The great thing about buying a car these days is...

The great thing about buying a car these days is that there is so much (SOOO MUCH!) information about every single version of every single model. NOTHING is left to chance except whether or not you read the right blogs, consumer reports and remember to get your CARFAX History Report that tells you how many oil changes occurred during the car’s lifetime, how many windshield wiper blades have been replaced (front and rear) how much sex has been had in the rear seat (front and rear) whether there is actually a dead person in the trunk, and if Ozzy Osbourne ate a bat in the passenger seat. It’s both stunning and mind numbingly boring and it makes me want to start a Russian Roulette Blindfold Car Mart (that’s because I’m a contrary fuck, always have been).

Then, I remembered that there is a field, a business, an art form where the R.R.B.C.M. is commonplace. Yes! You’ve guessed it….the music business! Come on down!

There is no consumer report that warns, points, or guides us about THE REASONS BANDS BREAK UP. For instance, a five second Google search can return that the 2001 Honda Civic is by far the model most plagued with problems. There is no website, blog, book, YouTube video, or directory where you can gauge the likelihood of how prone a middle aged bass player is to alcoholic tendencies or a predication for underage girls. Lead singers and guitarists – well, where do we start? How about the drummer that used to be in PiL, worked with Ministry and NiN? ... should come with warning, “watch out this bright spark might write a book, Tour Smart!

In the interest of due diligence and possibly starting my own BANDFAX History Report business (which I’m thinking of calling BandFaxTic!), I’ve done some research...Well, more accurately, I had some of the students at my new school do it. Let’s have a look at some early results. Please feel free to contribute. We have created a public Google document that you can add to. Go here to read more stories and contribute.

A never ending list of reasons why bands break up:
1. Sandwiches are dangerous: Ask Karen Carpenter (allergic to), Elvis (BLT with banana) and the singer from the Libertines (heroin sandwich?)

2. Girlfriends are dangerous: Ask The Beatles, Elliot Smith, or just about anyone on the planet.

3. Navigational problems: Ask The Kinks, Minor Threat, Kid Dynamite, The Smiths all parted ways because of “different musical directions” while Marc Bolan of T Rex actually drove into a tree.

4. Leadsingeritis: Ask any band with a lead singer! Ha, only serious, or more accurately…………lead singer dying-itis…..maaaaaan: Nirvana, The Doors, Queen, Sublime, Alice In Chains, Joy Division, INXS, the Germs, and the list goes on and on and on.

5. Legal Zoom dot com: Ask N.W.A., Dream Street, Bad Brains, Dead Kennedys, 30 seconds to Mars.

6. Leadsingeritis part two – the curse of massive greatness: Pulp, The Talking Heads, The Jam, Rage Against the Machine, The Smashing Pumpkins

7. Drugs and alcohol: Fill in the name of any band here___________________

8. Unable to follow up the amazing last album – Eagles (also file under Legal Zoom) Geneva, also called the “where are they now” department.

I hope this all helps. So far, from a scientific standpoint, it looks like it boils down to this: don’t start a band whatever you do. If you won’t listen to me and do start a band, then DO NOT get in a van, a bus, or god forbid a PLANE. Don’t do drugs, a sandwich, or anyone else’s girlfriend. Make sure you hire a lawyer (or two!) before you begin playing any instrument (even if you are a parent and your 4-year-old child is just mastering the harpsichord – I especially mean you!) Don’t leave the country. Don’t write any songs and for fuck’s sake don’t come up with a name, an album cover, or t-shirt design.

Forewarned is fore-armed. And remember, for a long time it looked like Ginger Spice leaving the Spice Girls was the end. But, now they are re-united and better than ever...just remember that when everything seems hopeless!

I’m out and about as always. Come say hi:

Tuesday, October 6th - Chicago, IL
New Music Seminar Chicago - Panel Speaker. Pre-registration is open and you can get an additional 10% off using code: NMSCHICAGO24986.

Sunday, October 11th - Philadelphia, PA.
School of Rock - Guest Lecture. 1508 Brandywine St, Philadelphia, PA 19130

Friday, November 20th - Sunday, November 22nd - Philadelphia, PA
School of Rock - Guest Performances; 1508 Brandywine St., Philadelphia, PA 19130

Wednesday, March 10, 2010 - Saturday, March 13, 2010 - Toronto, Canada
Canadian Music Week - Conference, Panel Speaker. Times TBD.

And if you really want to get serious about this stuff, I’m finally teaching my Touring 101 class online through Madison Media Institute. They’ll give you college credit. Fill out the form here for more information.

Vote for my SXSW panel, “Welcome to the Music Business – You’re Fucked”

Vote for my new twitter t-shirt – dont #follow #lead!!!

Follow me on twitter: twitter.com/marteeeen


Woooop

MA

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