Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: Cupid's Injustice

I write about dating a lot. Love...not so much. Yes, there's a difference.

You can describe dating in three words: "cruel, but fair." If you have a working grasp of the fundamentals you will see results barring your preferred gender being wiped out by an apocalyptic space plague. If the fundamentals aren't there, you will have problems, no matter how nice or deserving a person you are.

Love, on the other hand, is a wild card.

Sometimes it's like in the movies. Being in love gives you the strength to overcome obstacles, transcend your limitations, and make Evil Willow see the error of her ways. But it can also trip you up.

Take the phenomenon I call Cupid's Injustice: the person most in love is usually the person least willing or able to walk away. And contrary to what the songs and stories say, you don't earn someone's love through selfless devotion. You earn love by instead showing you can live without it -- or at least by proving to the other person that you can love someone without losing yourself.

Unfortunately, it's hard to set those boundaries when every cell in your body is telling you you need to be at close quarters to the object of your affection whenever possible and that you need to do whatever it takes to make this person happy. (I'll DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, I'LL BE WHOEVER YOU WANT, JUST DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!)

But if you love them -- especially if you love them -- you need to show them that you are complete on your own.

It's not always easy. From moment one, couples and potential couples test one another. Sometimes it happens early like a woman demanding a guy buy her a drink before she'll talk to him. Other times, it happens later when a guy doesn't call when he says he will. The specifics change, but you can count on one thing. The object of your affection will find the lone button in your psyche you least want pushed and lean on it with all his or her might (*).

Upset about this? Don't be. First of all, most times the people holding up the hoops don't consciously realize they're doing it. Furthermore, it often has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their hang-ups. There's no point taking it personally.

More importantly, I've noticed we only test the people we like. It might not feel like it, but being tested is a good sign. It means you're in the game.

There are two big ways to fail a test. One is to be a pushover, and just let the other person do whatever they want. The second is to start freak out and get defensive or resentful. If a woman asks you to buy her a drink and you're not into it, saying "let's wait until I know you a little better" will get you further than exploding into a rant about "gold-digging bitches."

The secret to dealing with tests is a very simple, two step process. One step is a "don't" and the other is a "do."

1) Don't take it as a personal attack.
2) Do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do. And you WILL know the right thing to do, ladies and gents. Trust me. More importantly, trust yourself (**).

The secret to handling the testing stage of a relationship is to get past it early before things snowball. The sooner the other person can trust you to be true to yourself, the sooner they can stop testing and start fantasizing about raising your children.

Unfortunately, following my Two-Step Testbuster is easier said then done. And if you're in the grip of Cupid's Injustice...that's when hell really breaks loose.

I've been on both sides of this particular fence. There once was a woman who loved me, and I took advantage of it. She told me she was okay with things when she clearly was not. I chose to believe her because...well, because I was getting what I wanted. And it's a funny thing about human nature that when we're getting what we think we want, we tend not to look too closely at things we'd rather not see (***).

I got my karmic reward with the next woman I dated. I was crazy about her, but she did things that were against my principles. Not big things. Little things. I let them go, drop by drop, moment by moment, until I suddenly looked at the relationship we had and realized, "Hey, wait a minute. This is NOT what was pictured on the menu."

The important thing to realize is that in neither case was I happy. It's hard being the one that's tested, but being the tester is no bed of roses either. Yes, you get the power in the relationship, but you also get the guilt, the unexplainable bouts of unhappiness, unease, or loneliness, and the resentment that comes from feeling responsible for someone else's emotional health.

No matter how in love you are, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how unfair it feels or how many old fears and insecurities come swirling to the surface as a result of it, sticking to what you believe and refusing to become embittered will help both you and the other person.

Often showing willingness to walk away can turn a troubled relationship around. In earlier stages of courtship it can make the difference between "just-another-pretty face" and "I-want-to-know-more-about-this-person." And sometimes...well, sometimes it does nothing. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you need to walk away.

It's not always fun. Sometimes it feels completely unfair. But love never pretended to be anything else.


(*) Not everything the other person does is a test. Some things--chronic lateness, obsession with organization, or liking the Jonas Brothers--are just personality quirks. Also, it is not a test if someone hits you, steals your stuff, or otherwise takes advantage of you physically, emotionally, or financially. That's called abuse and there are three things you need to know about it 1) It isn't your fault. 2) You aren't alone and 3) There is help available.

(**) You'll earn yourself bonus points if you can do it in way that's funny, socially graceful, or sexy, but that's all icing. Sticking to your guns is the cake.

(***) This is also explains some of my diet choices.


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.


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