult with a suit, as it is designed in a single color scheme. You will need a splash of color to set it off. A pocket square, a tie, a vest, and your socks are the regions that can be utilized. Do this with some class. Donald Duck should never be on a tie. And I really don’t want to see fishing lures around your ankles. But, don’t be scared of pink. It can be striking.

When you have your suit, take care of it. A good suit should last you several years, and the jacket several more after the pants have given up the ghost. Keep that in mind when buying. You will want a jacket that looks good when worn with other types of pants as a sport coat.

Men’s fashion changes slowly. Oh, sure, there are always new things coming out of Paris and New York, but I have noticed something. The fashion designers, the ones who make the clothes, the ones who have the world’s best tailors at their beck and call, do not wear their own designs. They wear either the classic plain t-shirt, or a simple, well-made suit. Ignore articles like this from GQ magazine. Their suggestions only work if you are exactly 5’10” and 157 lbs.

Other than the suit, there are a few basics all men should have on-hand, as the occasion warrants.

The Plain T-shirt: I know, everybody wants to wear band shirts, or something with a funny saying. But a plain, single-color t-shirt holds a classiness that cannot be touched by something with a smiling bunny on the front.
Jeans: I don’t mean the ones that hang off your ass and show everybody your business. A well-fitted, un-holed pair, matched with a sturdy leather belt will make you look less like a teenage punk and more like a man to be respected.

Shoes: Make sure you have shoes, and a belt, to match your suit. Black with most colors, brown with earth-tones. Make sure they are comfortable, they fit well, and learn how to polish them.

A Raincoat: In case you would prefer not to get your suit wet.

What not to wear:

I have been asked by some of the ladies to give a few examples of what not to wear. Here is the short version:

1. Tight pants with baggy boxers. If you insist on wearing your girlfriend’s pants, don’t wear your drawers bunched up underneath. It makes you look like you’re wearing a diaper.

2. Women’s clothes. It is all well and good for trans-gendered persons to wear clothes of the opposite sex. But, for the rest of us, please don’t. Women’s jeans are cut differently than men’s . . . particularly in one place where a seam can be pretty painful.

3. “Fashion”. Trying to keep up with all the latest styles is exhausting and a waste of time. It is also dangerous, since, if you aren’t careful, you could end up wearing pants designed with the crotch somewhere around your knees.

4. Polo Shirts. Polo shirts have a place in this world. Popped collars do not. A polo shirt is appropriate for golfing, playing polo, or a run to McDonalds with your kids. And Jersey, but Gentlemen do not speak about such things.

5. “Products”. This is not about clothes, but it is about how you look. When you are wearing more hair gel, perfume, deodorant, and makeup than your date, you need to rethink things.

6. Jewelry. Please, gentlemen, keep it simple and subtle. A wedding ring is classy. A big gold ring with a stone, a matching bracelet, and a big watch scream “used car salesman”. A simple watch, well made but not flashy, is much better. It is up to you to decide about piercing and the like.

To close, getting dressed appropriately is simple, if you pay attention. If you are going to an event with a female, match her level of dressiness. If she is wearing a gown, don’t bring out your cargo pants and old Green Day t-shirt.

Keep it classy, Gentlemen.