Movie Sadness with Stan: The Garbage Pail Kids

Yes children, your old uncle Satan is unemployed again. And you know what that means? More reviews of movies that will make you wish your parents had never fucked at all!

This week, we'll be looking at a modern classic in the "midgets in creepy suits" genre. That's right, I'm talking about The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. If you've lived overseas your whole life (as some of you have) or if you've been in a vegetative state for the last twenty-odd years (as most of you have), the Garbage Pail Kids were trading cards popular in the mid-80's as gross-out parodies of the then-popular Cabbage Patch Kids (which in retrospect, seem WAY creepier than the cards making fun of them).

Anyway, here's the trailer:



As bad as the trailer makes the film seem, I can guarantee you that the final product is much, much worse. I'll explain.

The basic plot centers around a young teen named Dodger, who works in an antique shop with the quasi-magical Captain Manzini. Dodger is in love with the proto-cougar Tangerine, who is easily five years his senior. Unfortunately, Tangerine is the girlfriend of local hood Johnny Somethingorother. It's not really important. What's important is that the Garbage Pail Kids get released from their "intergalactic ship" (a garbage can, of course) and hilarity ensues.

Well, it's supposed to ensue. What happens instead is a soul-fucking cinematic root canal that will leave you so angry you could easily punch a puppy. We learn that the Kids have a hidden talent of sewing, Dodger is an idiot, this movie has more plot holes and inconsistencies than Battlefield Earth, and that even the most peace-loving hippie pacifist will be capable of choking the shit out of the person sitting next to them if they see this movie.

This movie was so terrible, not even Crim and I making fun of it on an average of every six seconds could make it tolerable. When it was mercifully over, it took every ounce of willpower we had not to beat each other to death in a bare-knuckle Fight Club-style brawl. Instead, we spent the next seven hours complaining about the emotional scars this movie left behind.

In summation: copies of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie ought to be liberally air-dropped over Iran, North Korea, and the Afghani-Pakistani border to save us all time and tax dollars. While this may violate most of the Geneva Convention, if they could sneak waterboarding past, they should be able to slip this "movie" by as well. Don't watch it unless you hate everything, including yourself.



MisterSatan is always looking for suggestions for Movie Sadness, so if you have one, let him know.

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